This book was written for Flecki and Goldi Without them there would be no hamsters and no Hamsterton. My special thanks go to Mamsi, who for many evenings listened to the stories and mastered her sleepiness. Proofreading and checking on the historical background are most difficult. I like to thank a Celtic witch for her cooperation. Without her the last chapter would not exist. |
Chapter 1
Homesick
Siesta time on some far off hacienda somewhere in Spain. The Spanish sun burnt down relentlessly on men and beast. The air war leaden. High up some birds were circling in the sky, now and then the stuttering motor of a tractor could be heard. Quite an idyllic picture but suddenly the peace was broken by a loud voice. It was a voice like a grater on rough metal.
"McClown, you good-for-nothing, where are you now?"
The only answer came from the stuttering tractor.
"MCCLOWN!" the old lord roared, his voice toppling over.
The far away motor died down. Some minutes later a small spot appeared at the horizon which - surrounded by a cloud of dust - approached with racing speed.
"Need you be that slow, McClown?" Lord McShredder croaked and looked at his butler reproachfully.
"Well, Sir, I, er"
The butler got a fit of coughing and held to the fence. After his race in the heat of noon he sweated and gasped for breath.
"You are by no means fit, McClown", milord said. "You should see yourself in a mirror! When we left Scotland you have been slim. And now? Fat and lazy, that's what you are, McClown!"
"Sir", the outraged butler replied, "when we left Scotland I had not eaten for three weeks."
"He?" McShredded shouted angrily. "You had beaten the wee freaks?"
McClown's face reddened.
"Sir", he roared, "after I kidnapped the hamsters from Hamsterton I had been half starved and close to being a skeleton."
"Half starved?" McShredder crowed. "There we are. You think about nothing but your dinner. My ailments are nothing to you, you ungrateful dog!"
Frido McClown had to stand a lot from His Lordship, but he was a butler through and through and the requirements of his master was all that mattered to him. His master was ailing? McClown looked at the old lord and asked in a shocked tone: "O my God, Sir, are you ill?"
"On the board is juice still? McClown, you are talking rubbish. The darned sun does you no good. Look at yourself, you've got a head like a tomato and are sweating all over."
"But Sir, I've been ploughing all the day!"
"You've been crowing hooray?!" milord asked, flabbergasted. "Man, you are beside yourself. Sunstroke or something."
Butler Frido McClown rolled his eyes and groaned. In Spain the deafness of His Lordship had grown worse. His rheumatism, however, had vanished which had been the reason for their leaving Scotland. The other reason had been that the old castle had become quite uninhabitable after a gas explosion.
McClown thought of his little friends, the hamsters. He sighed again and remembered all the adventures he had had with the rodents. He wondered if the charming little animals remembered him. Did they think of the landing at Strathy Point or the night in Smoo Cave? Once more McClown sighed and did not notice that the old lord watched him.
"My dear McClown", the well-known voice brought him back to reality, "I know what's ailing you. You are homesick!"
The butler did not know what to say and could only stammer something.
"And I'll tell you something, McClown", Lord McShredder said and wrenched himself from his new wheelchair.
"I'm homesick, too."
Lord and butler stood side by side and looked to the horizon. The butler thought of the hamsters, while milord sat down into his wheelchair again. By the way, he did not really need the wheelchair but he thought it more comfortable to be carted around with it. Around, that meant three times a day to the dining room and as many times to the loo. Leisurely McShredder lit his pipe, blew the smoke into the heat of the day and said:
"You know, my dear McClown, I've got my fill. Sun, sun, and sun again. I don't want it any longer. I want rain. I want days and days of rain, I want my wheelchair to be washed down from Craig Farr or any other mountain. Mountains! Where are the bens and glens, the creeks and lochs? Have we got anything of that kind here? No, nothing but sun and boredom."
McClown nodded. He rather liked the idea of His Lordship being washed down from some mountain. The only thing which bothered him was that he, Frido McClown, would have to push milord in his wheelchair uphill first. But then, yes, he would be happy to have the old crock washed down.
"Yes, Sir, that is an excellent idea!" he said.
"Isn't it? Well, McClown, see that you pack our things, organize a ship, prepare some sandwiches, and sell this house. We will leave in an hour!"
Shaking his head, Frido McClown set to work.
Chapter 2
The Old Castle I
While Lord McShredder and his butler were suffering under the hot sun of Spain it was raining in Scotland. The majestic mountains were hidden in fog, men and beasts made themelves comfortable indoors. Only sheep and Highland Cattle were out on the rich green pastures and endured the rain composedly. Everything seemed to be silent and peaceful. Almost everything for in the proximity of Killichonan hell had broken loose. This was in the castle of Lord McShredder or, to be exact, what was left of it. As matter of fact it was not really a castle but a former church which McGregor had made over to milord when he had driven the Loch Ness Monster through the Caledonian Canal into the Atlantic Ocean. But what was happening in the ruin? Why was a rocket flying straight into the air, turned at the highest point and crashed back into the ruin exactly where it had been started? Why were there cries of pain and panic? Who was silly enough to shoot himself with a rocket? No man would do that, not to talk of animals. Stop! One sort of animal would really be able to do something like that: hamsters. But why hamsters?
To explain that we have to go back a little.
When Elfrieda1 and her friends had found the kidnapped hamsters in the castle everything seemed to be all right. The hamsters had been taken back to Hamsterton, milord and his butler went to Spain and everybody was well content. But in Hamsterton it was noticed after a while that some of them had not made the way back. To put it exactly: They had been forgotten. Well, this loss was not immediately noticed because the rodents had breeded during their unintentional trip to Scotland so that they rather numbered more than less. But a few things were decidedly noticed - you could say something was missing which nobody really had reason to miss.
The hamsters for a long time turned it over in their heads what they really did not miss but they came to no result. They founded planning groups and committees who were to handle the problem but the outcome always was the same: nothing.
When the year came to its end and Christmas was approaching, they suddenly noticed that nobody held boring speeches. Then the hamsters understood that their mayor had been forgotten in Scotland. When Christmas passed unusually peaceful and no catastrophes occurred it was obvious that Goldi, Flecki, chief engineer Botchy, repair hamster Tuffy and some others also were missing.
Now there was a lot of lamenting in Hamsterton. The hamsters immediately came together and discussed what to do. After one week they came to a decision:
1. We have no idea what to do
2. We have to go on
3. We will wait
4. Come what might
5. Not this way
6. We will have 3 weeks of mourning
Die Items 1., 3., and 6. were immediately decided unanimously and many hamsters started preparation to go on a holiday. Items 2., 4., and 5. were debated for quite some time and finally also accepted with a thin majority.
In the old ruin which rotted away beside a beautiful lake there was much excitement at the same time. Flecki's angry voice rang out: "I told you it makes no sense to fire a signal in the rain, you blockhead. You could have set the whole castle on fire!"
"Me, too, I did several times inform on this not unimportant fact while Goldi should have been aware of the consequences of his acts which by no means…"
The mayor's voice died down when he saw the angry looks of Flecki, Goldi, Botchy, Tuffy, and the others. It dawned to him that his speeches were less and less welcome by now and he stood in danger to be drowned in the next loch. He decided to hold no more long speeches. But what else should a mayor do? He was only able to hold speeches and leave the work to the other hamsters. He sat down on a stone near the fire place and pondered. Come on, Harry-George, he said to himself, you've got lots of talents, so make use of them and bring us all home. Then you can hold a speech and tell the whole story. Yes, that was it - the longest speech of his life! So the mayor dreamed about wonderful speeches, Goldi about rockets and munchies, Blotchy about repairing the castle. Flecki dreamt about kicking Goldi's bum.
For many days these hamsters had been busy cleaning up the castle and thinking of a way to get back to Hamsterton. In the cellar Goldi found a few aged Sylvester rockets and now nobody was safe any longer. He told everybody that shooting off signal rockets was the only possibility to get help from Hamsterton.
"But Hamsterton is too far away", Flecki and Dodo tried to explain.
"Our friends can't see your rockets there."
But Goldi did not listen to reason, that is, he did not want to listen. His main occupation was to fumble at the rocket drives and frighten the other hamsters. If it only banged and he had fun! Of course everybody was really pissed off by now and Flecki decided to make an end to all the banging. Infuriated, she took a pot of tea, went to Goldi's rocket collection and poured the tea over it.
"Oops, Goldi, silly me. I'm awfully sorry!"
With big eyes Goldi looked at his soaked rockets and tears came to his eyes. At this moment the mayor came along and saw the sad Goldi. Finally he could be of assistance and so he said:
"No problem, this will be dried quickly."
He took the whole bunch of wet rockets and carried it to the kitchen. When he came back into the great hall a few minutes later all the hamsters who had assembled here looked at him agog. The mayor enjoyed this moment of being the centre of attention. He cleared his throat and beamed around. Then be started to talk:
"Well, well, quick decisions ask for quick action, don't they, my dear friends? When I saw the wet bunch and when I saw the unlucky Goldi I immediately knew: Something has to be done. Immediately and with my well-known decisiveness I did the right thing. Yes, I did the right thing and helped this friend of ours. I realized that only by a quick decision this unlucky creature and his wet bunch…"
"Yes, yes, that's okay", Flecki interrupted him. "And where are the rockets now?"
"Ro-ro-rockets?!" the mayor groaned.
"Yes, the ro-ro-rockets. Where are they now?" the chorus of hamsters shouted.
"I-i-in the ba-ba-ba… ." Words failed the mayor.
"Bathing tub?" Flecki hopefully asked.
"N-n-no, in the ba-ba-bake, in the ba-ba-bake…", the mayor stammered.
"Baker Street?" Tuffy asked with some bewilderment.
"Oven", the sweating mayor groaned, "baking oven."
Deathly silence in the old castle. They could hear their own breathing. A smell of singed paper emerged from the kitchen. With big eyes and trembling whiskers the hamsters were standing in the great hall and did not move. Then a cry of "Cinap, pleh!" and the hamsters did what they could do best: running in circles and squeaking. After a few minutes of running and yelling still nothing had happened. No bang, no explosion. They wondered. Finally Dodo lamented loudly:
"Why doesn't anybody do anything? Someone has to switch off the oven!"
Now they all looked at the mayor. The mayor looked back anxiously. He quite realized that all the world now expected him to do something. Leadership and decision were now expected from him - and he by far would have preferred to flee, shrieking. With rather a silly grin he moved towards the kitchen.
"Ha ha, the baking oven! Well, I simply will switch if off!"
He just had reached the oven when the explosion came.
Chapter 3
Voyage home
"McClown, are you ready? Can't you work faster? Do I have to do everything myself?"
Lord McShredder was so angry that he almost got up from his comfortable wheelchair to look for his butler. Impatiently he searched his trouser pocket for some tobacco. There were only some crumbs of tobacco and the rest of a handkerchief but he stuffed everything into his pipe.
"McClown! It is urgent!"
Panting and gasping the poor butler came running.
"Sir, the buyers for the house are waiting!"
"He? The tires of the grouse are trailing? McClown, that's gibberish. I hardly have any tobacco left and you are joking. Now go and get me some tobacco and don't stand about here lazily."
Frido McClown ran as fast as he could. But he was still rather close when he again heard the croaking voice of his master.
"McClown!"
He turned on the heel and ran back to the spot where he just had been standing. With glittering eyes he listened what milord had to say to him.
"If you are taking a stroll to the town, do also bring some tea. A nice cup of tea serves for calming down. You should drink one, too. You are looking a little nervous. - Eh, McClown, do stop kicking the fence!"
The butler's patience was spent indeed. The suitcases were almost packed. Some items were missing, such as the collection of His Lordship's tobacco pipes which numbered about 600. All the newspapers and yellow press which McShredder had collected over the years would not go back home. Frido McClown had taken a plank out of the dining room floor and hidden pipes and newspapers there. Then he had nailed the plank again and was glad that he did not have to take along all this rubbish. By now he had reached the little town which was a few minutes’ walk from the hacienda. He bought what he had been ordered to, returned, set the kettle on the stove, made a deal with a former torero, who had retired, and sold the house to him. Then he took the tobacco to Lord McShredder, prepared the tea and made a phone call. While he was dialling, he heard a croaking "McClown, where is my tea?" but he just did not heed it.
He rang up his old friend, the captain. It was the one who once had taken him along to Reykjavik as stowaway. Never the butler would forget how this sailor had saved the hamsters from certain death. There had been a storm and he had stumbled over a fender. O the dear, cute hamsters! Tears came to his eyes, he thought of the stormy balloon-landing in Strathy Point. Well, just now the captain had promised to take them back to Scotland. In two days he would meet them in the port of Vivero. While the butler wondered how they were to get to Vivero he went back to His Lordship.
"McClown, you are sleeping in the middle of the day! Now you've forgotten the tea. If I don't to everything myself…"
"He? Sir, I'm on the bottom of the sea? I didn't realize that…"
The butler aped the deafness of milord and ducked away when McShredder threw his pipe at him. Then he went to finish the packing. He did not heed the swearing of milord. With satisfaction he watched how McShredder struggled out of the wheelchair to pick up the hot pipe before the carpet was on fire. The packing was soon finished and the butler heard milord crowing again:
"McClown, where is the ship?"
"Sir", McClown shouted, "the ship is in the harbour, if you please."
"Which harbour?"
"In Vivero, Sir."
"Where is that?"
"Behind Magazos, Sir."
"Aha, and where is Magazos?"
"Behind Fonterova, Sir."
"Aha, and Fonterova?'"
"A few kilometres to the west, Sir. In Spain, Sir. On the planet Earth, Sir."
"Aha, and where… McClown, I'm not stupid! Of course I know that we are in Spain. Then find a solution how to get me there. It is not very comfortable for me to be carted by you over the bumpy roads."
"Certainly, Sir, I will immediately look for a vehicle."
The few inhabitants of the hamlet Fonterova spent a comfortably boring life. Nothing ever happened in this backwater but this afternoon a change occurred. While village and people were dozing, a man approached their place from eastern direction. He dragged a donkey behind him. The donkey pulled an old wooden cart. On this cart a wheelchair was mounted. In the wheelchair a man was sitting smoking a pipe. He obviously was angry. The sleepy villagers heard the old man scolding the other one who dragged the donkey.
"McClown, you madman, why did you not order a taxi?"
"Sir, there are no taxis and we sold the tractor."
"McClown, I want some tea!"
"There is no tea, Sir, and please stop shouting, the donkey is going to be wild."
"No tea! You ungrateful dog!"
The Spanish villagers watched the infuriated man on the throne-like wheelchair throwing his pipe at the younger man. But the pipe hit the innocent donkey and the hot ash singed the donkey's mane. The donkey did what everybody would do when he is singed: he yelled in pain and ran. Delighted, the villagers watched what was happening on their dusty road. A donkey with smoking mane raced along the bumpy road, dragging behind him a cart. The old man in his wheelchair was still sitting in the cart, but he bounced up and down and hardly could hold to the cart. And then there was the man who up to now had dragged the donkey. Now he wildly waved his arms, shouted and ran after the cart.
The eyes of the villagers followed this funny group for a long time until only a little cloud of dust was to be seen in the setting sun. One of them, an old man with only few teeth left, shook his head and said to his neighbour:
"Gringos!"1
The neighbour, who had just closed his eyes to doze on, opened them again and replied:
"Yes, always hectic. Don't know leisure, these gringos."
It did not take Lord McShredder and his butler long now to reach the port of Vivero. The poor donkey had only half his mane left. In pain and with a loud "Eeyore" he jumped into the water of the harbour. The butler desperately tried to hold the wheelchair with milord but with a splash they all fell into the water.
"Me lads, ye're there, tha's swell. We may be off on t' double."
The captain laughed. He was standing at the railing of this ship and hurled a rope towards McShredder. It took some time to heave the swearing lord on board. The donkey swam to the shore for the wooden cart and the wheelchair were quite shattered and floated in the water. McClown was the last one to get on board because he had to get all the suitcases out of the water. But finally everything was done and they could travel home to Scotland.
The ship left the harbour and soon they would see the old castle again..
Chapter 4
The Old Castle II
The old castle in the heart of Scotland, close to Killichonan, was a dreadful sight. It had done so for many years, but now it looked worse than ever. Where once had been the repaired roof with its big bell now was no roof at all. Neither a bell. After all a roof hardly can exist without walls, and there were no walls any longer. The hamsters had done quite a job there. Groaning and yammering they were lying in all the debris on the floor of the former entrance hall.
"Mayor?" Flecki shouted, summing up the situation. "Come on, Goldi, move your bum, we have to rescue the mayor."
Goldi got up and groaned while chief engineer Botchy took up a teaspoon from the floor. By the way, it was His Lordship’s favourite teaspoon and more often than not he had used it to stuff tobacco into his pipe. Taking the spoon, Botchy and Goldi began to dig a path through debris and stones. Tuffy also tried to help but as usual she did more damage than good. Several times chief engineer Botchy had to rescue her from under a collapsed heap of debris. But finally they found the mayor. He had a big bump at his head and squinted helplessly.
Dodo, who had seen him first, shouted: "He's alive!" The hamsters promptly began to cheer and to run in circles. The mayor sat in the centre and grinned. "You okay, Mayor?" Flecki asked and cautiously approached the grinning mayor. It took some time until he turned his head towards Flecki. The bump at his head was very obvious but he tried to get up anyhow. When after a good while he got to his short legs he grinned happily and crashed into a heap of debris head first.
"Well", Goldi said, "you can't say he's fit."
The mayor was dragged out of the debris and laid down in a corner. Then the hamsters started to clear away the worst mess and to repair the damages. Busily everybody ran about but in the evening nothing had changed. To make things worse it started to rain and storm during the night so that the poor animals spent an uncomfortable night under Lord McShredder's wingchair. It meant something that the hamsters did not hold a party but looked for rugs or something the like. Finally Botchy succeeded to make some rugs from an old carpet. But even then there was no peace. The mayor wandered about in the ruins of the castle and told something about a voyage to the south. In between he fell in one of the many holes in the floor and had to be rescued. After a long, stressing night finally a new day dawned. When the first sunrays warmed the ruin the hamsters woke up and discussed what to do. They really had no mind to stay here for another uncomfortable night. The mayor had not changed in the meantime and rather wrecked the nerves of the other hamsters by prating something about summer, sun, and beach and asking everybody where the next travel office might be. The hamsters felt quite fed up.
"If he asks me again for the way to the next travel office, he'll get his second bump!" Flecki grumbled.
"Perhaps he would be better then", Goldi replied. "A tiny little explosion…"
He did not continue. Seeing all the infuriated looks, Goldi preferred to shut up.
"We can't stay here", Tuffy yammered. "I don't want to live between debris. That isn't cosy."
"Well", chief Botchy said, "we can't do anything without new building material."
They all felt downcast and drew back for a conference near the relicts of the fire place. But as so often they had no idea at all. Silently they stood together and looked at the floor. Only the mayor was in the best of tempers and sang a song about a "white beach at the blue sea". Something had to happen - but what? It was Goldi who said:
"Somehow the mayor is right!"
"Maybe", Grumpy agreed. "He's got such a lot of screws loose, he thinks everything swell."
"I don't mean that", Goldi objected. "We should look for some warmer place. Think of the Bettyhill beach!"
"Great!" Tuffy cheered. "The mayor certainly has an inspiration and we perhaps should follow him. I'm sure he is an enlightened man."
They all cheered, but Flecki did not trust the matter.
"That's the silliest idea since Goldi's pancake-machine. We'll go to hell with this enlightened man. Or to the moor. Or to both."
So they voted. After the votes had been counted several times, they had the result:
14 Pros
2 Cons and
9 votes had been eaten
So the matter was decided. It took half a day until the mayor understood that they were to go to the sea now. The hamsters decided to let him go ahead and relied on it that he would find the way. The mayor indeed marched ahead merrily. When they reached the road, he paused, looked left, looked right, looked at the big lake in front of them. Then he turned to the right, the hamsters followed him and the place where once the castle had been standing was left behind.
It would be a long walk, in this the hamster all agreed as an exception. They were, however, in good cheer and even Flecki admitted that the mayor had been right to go to the right. She had taken a look at an old map lying about in the castle and knew that this was the shortest way to the sea. But she heartily doubted whether the silly mayor really was enlightened.
The hamsters had already walked for some hours, when they saw a big red car ahead of them. It was standing in the middle of the road they wanted to take. Everybody looked at the mayor and waited for his decision. But the enlightened one only stood there with a stupid grin. Goldi nudged him and whispered:
"Hey, what about taking the car? I can't walk any longer."
"We take the car", the mayor repeated without in any way catching what Goldi was talking about.
The hamsters were impressed. What a leader! Yes, he must needs be an enlightened one. With loud cheers they scrambled through an open car door and made themselves comfortable. There was some gingerbread under the passenger seat. Now it was party time. When a few minutes later somebody got into the car and started the motor, they all held to something because now a wild drive started. With high speed they raced over the narrow road. The hamsters shrieked and toppled over and had a lot of fun. Only the driver frowned because he did not like the noises his car made.
"Next week I've got to take the car to the garage", he thought. "Something is wrong with the suspension. Something's squeaking there."
While the driver was worried and the hamsters were casting merry somersaults, they approached a lonely railway station. Here the wild drive came to an end. The driver left the car and for the hamsters this meant they had to walk again. By now it was dark and they had to cross some railway tracks. However, after a few metres the mayor simply laid down, yawned and dozed off.
"The enlightened one wants us to stay here overnight ", Tuffy shouted. "Shall we make camp?"
Chief Botchy looked about him and said in a satisfied tone:
"This place is ideal. We are exactly between two high steel walls - I think it's called rails. Here we're well screened against wind. We will be quite comfortable on these wooden planks which connect the rails. So our fur won't get wet."
Everything appeared peaceful. The weather was fine by now and the first stars glittered in the evening sky. The hamsters fetched their rugs, made themselves comfortable and rested their tired little feet.
Their nightly party was quite short because their journey had really exhausted them. But in the small hours their sleep was interrupted by some horrible noise. It sounded as if everything about them was going to collapse.
"A monster, it will destroy us!" the hamsters yelled and on the planks ran in circles. There was a loud puffing and hissing, then the screeching of metal. Anxiously the hamsters assembled round the still grinning mayor and cried:
"Help us, o enlightened one, a monster wants to eat us!"
The mayor seemed to notice that everybody looked at him. For a moment his silly grin vanished, then he looked at all the anxious hamsters and again grinned broadly. The thrill rose, they all waited for the words of their wise man. After five minutes' of mute smiling he said:
"We take the car…"
"What I said, completely nuts", Flecki cried. "Where should we get a car?"
Also the other hamsters became fidgety but suddenly Tuffy shouted:
"Look there, the monster has wheels."
Now the other hamsters noticed it, too. Indeed, many wheels were standing on the steel walls, one behind the other. Slowly the little rodents perceived that this perhaps was no monster after all. Goldi said that this might be a train. The little animals realized that this was not really a monster and they took heart again. Dodo and Botchy were the first ones to climb up the wheels. Then they waved and the others followed them. By and by they climbed up higher and reached a platform, then another platform and finally a big room with many benches. Between the benches was a passage.
“The enlightened on has led us! He knew!” Tuffy cried, enraptured. Then the train started moving.
Chapter 5
At Sea I
The ship left the harbour. The captain patted McClown’s shoulder and told him to take the suitcases to the stern so that they could dry. The butler left the cabin and dragged one suitcase after the other to the rear of the ship.
“McClown, are you ready at last? Can’t you speed up? Do push me to the front, I can’t see anything here!”
Milord could indeed not see much. In his haste McClown had pushed the wheelchair to the cabin wall so that milord only could see this wall.
“A chill breeze, Sir, isn’t it?” the butler said when he took His Lordship to the bow. Then he secured the wheelchair so that it could not roll off. Both looked out to the sea thoughtfully.
“A filled freeze!” McShredder repeated. “That’s no bad idea.”
“Sir, what I said…” The butler got no further. The strong wind blew into his face so that he thought he was going to suffocate. McClown coughed and coughed and hardly could breath. Gasping, he fell down to the planks and fought for air.
“Don’t stammer, McClown! Where is the filled freeze?”
“Bre… Breeze…", was all McClown could say.
Now they had left the Bay of Biskaya and the sea became rough. The wind was so strong that they hardly could stand upright. The ship struggled through high waves and just when McClown was getting up again a breaker splashed over the rail and knocked him over again. The poor butler desperately held to a fender, slipped off and crashed against the mast. He bravely fought against wind and waves, trying to reach the bow. But a coil was in his path and McClown tumbled to the planks again, right beside milord’s wheelchair.
“Stop these silly games, McClown. A butler of your kind should not scramble about on the floor. If you have nothing else to do, you may…”
The old lord got no further. Enraged, the butler kicked the wheelchair and hit the safety lever. Lord McShredder screamed and darted along the deck to the cabin door. There was a loud crash and over the howling of the storm McClown heard the captain’s voice:
“Well, 'ighness, got a cold bottom?”
During this afternoon, lord and butler were not on speaking terms. The captain did not mind this for now he could concentrate on steering the ship through the rough sea. He lit his pipe and looked out to the sea. By the way, His Lordship had lost his pipe. When staying on deck he caught a cold and when he sneezed the pipe darted right through the cabin. As he did not wish to talk to his butler, he could not order him to pick the pipe up.
“D'ye know that the Bay o’ Biscaya is 5,000 metres deep in some places?” the captain tried to cheer up his passengers.
McClown shook his head and milord croaked: “Indeed? We should send McClown down to measure that. And when will we arrive?”
“Well”, the captain grumbled, “depends ‘ow we get ‘round the Scillys.”
“What newfangled nonsense is that?” McShredder shouted.
The captain sucked at his pipe, took it out of his mouth and explained.
“Scilly Islands south-west o’ Britain. Well, tha’s about 140 little islands and riffs. Only the five biggest are in’abited. ‘t’s ‘bout 45 km south o’ Land’s End. The meaning o’ Scilly is ‘sunny', so sunny islands, see. ‘cause o’ the gulf stream there’s lots o’ sun, quite tropical. Yer’ll even find palm trees there. Yer may munch coconuts if yer like ter, see.”
“And will that be dangerous?” McClown asked with big eyes.
“Munching coconuts?” the captain laughed. “Nay, but the Scillys always ‘ave been difficult waters. Many a ship sank there in spite o’ all light’ouses. In 1907 the Thomas W. Lawson, one o’ t’ world biggest schooners sank there. Only two sailors survived.”
“O my God!” McClown jumped up in panic and stepped up to the captain when suddenly something cracked loudly under his feet. His Lordship’s pipe!
Slowly the looks of lord and butler crossed, then the infuriated lord shouted:
“I will not stay in the same cabin with this rough cub of butler. Captain, this man goes over board instantly or I’ll leave this cabin!”
“Well, ‘ighness”, the captain grinned, “wishing yer a pleasant night on deck.”
A short while later the captain and McClown were comfortably sitting in the wheel house over tea and coffee. The butler explained that milord wasn’t really a bad chap, just quite deaf and stubborn. The sea had calmed down in the meantime but the captain still watched his instruments for now they were close to the Scilly Islands.
“Good luck ‘t’s not blowing, me lad. If that keeps stable, we’ll be right slipping past the islands.”
McClown nodded and watched the captain holding the wheel. Now and then he corrected the course and the ship then bent to port or starboard. At every course correction something rumbled on deck.
“Say, our Frido”, the captain said and took the pipe out of his mouth, “’ave yer moored yer lord on deck?”
McClown sprinted out.
“Sir”, the captain heard him shout, “may I help you?”
“Get off, McClown, I can well handle this.”
When Lord McShredder had said so, his wheelchair raced from port to starboard as the captain just had altered the course a little. With an anxious face the butler watched the proceedings of His Lordship who just crashed against the ship’s side and screamed. “Sir, I really would like to help you. Perhaps…”
“Back off, McClown, I’m no child and… Aaaaah!”
“Right pig’eaded, yer boss, ain’t ‘e?” the captain asked and McClown nodded.
Suddenly the butler’s face brightened and he grinned at the captain.
“Captain, may I take the wheel?”
Chapter 6
Hamster-Express
The train with the hamsters passed marvellous landscapes. High mountains and green valleys alternated. Now and then the train puffed along a small river. They passed a high bridge and reached a moor and the hamsters were sitting at the windows and marvelled.
“We take the car…” the Mayor smiled. Flecki took his paw, sighed and replied: “It’s all right, Mayor, we are in the car. Do look out of the window for a while, it’s very beautiful outside.”
While the mayor offered his silly grin to the landscape the first hamsters began to feel bored. From the next compartment Goldi had nicked a box of gingerbread while chief engineer Botchy and repair hamster Tuffy rolled a large bottle over the floor. “We found this!” he shouted proudly. “Seems to be some apple juice or the like. There’s a picture of an apple on it.”
Now they had a party. There were the above mentioned biscuits and the very, very tasty drink. Rather a pity that the hamsters did not know the word “Cider”, which was not really apple juice. In Scotland everybody knows Cider, of course, and everybody knows that it is an alcoholic drink. The little hamsters did not know - not yet. Hamster parties are all alike: munching, hanging out, dancing, and munching again. By now the train had passed Fort William a while ago and to the left Loch Eil came into sight. It was a wonderful view but unfortunately the hamsters did not notice it. Topple and Tuffy tried to dance on the empty Cider-bottle and rolled down several hamsters who had laid down for a nap. Flecki nibbled at some gingerbread and watched
Goldi who clambered along the emergency brake, calling again and again: “Watch out! Super-hamster is coming!” Then with a loud yell he slumped down. But this time he did not land on the soft bolster of the bench. Instead there was a loud crash.
“Where’s super-'amster now?” chief Botchy slurred and had some difficulties to keep himself upright.
“Oh - he”, Flecki drawled. “Super-hamster landed in the ashtray and is stuck.”
While the train rattled on through a beautiful landscape some hamsters managed to turn up the heating so that the temperatures in the compartment became quite tropical. The mayor was sitting on the heating and sang songs about hot beaches and the blue sea. Some hamsters now got a sudden fancy for the sea and diverted the flush of the toilet to the compartment. After a few minutes the delighted mayor had the sea he was singing about in front of his paws. “We are there!” he cheered and wanted to dip a paw into the water.
Super-hamster who now freed himself, scrambled out of the ashtray and jumped. As the mayor was just bending down he could not see Goldi and they both plunged into the loo-water. Now there was no stopping for the drunken hamsters. One after the other they climbed up to the emergency brake and jumped into the loo-water. While Flecki taught little Taty and repair hamster Tuffy how to snip a loo-roll, the party came to a very sudden end. Quite a lot of hamsters had climbed up to the emergency brake and merrily swung to and fro. By their weight the brake was released, the train slowed down, the wheels screamed. As the train had been in a long bend and not very fast, it soon came to a standstill. Those hamsters who did not hold to something were hurled into the water or to the benches. Then all was quiet. Anxiously the hamsters scrambled onto the windowsills. Far off they could see a large stone bridge. But then they heard something which shocked them: loud voices, shouts and the trampling of feet. After the little rodents had run in circles and squeaked in panic for a while they had the idea to flee. It would be terrible after all if the conductor caught them here.
“Quick, we’ve got to get out of the train before they get at us!” Flecki shouted.
“But how?” Tuffy wailed. “Where is the mayor?”
The mayor just had slept a little and the jerk of the stopping train had thrown him from the bench. Now he dizzily floated in the water and towards the toilet. When he reached it he decided to look out of the window to see if they were at the sea by now. Doing so, he lost his balance and plunged into the loo. Wonderingly the other hamsters assembled round the toilet and did not really know what kind of message the enlightened one had given them by this action.
“That’s brilliant!” Goldi suddenly shouted. Everybody looked at him. “It’s clear as daylight”, Goldi continued. “Train toilets always have a large opening outward. I think it’s a kind of emergency exit. If you press down that big lever there, the exit opens.” With loud cheers the hamsters now jumped into the loo - following their mayor. When all his friends were in, Goldi hopped onto the big lever, then he followed his friends. It was a very, very long jump. The hamsters thought it never would end. But finally they landed in a small river, which meandered from the north through Glen Finnan.
Half-dead of horror they plunged into the ice cold water which promptly made them wide awake. They were not much of swimmers but they were lucky. It had been raining a lot during the last days and so branches were floating in the river to which they could hold. They drifted in western direction, passed Loch Shiel and reached Shiel Bridge in the middle of the night. Half starved and completely knocked out they scrambled ashore and looked at a long, long bridge.
“Super-duper, that was fun, o enlightened one!” Flecki nagged.
“And what now?” “We take the car…”, the mayor said and smiled.
Chapter 7
At Sea II
The ship with the captain and his passengers had passed the Isle of Man a few hours ago. A beautiful view - if only there would not have been the steady nagging of His Lordship. By now he had calmed down a little however, for the last night told on him. He cursed his stubbornness which had brought him a most uncomfortable night on deck. At least his butler had mended the tobacco pipe and Lord McShredder now enjoyed the view. In the distance land came in sight.
“Hey, is that land over there? Are we there after all?” he shouted and got up from his wheelchair to get a better view.
“Not yet”, the captain replied. “Tha’s Islay, the most southern island o’ the Inner ‘ebrides. It’s followed by Jura. Well, well, me lads, I’d like ter live there.”
“Why?” lord and butler asked uni sono.
The captain took the pipe out of this mouth. “Yer know, lads, it’s a swell place fer an ol’ skipper like me. Far away from all tourists! D’yer know that them two islands are within 5 ship minutes from each other and they’re completely different? Jura’s wild and untamed. ‘bout 200 people livin’ there, tha’s all. One road, nothin’ else, but a snow white beach. - D’yer know that George Orwell ‘as written ‘is masterpiece there - the “1984” novel?”
Lord and butler shook their heads and so the captain continued. “Islay on the other ‘and’s lovely. It’s been the most important Scottish island once. The McDonald chiefs ‘ad been sitting there, ruling the ‘ebrides an’ all the Western ‘ighlands. D’yer know that?” Again lord and butler shook their heads and so the captain continued. “Well, well, and then we’ll come ter Mull, tha’s the biggest o’ the Inner ‘ebrides, close ter the western coast o’ Scotland. We’ll pass Staffa, tha’s quite a sight! All basalt pillars and the mighty Fingal’s Cave - counts ter the geological wonders o’ the world, yer know. By the by, ‘nother masterpiece was borne there, the composer Mendelssohn-Bartholdy ‘ad the idea for his ‘ebrides-Overture. Yer know that, don’ yer?”
Lord and butler again shook their heads and Lord McShredder croaked in a low voice:
“You can’t think on an empty stomach and if you can’t think, you can’t know anything.”
“Sir, we’ve got baked beans, I will dress them tastily”, the butler proposed and hastened to the cabin.
“What?” milord mumbled. “There is a naked team and he will dress them hastily? What’s the matter here? I didn’t notice any other passengers, not to talk about a team!”
Well, team or no team, soon they all were sitting in the cabin eating the beans with great delight. Sea air makes hungry, but Frido McClown looked troubled. While he had been preparing the beans he had thought of his cute little friends. He remembered the day when the hamsters had eaten beans for the first time and how afterwards the air in the castle had been quite unbearable. While he indulged in such memories, he suddenly missed the cloth with which he had cleaned the dirty stove. The cloth had not turned up again and the butler feared the worst. Suddenly His Lordship coughed and looked at him:
“Delicious, McClown, really delicious. The hamburger was a good idea, but I think it’s a bit hot spiced!”
The captain could not refrain from grinning and when they were finished he said:
“Now we’ve right passed Mull, see thee?”
Lord and butler shook their heads and so the captain continued: “That little spot aft ‘ad been Staffa, so we’re there soon. If ye wanna get ashore, we’ll land at Ardnamurchan peninsula. Tha’s ‘bout the level o’ Killichonan, not far away from yer castle.”
“Then we have to walk?” McClown asked and was quite terrified when he thought of pushing along the nagging lord and somehow transporting the suitcases as well.
“Well, tha’s the best I can do fer yer. There’s too many ferries and I’ve no idea ‘bout their schedules. So we’ll anchor at the northern ‘eadland. Ye’ll like it, ‘owever. The landscapes are smashing all over. There the ‘Singing Sand’ o’ Gortenfern, ancient ruins like Castle Tioram and…” The captain paused and then continued. “There are volcanoes.”
Lord and butler looked at the captain open-mouthed. “Ay, gents, volcanoes. Ben Hiant fer instance. Mac Lean’s Nose, the cliff at Kilchoan… Well, it’s the core of an old volcano, the peak’s eroded o’er the time. But there’s minerals and gems in abundance. Gems, me lads! Well, well, ‘ardly any cars there, but lots o’ ferries. O’er summer there’s even a car ferry between Kilchoan and Tobermory.”
They kept a respectful silence until McClown saw something bright ahead. “Captain”, he shouted excitedly, “that looks like the beach of Bettyhill!”
The captain took the pipe out of his mouth and laughed. “Jus’ almost, our Frido. This one’s way bigger and better. Pals, we’ve made it. Welcome ter Sanna Bay!”
Chapter 8
Kilchoan
“We take the car?” Flecki was close to going postal. “Mayor, let me tell you that nowhere around is any road, not to talk about a car. It’s pitch dark and the people are sleeping! Well, Mayor?”
The mayor grinned and looked up to the stars. “We take the car…”
“Arrrgh, I’ll screw off his blockhead! He’s loopy, he is!” Flecki screamed and wanted to go for the mayor but chief engineer Botchy and repair hamster Tuffy could hold back the raging Flecki.
“Perhaps we do not understand him correctly”, Tuffy wondered. “He is certainly thinking on quite another level.”
“I’m sure”, Goldi laughed. “Dou you remember his Xmas speech when the Christmas tree hit his bonce?”
“Ha, ha”, Flecki snickered, “and when the goulash buried him…”
The mayor still watched the stars and grinned. “Would like to know what’s so wonderful up there”,
Topple wondered. “There certainly is no car.” “
The Charioteer in the best case”, Goldi said and laughed again. “We might shoot him there with a rocket.”
“Charioteer?” Tuffy cried excitedly. “A charioteer steers a car! That’s it! The enlightened one shows us the direction we’re to go.”
Now the hamsters held a short conference. They decided better to follow a silly plan than to have no plan at all. On their westward road the hamsters were glad to be on dry ground again. The route was quite pleasant and quite lonely. The main road turned to the south, and the stars they were following gleamed in the western sky.
“If the road does not soon bend to the right, we’ll never reach the sea”, Dodo lamented.
“That’s right”, Flecki said. “We certainly won’t follow that silly charioteer this way. Where are we, by the way?”
“I think the place-name sign said something like El Caracha”,1 Dodo said.
It was rather a cold night and to make matters worse it started to drizzle. The main road still showed no intention to bend to the west and so the hamsters took the next side road to the right and after a few hundred metres they could see a building at the road side. When they came closer they saw that it was a church. Four windows and a tiny tower, not much bigger than a chimney, that was all this little grey church had to offer. The hamsters did not mind. They soon found a small opening and were glad to be out of the rain. It was cold and spooky but outside it was colder and spookier.
The night was short and not very restful as the mayor several times stroke up songs about sun and beach.
“If we are not at some beach soon, I’ll go nuts.” But not only Flecki was cross with the mayor. Their eyes were red-rimmed and they would have liked to shoot the mayor to the sea with a canon.
“We urgently need something to eat”, Goldi remarked. “We haven’t eaten for an hour!”
“Because you sucked in everything there was”, Flecki grumbled. “Now we can see how we fare.”
The situation was serious. There was nothing but peat moss and grass - and heather which the hamsters did not like at all. Now they would have needed some good advice and after a short discussion the hamsters decided to go back to the main road. There was a small town after all and in a town should be something to eat. Only the mayor very much disliked the idea, he bleated about going to the sea. Finally Botchy and Dodo gripped his hind-paws and dragged him along. So it took some time until the reached the town.
“And now?” Flecki looked about her. “Over there are some shops, but we have no money.”
“We could make a break-in”, Goldi proposed. “That would only be theft of food and the penalty would not be so hard.”
“Great”, Flecki jeered. “And how will we get away quickly with our short paws?”
“We take the car…”
“Shut up, Mayor!” Flecki shouted and ran in circles. “If that chap says another word, I’ll go bonkers.”
“Well”, Topple said, “over there is a van, but I won’t join in a holdup.”
“How about working for a change?” repair hamster Tuffy asked.
This proposal was agreed to with loud cheers, though none of the hamsters had the faintest idea how to earn money or nourishment by work. But now they had to decide in which shop they were to offer their willingness to labour. Chief Botchy proposed the small shop for spare parts. Flecki and Tuffy voted for the flower shop, Goldi for the bakery, and the mayor for sun, sea and beach. The majority favoured Goldi’s proposal and as he had made it, he also was to go to the interview for the job.
“If it doesn’t work, we’ll take plan B”, Goldi firmly said.
“Plan B?” Flecki asked.
“Plan B”, repeated Goldi and nodded. “We’ll nick a slice of cake and run away.”
So they entered the bakery, dragging behind them the protesting mayor. It was not easy to open the heavy door, but with united forces they succeeded. A bell rang and an elderly lady stepped behind the counter. First she looked at the door with some surprise because it seemed to have opened by a ghost’s hand, but then she looked to the floor. Startled, she gave her glasses a touch und peered at the hamsters. “O my, you darlings! What do you want here?” Flecki shoved Goldi towards the counter. So Goldi was standing in front of the saleslady and tried to remember the words which a long time ago Elfrida2 had taught him. His brain worked. What if the nice lady asked him what kind of work the hamsters could do? None, he would have to admit. So Plan B? No, is was impossible to jump onto the counter and steel the cake. Then Goldi had the solution. With saucer eyes he looked at the saleslady and pointed at his belly. He gave a low, wailing squeak and again pointed at his hungry stomach. This had the required effect.
“Oh, you poor little darling animal! You are hungry! O come to me, I will give you something.”
Tears were in the woman’s eyes. She took some slices of cake and distributed them lavishly to the hamsters. Goldi of course got the largest piece. Then she ruffled the munching Goldi’s fur and held the shop door open so that the hamsters with their cakes could leave.
“Well done! Regarding food you are unbeatable”, Flecki said to Goldi when they were back on the main road. The hamsters had hardly solved this problem in such a glorious style when the next one turned up. The sky had darkened within the last hours and now the first, thick raindrops began to fall.
“Shall we take the car now?” Tuffy asked.
This time they did not discuss but one after the other climbed onto the roofed loading space. The rain pattered on the canvas of the van, while the hamsters were sitting dry and noshed their cakes. In here it was most comfortable and when the last crumb was scoffed one hamster after the other fell asleep. The rain had ended for long when the hamsters were started up.
“Pleh, an earthquake, cinap!” the hamsters shrieked.
“Keep cool!” chief Botchy said. “You know what to do if there’s any danger!”
The hamsters immediately started to shriek and to run in circles. The running was quite difficult because the ground under their little paws moved and rumbled. Again and again the small animals toppled over until at last they struck on the idea to find out what was happening. “The van simply moved off!” Tuffy cried in panic.
“He he”, the mayor grinned. “We take the car… Summer, sun, and beach, where I found a peach…”
“Where might we be going?” Tuffy asked and squinted through a crack in the canvass.
“Hey, there’s a sign. I think it says Kilchoan.”
Now there was no stopping for the hamsters. Each of them looked for a crack in the canvass to peer out. The landscape was wonderful. In the far distance a high mountain could be seen which looked like a volcano. The sea was visible in the other direction. Rumbling, the van passed a sign which showed the word Sanna, then the vehicle suddenly stopped.
Cautiously the hamsters peered out. They were on a small parking place. The driver got out and walked into the direction they had come. A phone box was standing there. The hamsters could see a narrow river which seemed to run into the sea. They could see dunes and seaweed. Quickly they scrambled down from the van and ran into the dunes. The last one to follow was the mayor who again bawled his song about the beach. When they finally reached the beach they exhaustedly fell to the warm, clean sand and looked out to the sea. In the distance a ship was approaching.
2 (Book II, Hamsters, Witches und Australia)
Chapter 9
McClown goes Bonkers
Lord McShredder was beside himself with rage while McClown tried to calm him down.
“Sir, may I bring it to your notice that it was not my fault when your pipe fell into the water?”
McClown cried and had some difficulty to avoid the fender which His Lordship had thrown at him. The captain was standing behind the wheel and shook his head. A few minutes ago milord had been standing at the bow and excitedly given orders how to steer the ship. The captain had simply ignored the orders of such a landlubber. When McClown had asked milord not to disturb the captain just now, McShredder began to accost him. Then the pipe had fallen out of his mouth.
“It’s all your fault, McClown, so get my pipe out of the water!”
“But Sir, perhaps there are monsters!” the butler yammered.
“Bollocks!” the captain laughed. “Nothin’ but wales, dolphins and orcas. An’ now ‘old yer on, gents, we’re mooring.”
The hamsters were taking notice of the things happening on the approaching ship. They stood on their hind-paws and craned their necks. Their whiskers quivered with excitement. They saw two men, a younger and an older one, standing in the water to their hips. The older one tried to thrash the younger one but failed as the younger one fled towards the beach. The ship anchored about 30 metres off-shore and the captain set out a dinghy. He threw the suitcases in. Butler Frido McClown panted when he reached the beach of Sanna Bay, threw himself on the sand exhaustedly and closed his eyes. He was really happy to be back in Scotland. Far, far away he heard the nagging voice of his master and had the idea that milord was quarrelling with the captain about the fare.
“Yer get yer trunks arff the Scillys if yer bilk!” the butler heard the voice of the captain and could not refrain from grinning. The captain certainly was able to cope with His Lordship and…
McClown opened his eyes and very, very slowly turned his head. It took him some moments to understand. Hamsters? But how and wherefrom, why were hamsters at the beach? Very special hamsters, moreover, who should not be here at all. The butler suddenly felt quite giddy. Everything was swimming about him, the sea, the beach, the dunes and some Lordship who was standing beside a dinghy and called his name. Overjoyed, he took up the very first hamster and danced with him along the beach, feeling all cheers. Then he set down the hamster.
“I’ll be back in a minute”, he said and ran to Lord McShredder to help him dragging the dinghy with the suitcases ashore.
“And I will be sick”, Flecki lamented. “I’m feeling right dizzy from all this silly roundabouting!”
“And I’m afraid we’ve got a problem”, Goldi said. “They’re coming back from a holiday or something. They don’t know that their castle is nothing but a deep-level garage.”
“The old lord will skin us, when he discovers that”, Topple whimpered.
“Best thing will be to act the stupid”, Goldi proposed.
“Better still the mayor speaks for us”, Flecki said. “That’s what he’s mayor for.”
On this proposal they happily agreed. Of course Lord McShredder himself would not ask the hamsters, he was much too deaf for that. Moreover he spoke no Hamstish, so that his butler would translate for both sides. In the worst case the butler would be thrashed - and he was quite used to that. Now the hamsters were relieved. It did take milord not long to reach the beach and discover them.
“McClown, there are rats on this beach!” “Sir, with your permission - these are hamsters!”
“For my sake. Well, McClown, see that you get the suitcases and my wheelchair ashore and than I would like to have a cup of tea”,
His Lordship croaked and sat down right between the hamsters. Then he took out his pipe, threw it to the ground and began to search for a lighter.
"Toidi!"2 Goldi shouted and hopped aside so that the pipe did not hit him.
“That calls for revenge”, Dodo grumbled. Goldi nodded, ran into the dunes and tore off some grass. Then he circled His Lordship who was still searching for his lighter and stuffed the wet grass into the pipe. Finally he sat down on the bowl of the pipe and added a bit of hamster-dropping. In the meantime the butler had placed all suitcases onto the wheelchair and carted them ashore. Now he lay down on the sand exhaustedly. His Lordship by now had found his lighter and just wanted to take his pipe when he felt the first drops of rain on his face.
“Sir, we should find some dry place”, his butler proposed and pointed to the sky. “That looks like a thunderstorm.”
“Certainly, McClown. So let me get into my wheelchair and see that we are off.” “Sir, what about the suitcases…”, the butler began, but milord cut him short.
“Fiddlesticks, McClown, you are always lamenting. I’ll help you with the suitcases, of course. One I’ll take on my lap and you take the rest. That can’t be that difficult.”
Angrily the butler stuck 4 suitcases under his arms - two at each side - and carted His Lordship through the deep sand as well as possible.
“Can’t you speed up, McClown? Am I to get wet?”
“Well, Sir”, McClown groaned, almost collapsing under the weight of the luggage and the stress of moving the loaded wheelchair over the sand, “if you could get up for a moment, Sir, I would proceed better.”
“Get up? Me? McClown, you are a lazy dog. You don’t take any pains!”
The hamsters who had listened to this, paused. The butler also paused. His face was red of rage and strain, his eyes grew bigger.
“I think he’s ripe now”, Flecki said. “Let’s look for a cosy spot and watch.”
Then everything went as quick as a flash. Milord’s wheelchair seemed to fly over the deep sand. With all his strength the furious butler wheeled Lord McShredder and his vehicle up the next dune. On top of it he stopped abruptly, and milord sailed through the air with a shrill shriek. Then Frido McClown took a suitcase and hurled it at is master. The first one missed McShredder’s head, but the next hit his shoulder. Screaming and without a trace of noble behaviour Lord McShredder ran for his life.
“I do take pains, Sir”, Frido McClown yelled. “Don’t you see how I take pains to hit your silly bonce?!” And he ran after His Lordship. The hamsters at the same time took big pains to follow. They were quite in raptures as they saw how easily the butler threw the heave luggage at his master.
“Hurry up to the dune, we’ll have a better view there”, Flecki shouted, while McShredder in his misery hid in the phone box on the parking lot.
“Come out and be a man!” the butler bawled and continued to hurtle the suitcases at the phone box. It swayed dangerously, while McShedder braced himself against it with an anxious face and kept the door shut. “Come out, you coward”, McClown roared, but milord had no mind to do so..
The hamsters enjoyed seeing all this from the dune. They watched the butler sitting down on a trunk and gasping for breath.
“Can’t we help that kind man?” Tuffy asked.
“Good idea”, Goldi said. “This butler after all has given us something to eat often enough. But how may we help?”
“We take the car…” The hamsters looked at their grinning mayor and feared that now he had gone completely mad.
“The car - of course”, Tuffy cried. “The enlightened one is right. Look, the car is standing there!”
Now also the other hamsters understood: the wheelchair! With a loud “Yarooh!” t3 hey all climbed onto the wheelchair and swung to and fro. Slowy the chair tilted. Just now Lord McShredder used the truce to light his pipe with trembling hands. He thought a little sedation would do him well. Hastily he sucked at his pipe, watching his butler Frido McClown collecting the trunks to start a new attack against him and the phone box. Then he saw something else. Something which alarmed him even more. As if steered by an invisible hand his wheelchair came darting down the dune - right towards his phone box! The butler watched it with a broad grin, knowing what was to follow. The merry squeaking of the hamsters by now had changed to panic when they approached the phone box plus McShredder.
“Jump off, jump off!” chief Botchy yelled and the hamsters one after the other hopped down from the racing wheelchair and landed in the soft sand. Only the mayor remained sitting on the upholstered seat and bawled a song about beach and sea. In the meantime Lord McShredder had a really first rate problem: his stomach went mad and his head was spinning. Thousands of trunks seemed to fly around his head and his knees felt like jelly.
Had his tobacco gone bad? He spit out the pipe, supported himself with both hands at the glass pane of the phone box and watched the approach of the racing wheelchair. Then two things happened at the same time. First His Lordship vomited so that green puke was running down the glass door. Then the wheelchair crashed into the phone box, the mayor banged against the outside of the door. Slowly he slid down at the glass panel while inside the box McShredder vomited again and again. Finally the whole phone box collapsed. Under the cheers of the hamsters Frido McClown continued his bombardment with the suitcases. The mayor had fled to the safety of the wheelchair. After his crash against the door his silly grin had vanished and he whimpered softly. When the butler to the hamsters’ delight had launched a very precise hit on the vomiting lord’s neck, McShredder shouted with his last breath:
“Have mercy, McClown, have mercy!” He was sick again. “You can put all the luggage into the wheelchair, I will walk!”
“I am glad, Sir, that this is clarified”, the butler replied calmly and walked over to the destroyed phone box.
He lifted the door handle with the remains of the door and said: “After you, Sir.”
Chapter 10
Overnight Stay
It was raining hard by now. They all yearned for a warm, dry place. Especially Lord McShredder wished for a shower and a cup of tea. The latter to calm down his stomach. Moreover he had problems as he was not used to walk. On their way along the coast they met the village of Portuairk. To their great delight they found a small tea saloon, a cosy little house with slated roof and a big chimney. Inside it was most comfortable and they had a view onto the sea.
“Welcome to McHubble House”, an old man said. He was wearing a kilt, lent on a stick and looked at the newcomers sharply. Especially he eyed Lord McShredder who really did not offer much of a sight.
“Did anybody mention the name McHubble?” His Lordship crowed.
“Sir, if I might say something”, the butler butt in.
“Shut up, McClown, this is my business!” milord hissed and turned to the landlord.
In the meantime the hamsters had jumped onto a table. Some bread crumbs were lying about there and when they had taken them they made themselves comfortable and watched what was going to happen. Lord McShredder had risen from his chair. Remains of green puke dripped from his clothing, his face was pale and the hairs were windswept but he was ready for the next quarrel. He stood in front of the landlord.
“Where is the sheep which you recently stole from me, you bastard?”1
“Sir, please remember that this was in 1935 and the sheep by now certainly…”
“McClown, I know the date exactly! That doesn’t change the fact that McHubble is a mean thief!”
Milord turned to the landlord again. “Well, you bugger, where is it?”
“A thief? You have the guts to call McHubble a thief? It was my sheep which ran astray. I just fetched it back.”
“Fetched back? You stole it, you miserable bugger!” McShredder shrieked.
His butler in the meantime was sitting at the table together with the hamsters and listened to the fight between McShredder and McHubble. In between the butler succeeded in ordering a cup of chocolate and a lot of biscuits for the hamsters and himself. While McHubble went into the kitchen to get it, he still quarrelled loudly with milord. Frido McClown and the hamsters were delighted for they had food, drink, and loud entertainment. After half an hour the two gentlemen still had not solved their problems and His Lordship shouted:
“McClown, we will leave! I won’t stay in this house another minute!”
“All right, Sir”, the butler replied, chewing, and quickly pocketed the last biscuits which the hamsters had left.
Then he turned to McHubble: “How much will that be, Sir?”
“Nothing! I won’t take any money from the clan of McShredder!”
So they left the small house and walked on. Frido McClown and the hamsters had eaten their fill and were in the best of tempers. Lord McShredder looked tired and hungry.
“McClown, we should stop for a bite somewhere.”
“Sir, may I point out”, said the still chewing butler, “that first we are not very hungry and second the next stop is planned for Kilchoan.”
“Is that far?” His Lordship groaned.
“Not very”, the butler answered and looked at the sleeping hamsters. He had placed the sleepy animals into one of the suitcases on the wheelchair - the one with the clean underwear of milord. Between trunk and lid he had stuffed one of milord’s socks so that the hamsters got enough air. Satisfied, Frido McClown saw how his little friends huddled in the underwear and slept.
The small village of Archnaha lay behind them and now they reached a narrow bridge. To their left were mountains, to their right a forest. A few kilometres later they reached Kilchoan and walked directly towards a hostel where they wanted to stay overnight. His Lordship had collapsed a short time ago and so McClown had put him onto the trunks. He carted the wheelchair to the reception and pressed the bell on the counter. A moment later a thick, resolute looking woman appeared and glanced first at the butler, then at all that was on the wheelchair.
“This is no waste deposit, Sir. If you want to have a room, leave that there outside.”
“That there, Madam”, the butler calmly answered, “is Lord McShredder of Killichonan, conqueror the Loch Ness monster and Duke of Spain.”
“Don’t tell me”, the woman retorted. “When did he fight the monster? Just now?”
The thick woman was Mrs. McMyer and showed the room to the butler. She explained to him that at this time of the night there would be no warm meal but she could prepare some sandwiches. Gratefully, the butler accepted and first of all took the hamsters and trunks to the room, then His Lordship. A short time later Mrs. McMyer appeared with the promised sandwiches. He ate one of them, put another into the trunk with the hamsters and another one beside the sleeping McShredder. Then he went to bed, but only a short time later he was roughly awakened from his dreams.
“McClown, what does that noise mean?” His Lordship stood beside his bed and goggled at the suitcase.
“Well, Sir, er, that are the hamsters. They are nocturnal animals, you know, you could say nocturnal - er - especially at night.”
“I can hear that, McClown. Please take this party group out of the room at once!”
With a sigh McClown took the suitcase and carried it out. In the meantime milord took a shower. The butler lay down on the bed and ate another sandwich. To make things worse, His Lordship started singing under the shower while the hamsters had their very loud party outside the room. Some of them had scrambled out of the trunk and took a look around the small hostel. Downstairs, in the entrance hall, they found a fire place. Flecki und Tuffy discovered that the firewood made excellent see-saws. At the same time Goldi and chief engineer Botchy built a ramp from which firewood could be shot through the entrance hall with great success. It was really easy: a log of wood was placed at one end of the ramp, then they jumped onto the other end of the ramp and off went the log through the room. Well, now and then they hit other hamsters - so what? Dodo and Topple even succeeded to open the door of the big pendulum clock, and now they merrily swung at the pendular. The mayor who still felt a little dizzy, stood beside the bell on the counter. Goldi had told him that he was the referee. Every time a log hit the bell, they mayor was to lift his paw.
“And why is he to do that?” Flecki asked. “You can hear that all right.”
“O well”, Goldi mumbled. “Every time I hit the mayor, he gives such a charming squeak.”
The butler noticed nothing of all this, he snored peacefully. Lacking soap, His Lordship in the meantime finished his showering. Two bars of soap he had already lost. One got stuck in the plughole so that the water slopped out of the basin by now. All that would not have happened if the butler had heard his desperate shouts. But the butler slept. In the meantime the water had found its way under the bathroom door to the passage and down the stairs. Cheeringly, the feasting hamsters welcomed it as new playground. Now they were hot on rafting. Each hamster took a small log and bolted into the water. Mrs. McMyer had a restless sleep. She always had when new guests were in the house. Several times already she had heard curious noises, now and then she had the idea that the bell on the counter was ringing. Moreover there was some purling sound which she could not explain.
As she could not sleep any longer, she decided to get up and take a look. It gave her the creeps when she approached the entrance hall and the curious noises grew louder and louder. It sounded like “Yarooh!” and in between squeaking and the ringing of the bell. With pounding heart and quite furious she paused. The purling of the water was directly in front of her - but suddenly there was another noise. This drowned all other noises. A loud “McClown, help!” was to be heard, followed by a loud crash. Mrs. McMyers of course could not know that Lord McShredder just had found the second bar of soap. When he left the shower he stepped onto it and darted through the door with the afore mentioned cry for help. Necessarily, the door gave way and His Lordship continued his journey down the stairs. At this very moment Mrs. McMyer entered the scene and did not believe her eyes! Bathing hamsters! A naked lord coming down the stairs with a flush of water! And now some log of wood just missed her head. Mrs. McMyer took a deep breath! Then she let out a yell which even aroused Frido McClown..
“Out! At once!”
A few minutes later Lord McShredder and his butler with their luggage stood in the street. Low hamster-snoring sounded from the trunks. Lord McShredder stretched and breathed the clear night air.
“Excellent, my dear McClown, the wonderful night air will do us good. We do not have to go far for I know this terrain like the back of my hand. To that direction we’ll reach Mingary Castle. There we will stay overnight.”
1 (Book III: 'Hamster in Danger')
Chapter 11
In the Vulcano
Silently they walked through the night. They passed a small church and left the town.
“We will be there in a moment”, milord croaked when they crossed a narrow river. Three miles later they still had not reached their goal.
“Like the back of your hand, Sir?” McClown grumped. His Lordship did not answer but stared to the right side.
“Here we are, McClown, I knew all right. An old scout like me finds his way in the middle of the night. Or in the fog. Or in a nightly fog. Follow me, McClown!”
The path became arduous, they had to walk uphill.
“Are you sure that we have to climb a mountain?”
“Nonsense, McClown, we will find no fountain. This isn’t a park after all.”
“MOUNTAIN, Sir!”
“No, McClown, in the mountains is no fountain either. But Mingary Castle is behind a small mound, so we are certainly on the right path.”
While the butler pushed the wheelchair with the suitcases the hamsters woke up from the loud talking. Cautiously they peered out of the trunk into the dark night. Ahead of them was a high mountain which seemed to touch the sky. They hid between the underwear again anxiously. Lord and butler climbed on and panted.
“Sir, might it be that we lost our way?”
“By no means, McClown, I know this terrain like the back of my hand. We will be there in a moment.”
After another hour of steep climbing the ground suddenly became plain. The sky was clouded, no moon or stars could show them the way. There were no lights or houses, not to talk of Mingary Castle. Lord and butler both held to the wheelchair and cautiously put one foot in front of the other.
“Sir, is it far to Mingary Castle?” It took some time until milord replied.
“My dear McClown, you’re lacking patience. Perhaps within the last years the course of the road has changed at little. - However, if I did not know the terrain so well I would assume that we are on Ben Hiant.”
“Ben Hiant, Sir?”
“An old volcano, McClown. Those who plunge down into its crater never see daylight again.”
Suddenly lord and butler came to a shocked standstill and looked at each other in the darkness. Then the wheelchair toppled over and with a loud shriek the two of them followed. A soft “Yarooh!” could be heard from one of the suitcases, then silence fell. It took some time until out of the dark came a furious voice:
“Like the back of your hand, Sir? Like the back of your hand? Was that your wording?”
“We all make mistakes! Stop kicking me, McClown, it is rude to kick old people.”
The butler tried to calm down and to think clearly. They had crashed down, so first of all damages and injuries had to be checked. After groping around for a while he found the suitcase with the hamsters and ascertained that they all were well. Then he helped up Lord McShredder.
“Where might we be?” he wondered.
“We are inside the Ben Hiant volcano”, His Lordship crowed. “I know this like the back… What I mean is: I’m quite certain.”
“Then we are lost”, the butler mumbled and sat down on the cold ground. He turned things over in his mind for quite a while, then he stood up again and began to sniff at the rocks.
“McClown, you must be stark raving mad!”
“No, Sir, I’m looking for fumaroles.”
“I’m sitting here in the cold and you can think of nothing but your dinner?”
“Sir, fumaroles are openings through which volcanic gases come to the surface. I read that in a book. My idea is as follows, Sir: If we fire such a gas source it will be seen widely perhaps. Somebody will find us. In the darkness even a single match can be seen over long distances, so we have to hurry.”
Milord got out his pipe, cleaned it out laboriously, filled it again and lit it. He listened to the wailing squeaking of the hamsters who were hungry again. Now his butler made a find.
“Gas, decidedly gas”, he exclaimed, ran to the trunks and ransacked them. He searched his pocket trousers, then the suitcases again and gave up.
“We left the matches on board, Sir.” He looked at Lord McShredder hopefully. “Or have you got the matches, Sir.”
“No, McClown, I do not have any matches.”
This answer made the butler desperate. He began to search the ground, lifted stones, knocked and grinded them and gave up in frustration.
“If we at least had flint stones, Sir, then we could strike a spark and ignite the gas.”
His Lordship gave a sympathetic nod and sucked at his pipe. There was deep silence now, interrupted by the scratching of the hamsters who looked for nourishment. About half an hour later a croaking voice said:
“I don’t know anything about these formulas or what’s their name, McClown, but might we take my lighter? Eh, McClown, why are you bumping your head against the rocks?”
When the butler had calmed down he searched the wall a second time. The he fetched an old newspaper from one of the suitcases, crumpled it and pondered.
“Sir, it will be better if you and the hamsters hide in the back part of the cave. It might get quite hot.”
As matter of fact the funnel of the volcano looked like a round cave. It was like sitting in an upside down bucket with an upside opening. Now and then a blinking star could be seen. Obviously a wind had sprung up and drifted away the clouds. But at one spot there was a big niche in the wall and the hamsters had made themselves comfortable there already.
McClown took a look at the wheelchair. Luckily it was only scratched and not broken. Cautiously the butler took the hamsters and placed them into their overnight trunk. Then he put the suitcases back onto the wheelchair, pushed it into the niche and went back to the crumpled newspaper. He lit it with the lighter, laid it down where the gas was coming out of the rocks and hastily retreated into the niche to sit down beside His Lordship. Anxiously they watched the flames rising. With a hiss the gas ignited and the cave became as bright as daylight. It was a fantastic sight and the butler’s plan seemed to work when something happened none of them had expected. Another hiss and a second fire column shot out of the wall, a third and fourth one until the whole cave was aflame
“Quite hot, McClown?” sounded the frightened voice of milord.
“We will be boiled like porridge!”
“Sir, there are more fumaroles than I expected. We have to get out here!”
Desperately the butler banged his fists against the wall behind him. That wall sounded hollow and seemed not to be very thick. Even McShredder heard this and helped the butler to kick and hit the wall. The air became hotter and thinner, chunks of stone came down from the edge of the volcano. Milord and his butler were sweating and gasping and desperately worked at the wall. Then suddenly it gave way and a black hole was yawning at them. McClown took His Lordship and shoved him onto the suitcases. Then he gave the wheelchair a kick and jumped into the darkness. Behind him he heard the roaring of the flames and the collapsing of the volcano. And that was the last thing he heard..
Chapter 12
MacLean’s Nose
“McClown, where have you left my lighter?”
The voice seemed to come from somewhere far off. Slowly the butler opened his eyes and sat up. His head ached and he felt like choking. He coughed and panted. Then he saw Lord McShredder and the wheelchair with the suitcases. To his joy the hamsters peered out of one of them. Their whiskers quivered and they certainly were hungry still. But why was it so bright? Where milord was sitting was a passage leading steeply downward. The butler turned and got a shock. Nearby a fire was roaring which seemed to burn down the volcano. Just at the spot where they had been a moment ago! And something else… His trousers! His trousers were burning! Frido McClown jumped up and tried to put out the flames at his bum.
“McClown, stop your silly hopping. I put a question to you!”
The butler gripped into his singed trouser pocket, got out the lighter and threw it at His Lordship. McShredder gave a loud shriek, tumbled backwards and disappeared in the dark passage. Appalled, McClown stared down and listened. There was wailing and rumbling and cries for help. By and by the noise died down and nothing but the hissing of the fire was audible. Some of the hamsters had left their trunk and looked down the dark passage curiously.
“Well, my dear little friends”, the butler addressed the hamsters, “Lord McShredder just went ahead to explore this passage. It seems to be rather steep, so we must be very cautious.”
Cheerfully, the little rodents scrambled back into the trunk. “Hold fast”, Goldi bawled, “roller coaster ahead!” It was about time for from the site of the fire a trickle of molten rock was flowing towards them.
“Hold fast!” also the butler cried and jumped onto the wheelchair. Then hamsters and butler darted through a narrow cave with their vehicle. Now and then they bumped against the walls, sparks flashed, McClown yelled, and the hamsters cheered. The wheelchair raced down, took a long bend to the left and a sharp bend to the right. All of a sudden the passage went straight upward, then it was silent, no rumpling - they seemed to fly.
“Hold fast” McClown shouted again, then the wheelchair came down with a crash and shot through the darkness. The cheers of the delighted hamsters suddenly became louder and McClown saw the reason for it when he turned round. They had lost one of the wheels which now left a spark spraying trace.
“You little blockheads”, the butler scolded, “that isn’t funny! We’ll all be done!”
It would have been better if Frido McClown had looked ahead. Flecki saw the danger, waggled her paw and pointed at something they were approaching quickly.
“No way”, the butler told her, “you’ll get nothing to eat, begging won’t help you, you little…”
McClown got no further. A hanging dripstone, also called stalactite, hit his head so that he collapsed on one of the suitcases. Big-eyed, the hamsters watched how he lifted his head with a moan. He had been lucky, very lucky indeed for his head had landed softly in the dirty underwear. Then Tuffy began to roar with laughter and pointed at the butler. He did not understand anything. His head ached and whirled and he saw sniggering hamsters. Then he noted some curious, disgusting smell and almost was sick. He felt his head and found a big goose egg. The hamsters rolled on the floor laughing and Frido McClown felt his head from the back to the forehead. There was some cloth and he took it off. Dimly he recognised the stinking pants of Lord McShredder, quickly turned and vomited into the direction they were going. This was very stupid indeed because the strong airstream brought all of it back into his face. Disgustedly, he threw away the pukey pants and held to the wheelchair as another sharp bend was coming. There was a bang, a lot of dust, hamsters, trunks, and butler sailed through the air. A loud crash, then the wild journey was over.
“There you are at last, McClown”, a croaking voice came out of the dark. “Do fetch a candle from the luggage, will you?”
A few minutes later they were sitting together in the light of a candle and checked their situation. The passage had opened to a small hall. They had nothing to eat but enough to drink for the dripping water had formed a small lake. Close to the spot where they were sitting the passage led on. But the wheel chair was damaged which meant that they had to carry the luggage. None of them had the faintest idea how far it was to the surface. If they would see daylight again at all. Suddenly the butler lifted his head and listened.
“Sir, I can hear a noise from the direction we came. We’ll be saved.”
He ran back to the passage and called out. Nobody answered but the noise grew louder. Even Lord McShredder could hear it now.
“Come here”, McClown roared. “We are here!”
“Somehow this noise reminds me of something”, His Lordship crowed. “I just can’t remember…”
The butler shouted and shouted, the noise grew louder and louder. The hamsters had hidden again in their suitcase as if they knew that the next disaster was on the way. Then there was a loud bang, and cry of pain, a gurgle - and silence.
“Oh, I just remembered, McClown. That sounded like a wheel of my wheelchair. It’s good that the two of them are together again, isn’t it?”
More than an hour later the wheel was fastened at the wheelchair and the journey could be continued. McClown felt better and could breath freely again after the lost wheel had hit his stomach full power. They were all glad that the passage was sloping only slightly now so that they could proceed without danger.
“Where do they take us now?” Flecki grumped and glanced at the mayor. But he said nothing. He had not said anything for quite some time. Since he had hit the phone box he no longer knew what really was on. Now and then somebody had addressed him as “enlightened one”, but he had no idea why they did so. When Flecki now looked at him he had the impression that he should make some statement.
“Well, er”, he uncertainly began. “Regarding the given facts according to the known results I can decidedly answer this question to the effect that the circumstances should not be neglected. This is an unalterable fact which I pointed out several times. Furthermore…”
“Hooray!” Flecki cried and nudged Goldi. “He is himself again!”
By and by all the hamsters realized this and were so excited that they did not see how bright it became all about them.
“Fine, fine, my dear McClown. We reached MacLean’s Nose. I know the surroundings like the back of my hand!”
Chapter 13
The Kitchen is Closed
Our friends proceeded on their eastern road. The sun was up by now, even the butler was whistling a merry tune. They were on a narrow road, bordered to their left and right by a low wall.
“You know, McClown, it’s a pity that we did not see Mingary Castle. An impressing building. Ah, you see the big red rock there? That’s Cladh Chiarain, St. Chiarain lies buried here.”
“O Sir, did this happen lately? There was nothing in the newspapers.”
“Well, McClown, it happened in the year 549. Perhaps you should educate yourself a little in Glenmore, there’s a museum for natural history. By the way, we will be there in a few minutes.”
They took a short rest at the monument. The butler crumbled a dry toast and gave it to the hamsters. Except for a little brawl the animals shared the crumbs peacefully and drew back into the suitcase for their beauty sleep. His Lordship had by now scrutinized his surroundings and decided to take the road to the left as this was to be the shortest way to town. Some hours later they were in the middle of a forest.
“Sir, may it be that we are inland again?”
His Lordship did not answer but looked at some mushrooms. The lane they had followed had become narrower within the last minutes and ended now. Cautiously McClown pushed the wheelchair over swampy ground. To the right and left there were some small lakes. With difficulty they crossed a tiny river and soon left the forest behind them.
“Charming forest, Sir, a few minutes feel like several hours in there.”
His Lordship still did not answer but looked straight ahead. They passed a most beautiful landscape but both did not really feel any delight in it. Ahead of them lay a pathless, rocky area. At least the wheelchair did not stick in the mud so that they proceeded a little faster. At some time they had a view on the sea from a mound. Hours later some houses came into sight.
“Sir, a place-name sign - something with a G…”
“Glenmore, my dear McClown, Glenmore. As I said, it cannot be far. Do trust an old scout!”
A few minutes later they were standing in front of the sign.
“That’s Gortenfern, Sir Scout. Perhaps we should buy a map?”
“Don’t talk rubbish, McClown. We should look for some accommodation.”
His Lordship was right because the sun was now setting. With tired steps they approached an inn. The butler took the trunk with the hamsters, opened the door and gave Lord McShredder the advantage. The inn was empty and they sat down at the next table.
“Welcome at McPhee’s, gentlemen”, came a deep voice. An old man came shuffling in. His long beard gave him quite a wild look and his eyes flashed at them with curiosity. He took a chair and pushed it to the table. He sat down with ceremony and said: “Welcome to Gortenfern, this meaning as much as much as ‘field of ears’.”
“We would like to have some dinner”, the butler said.
“Certainly”, Mr. McPhee replied. “I’m sure you’re coming from Kilmory, don’t you? Kilmory means kirk of Saint Mary’s, by the way. Interesting, isn’t it?”
“No, Sir”, McClown retorted, “we’re coming from Killichonan and are starving.”
“But that’s most interesting!” McPhee replied and excitedly scratched his head. “It sounds almost like Kilchoan, don’t you think so? By the way, Kilchoan means something like kirk of St. Congan.”
“Sir, since our landing in Sanna Bay we have hardly eaten anything and really would like to…”
“Sanna Bay?” McPhee interrupted him. “Sanna means sandy, did you know that? Here in Gortenfern we have even the singing sand. That’s interesting, isn’t it?”
“Certainly, Sir, but first of all we would like to eat something and…”
“Have you already been to Ockle or Swordle?”
“No, Sir, we would like to get something to eat!”
The butler had spoken up now. In the background the hamsters were squeaking hungrily. Even His Lordship fidgeted in his chair.
“Well, Ockle means ‘high’ and Swordle means ‘field of grass’…”
“Dinner, dinner! We want something to eat!” McClown bawled at the landlord.
“Just a minute, Sir”, this worthy replied. “Do you know the meaning of Acharacle? Actually it is Ath Tharachail and means…”
Mr. McPhee got no further for Frido McClown swooped down on him. Together with the chair they rumbled backward. The butler held to the landlord’s beard and roared at him that they wanted to have their dinner.
“Dinner”, McPhee groaned and tried to get free. “There is not dinner today. The kitchen is closed on Wednesdays.”
Butler and lord looked at each other. The hamsters who a moment ago had whooped McClown cheeringly, fell silent. The landlord’s words were hanging in the room like lead. Silence in the small inn. A fly was buzzing in lonely circles. Very slowly Frido McClown stood up. His temples puckered and his stomach rumbled. He looked at the counter. Some glasses were neatly arranged there. In front of the counter stood some bar stools in line. Behind the counter was a cabinet full of bottles. Beside this he saw a door with the label “Kitchen”. The letters danced in front of his eyes and he had the feeling that the letter ‘K’ grinned at him jeeringly. With a yell the butler raced to the counter, took the next stool and blew upon the label.
“I will wipe the smirk off our face”, he shouted and continued to thrash the label. The door showed first cracks when the stool broke. Furiously, McClown fetched the next stool. He was already on his way to door when his glance fell on the glasses.
“I’ll show you what it means to smirk at Frido McClown”, he panted and with one well aimed move swept down all the glasses from the counter. Then he fell on the door again.
“How long is your butler employed?” Mr. McPhee asked His Lordship.
“Annoyed? No, I’m not annoyed”, McShredder answered. “McClown behaves a little boorish now and then but in general he is a nice chap.”
By now the nice chap had made chop-wood of the kitchen door and stood in the door frame, panting. With a flickering look in his eyes he whispered: “Sir, the kitchen is open…”
Chapter 14
The Singing Sands of Gortenfern
“That was an expensive dinner, my dear McClown”, His Lordship said and counted his money. “It certainly was not wrong to refrain from staying overnight with this McPhee. I don’t know what might have happened there.”
The butler did not answer but pushed the wheelchair along the bumpy road. He did not feel like talking, his belly was much too full for that. Marvellous, how a man could stuff himself in such a short space of time! And the hamsters! From one of the suitcases noises of their digestion sounded through the night. Now they all had to find a tolerable spot for the night - the beach it should be. So before they reached a grove, they turned left and down to the shore. They found a spot to their liking and arranged themselves as best as they could. As Gortenfern is situated deep in a bay they were quite safe from stormy weather.
“My dear McClown”, milord said and slowly turned to his butler, “it would not be a bad idea if your little, er, friends spend the night in some distance. We’d like to have a quiet night, wouldn’t we?”
McClown sighed and put down the hamster-trunk in a little distance. From another trunk he fetched some towels which were to serve as bed covers. For a long time he looked up to the stars, while milord was already snoring. Finally also he fell asleep.
“That can’t be true”, Flecki grumped. “Nothing on tonight? How do they think we can have a party here?”
“We might build a sandcastle and destroy it again”, Goldi proposed.
“The sand is much too fine here, you even cannot dig tunnels”, chief Botchy complaint.
“Perhaps the enlightened one has an idea?” Tuffy hopefully asked.
The mayor looked helpless. Why in the world should he have any idea? It was his job to hold speeches - not to have ideas. But to be addressed as an enlightened one did flatter him indeed.
“Well, it is an undenied fact that now and here and anyhow we are in a situation which asks for strategic action and decisiveness. These are the facts, dear hamster-friends! Only by a corporate individual initiative which not only should but has to - I repeat has to proceed not only from every single one a situation can be mastered in a way…”
The mayor interrupted his impressive speech. His hackles were up. The other hamsters had heard it, too. There was some sound. A sound which made their fur stand on the ends. The night was pitch dark and somewhere someone was singing. It was no merry song, it sounded consistent and doleful and seemed to come from all sides.
“Come on, do something, Mayor, act strategically”, Goldi shouted.
The mayor only goggled with big round eyes. Anxiously he blew up his cheeks and began to tremble.
“There!” Tuffy exclaimed. “He will be enlightened in a moment!”
Flecki just wanted to remark that probably he was just shitted when the mayor shouted:
“Cinap, safe yourselves!” Immediately all the hamsters started a carefully considered rescue operation which had stood to test in many dangers: the ran in circles and yelled. After half an hour of circling and yelling “Pleh!” they exhaustedly collapsed in the sand. The spooky singing had not stopped! The poor little animals were much too tired to run away and so they tried to burrow themselves in the sand. But this did not really work.
“Perhaps we should just surrender”, Dodo wailed.
“Or make a deal”, Flecki proposed. “Come on, Mayor, go and make a deal!”
By now the mayor was tinged green with fear when Goldi kicked him forward. There he was and his hamster-friends were most interested how the enlightened one was to master this situation.
“Er, wodget, er, widget, er, dear widget, we all know a sotulation, er, situation to be misted, er, mastered by thingumbob. What I mean is dingusdeal. If you see what my bean would say, er, I mean to repress, er, express.”
After this strong speech the mayor quickly turned round and hid behind the group of the hamsters.
“Wonderful, really touching”, Flecki sneered. “I’m certain we are quite safe now.”
“Perhaps the kind butler may help us?” Tuffy wondered and pointed at the sleeping Frido McClown. Her friends nodded delightedly. Certainly there was some room under the kind butler’s blanket for a few frightened little hamsters.
Shouting "Yarroh!"1 they ran to him.
Chapter 15
Kentra Bay
“McClown, see that you get a fire going! I’m cold!”
The sun had just risen, it promised to be a beautiful day. Might have been, the butler thought, slowly opening his eyes. It was cosily warm under the towel, much too cuddly to get up. Slowly he turned and to his surprise heard some shocked squeaking. He turned to the other side - another shocked squeaking. Very cautiously he lifted the towel and behold: the hamsters squinted at him sleepily
“Ha, McClown”, His Lordship laughed. “Singing beach. This McPhee told us a lot of fustian. I slept very well. Who might believe such nonsense?”
“Well, Sir, I think I know someone”, McClown answered and pointed at the hamsters.
“McClown, you don’t think there are animals who are afraid of such rubbish?”
“Well, Sir, I think there are such animals indeed.”
The butler covered the shivering animals and began to look for firewood. He did not have to go far for the close by forest offered enough for a good campfire. It did not take long until men and beast were sitting at the warm fire. However, there was no breakfast and so they set off soon. Following a narrow foot path, they reached the small town on Arivegaig. It took them only one look to discover that here would be no breakfast. So they walked on disappointedly. Within the last two hours the sun had shone upon the small group. By now they had reached a broader road and were approaching a bridge.
“Sir, do look! Isn’t this a beautiful view?” “McClown, my stomach has no eyes for that! Look, over there is an inn.”
They passed the bridge and reached the “Shiel Bridge Inn”. The butler pushed the wheelchair with the suitcases into a corner beside the counter and with Lord McShredder sat down at a window. When their breakfast arrived he put a part of it onto a small plate and set it down beside the hamsters’ trunk who immediately fell on it hungrily. Then McClown returned to His Lordship and enjoyed his meal.
“What sort of muck is that?” Flecki leerily asked and eyed the food which the butler had brought them.
“Porridge with baked beans”, Goldi replied, his mouth full. “It’s simply great!”
Chief Botchy had left the trunk together with Dodo and Topple and took a bite, when suddenly they froze.
“A c-c-ca…!”
He did not get further and there was no need for his friends all realized the danger. Slowly a big black cat approached them. Tuffy and Taty were the last ones to scramble back into the trunk. They were safe now but as the lid was not completely closed they could watch how the cat jumped onto the wheelchair. With pounding hearts and in helpless rage they had to watch how their breakfast vanished in no time.
“You son of a bitch of a cat, I’ll tie you into knots!” Goldi shouted and wanted to go at the cat but Flecki and the mayor held him back.
“We can’t do it that way, silly, we need a plan”, she scolded.
“Fine”, Goldi hissed, “I’ll kick the brute according to plan, she nicked our breakfast! If only I had a rocket…”
“We should fall back to our own individual strength. As in the past I often enough stressed…”
“Oh?” Flecki interrupted him. “What kind of strength would that be?”
When the mayor did not come up with anything, the hamsters held counsel. As usual, the outcome was nothing to talk of. Only Dodo and Botchy were of the opinion that the enemy had only one weak point: water. But how were the hamsters to find water? Tuffy and Taty excitedly said that when entering the inn they had seen several bottles on the counter.
“That’s a superhamster case”, Dodo stated. Suddenly Goldi did no longer feel all the thing. Embarrassed, he sorted his whiskers and stared at the big black cat who had taken seat on one of the other trunks.
“Superhamster, superhamster, superhamster!” the others chorused, while Goldi felt hotter and hotter under his fur.
“Well, do show us that you can do more useful things than munching”, Flecki mocked and the others started their "superhamster"-chorus again.
Goldi scrambled to the edge of the suitcase and peered out. Then he turned round and just wanted to explain that superhamster was going to resign when he slid from the edge and tumbled down with a shrill squeak.
”What a hero!” Taty exclaimed. All hamsters watched big-eyed. Even the cat was irritated for a moment and hesitated but then she attacked. That short moment of irritation Goldi had used to escape onto the counter. It was slippery there and he had difficulties to keep his balance. With a mighty jump the cat followed, landed in front of him, but slipped, passed him like a missile down the counter right into the whisky bottles. There was a lot of clinking, then the cat lay in a whisky puddle..
“Olé!” it sounded from the suitcase. Infuriated, the cat took a new run-up, but Goldi dodged way, and she again slithered over the counter, while another “Olé!” came from the suitcase. This time she banged into a bottle of cider which burst to pieces. The background hamsters gave another cheerful “Olé!” With trembling whiskers Goldi waited for the next attack, but his enemy seemed to be a little giddy. The confidence of victory had given way to irritation, added by first signs of drunkenness. However, the hunting instinct was still alive and the cat made for her prey with a hiss. The prey, however, had no mind to be caught and fled through an open flap into the kitchen.
“Superhamster, get her down!” it sounded from the trunk, while loud clattering in the kitchen announced the arrival of the cat. Goldi had reached the back edge of a bucket with liquid soap and saw some big, black monster flying towards him. He was paralyzed with shock, but the jump was too short, there was a splash and bucket with attacker toppled over. While the little hamster escaped to the sink, behind him was an enemy who now faced a new problem and hardly could stand on his legs. Blind with rage, the cat watched the hamster climbing up a towel. Followed a big jump, Goldi squeaked and saw how right beside him the cat banged her head at the tiled wall and fell down into the sink unconsciously.
“Off the mark, off the mark, the cat’s always off the mark!” Goldi sang and saw himself as the victor. Then he lifted his head an sniffed. A nice smell, a very nice smell indeed. He ran to the stove and took a look. The nice smell came from several pots. The hamster jumped onto a small pot and onto the edge of a bigger one. This was the fulfilment of all his dreams: one big pot full of vegetables for him alone! Greedily he shovelled one paw after the other into his mouth when suddenly it got dark above him. In the next instant the cat passed him closely and landed in the hot vegetable broth. Frightened, Goldi jumped down, scrambled over the sink and fled through the flap. Then he saw that he got back into the trunk where his friends welcomed him with cheers. Lord McShredder and his butler had noticed the noise in the adjoining kitchen. They of course had no idea that the hamsters had anything to do with it. His Lordship paid the bill, while McClown pushed the wheelchair with the suitcases towards the door of the inn. While he waited at the door, McShredder discovered something. A big, black cat was lying in the corner with glassy eyes, licking her dirty fur. Milord shook his head and called the landlord:
“Landlord, you really should allow this poor cat some fresh air and a little bit action, you know!” Then he followed his butler and they continued their journey..
Chapter 16
Calum Cille
They had already walked for several hours on their eastbound road when they reached the village of Dalelia. Beside a few small houses the village had nothing to offer, so they walked on disappointedly. The sun stood towards noon and they all longed for a rest when suddenly the path ended.
Lord and butler helplessly stood at the banks of a lake und looked into the water. “This will be Loch Shiel, Sir.”
“McClown, you have been too long in the sun! I don’t see any locked wheel. See that you get us a boat.”
The butler only shrugged. Close by was a small landing stage. He stepped onto it cautiously and looked over the water. In the distance of a few hundred metres he could see the other bank. It looks quite within our grasp, he thought and looked for something they might use for crossing the water. There was nowhere any wood and McClown had to walk far to find two thin trees. Two hours later he was back and exhausted.
“Fine, McClown, now we’ve got the oars. So only a boat with a cabin are missing.”
“Well, Sir”, the butler bashfully replied, “that is all we will get. We could fasten the trees to the wheelchair as floaters. You and the hamsters jump in and I’ll push you.”
“Perfect, McClown”, milord exclaimed. “If I ever can lay my hand on some money, you’ll get the wages for the last ten years! Go on, what are you waiting for?”
It did not take long to fasten the tree trunks to the wheelchair and the curious vessel was ready. Their journey could start. The hamsters were sitting on their suitcase, prying, for they wanted to enjoy a journey with a catamaran on deck, of course. Flecki had ransacked the suitcases and found socks. She had cut off the tips and distributed them so that each hamster had a modish sun hat. Lord McShredder sat on his suitcases more or less comfortably and watched the opposite bank while his butler pushed the vessel into the cold water.
“Go on, McClown, you lucky sod”, His Lordship crowed. “If I were a little younger, I’d also like to take a swim.”
The answer to this was nothing but a growl for the lucky sod had some difficulties to keep his head over water while he was pushing the vehicle. Against expectations they reached the shore without problems - apart from the fact that McClown had to swallow a lot of water.
“I don’t know why you are complaining, McClown. This is clear, healthy water!” The butler did not answer but began to unfasten the two tree trunks from the wheels. The hamsters looked about them curiously and immediately noticed that it was very green. Certainly they would find something to eat here. In the meantime McShredder had walked ahead and was standing in front of several peculiar stones. They had the form of crosses. In the distance a small house with a small tower could be seen.
“Seems to be a chapel, Sir”, the butler remarked.
“Seems to be, McClown.”
“Perhaps this is a cemetery”, McClown added.
“Eh? A lemon tree? Balderdash. It’s a cemetery. Look at all the stone crosses.”
Silently they approached the chapel. They paused in front of a wooden sign with a faded inscription. The butler stepped to the sign and read aloud:
“Chapel of Eilean Fhianain. The oldest chapel with the oldest cemetery of Great Britain. Here Calum Cille was. Still today many people make a pilgrimage to his grave.”
“McClown, do you know what Eilean means?”
“Certainly, Sir, it’s the word for island.” “Well, McClown, and what catches your eye if you look about you?”
“Sir, I can see the old chapel, many rocks, old crosses and water all around us.”
“Water, McClown?”
“Yes, Sir, water. Er… wa… wa… Why water? Sir, we are on an island!“
“Very smart, McClown, and that’s the meaning of the word eilean.”
Helplessly, the butler sat down on a rock and buried his head in his hands. They had landed on an island! His next thoughts wandered to the hamsters and he walked over to the wheelchair. When he reached it he saw his little friends lying cosily at the stony bank in the sun. Far off the two trees were drifting in the water. McClown yelled furiously and stamped with his feet. How were they to leave the island? The hamsters were quite startled when he ranted and raged along the waterline and threw stones at the drifting timber. Finally he calmed down, collected all hamsters and put them back into the suitcase. Then he pushed the wheelchair over the uneven ground to the chapel where His Lordship was sitting on a bench and smoking his pipe.
“I’ll tell you something, my dear McClown. Here, close to the history of St. Calum Cille we will take a rest. The chapel roof will protect us from wind and possibly rain.”
“Sir, who or what is St. Calum Cille?”
“McClown, you don’t know Calum Cille?!”
Lord McShredder sucked at his pipe and pensively looked at a stone cross.
“Calum Cille was also called St. Columba or kind Calum Cille. He is the most famous Celtic saint. As an Irish missionary he reached the heathen Scotland via the Ardnamurchan peninsula. To this day, my dear McClown, he is worshipped in the Highlands. The Thursday of the second week in June is named after him and all Thursdays - traditionally known as Calum Cille’s day - are looked upon as lucky days. Look about you, McClown. An ancient Celtic bronze bell is hanging there. Do you see the gravestones over there? The big Celtic cross might have seen the saint.”
Awed, the butler looked at the ancient relicts. Then his glance fell on His Lordship again whose pipe had fallen to the ground. He had fallen asleep in the warmth of the sun. McClown looked at his little hamster-friends but they also were sleeping and snoring. So he decided to take a nap, too, and had fallen soundly asleep after a few moments.
Chapter 17
McDudle
The sun was already setting when Frido McClown was awakened by loud noises. Frightened, he jumped up and saw a man approaching them. Now he could see what made the loud noises. In his left hand the man held a long stick by which he supported himself. Beside the stick his scrubby appearance was noteworthy. The butler threw a quick glance to the hamsters. He was relieved to see their curious noses peeping out of the suitcase. By now the man had come closer and seen the butler. His hand went up and he adjusted his dark, dirty hat. If only His Lordship would wake up, the butler thought, for he felt this to be a bit fishy. A peculiar, ragged man on a lonely graveyard on a lonely island! For sure he was the ghost of one of those buried here! The butler noticed that he was not able to retreat further because a big stone cross was right behind him. Well, at least I can’t fall over in shock, he thought.
“I’ve seen no boat, how did you get here? Or did the ghosts take you over?”
The man had a voice which was quite pleasant for a ghost.
“W-we came by wheelchair”, the butler replied truthfully.
“Finnegan McDudle”, the man said and held out his hand. “I’m the keeper of the graveyard. You know, I often come over to take a look. And today - well, my wife - you know, my friend, her chatty neighbour dropped in again. Well, so I thought, Finnegan, I thought, just go and take a look at the graveyard. And what’s your name, my friend?”
“F-Frido McClown and that is Lord McShredder who…”
“Fine, my dear Frido”, McDudle continued. “Well, you know how it is when they dames are sitting over a cup o’ tea. They’re slagging off everyone, and you know who in particular? Me, of course! Well, so I thought, Finnegan, I thought, see that you’re off. So I told them I had work to do. Say, what was your name?”
“Frido McClown.”
“Frido, right. How could I forget that? Well, so I took the boat and set off. Of course I did not go to Polloch. Finnegan McDudle isn’t daft, you know. No, I came here! To fox them! Had I gone to Polloch, the dames would have noticed it! My, they would have something to gossip then! Well, my dear… Say, what was your name?”
“Frido McClown”, the butler replied, a little irritated.
“Well, my dear Frido, there’s a snug little pub in Polloch and I wanted, well, you know, spent a few golden hours. That’s better than to listen to all that hue and cry and gossip at home. Why, you need to be clever, and so I made a little detour to this island and then, my dear… Er, what was your name?”
“Still McClown”, the butler groaned. “Well then, my dear McClown, I’ll row over to Polloch. Quite a way but I’ll have tailwind, you know. But one thing you don’t know. The return will be even faster as there is no wind at all during the night. Only the current! I’ll be home in no time. Well, and in Polloch I’ll broach a cask. Eat me! Do you know what my wife always says, me dear - er, what was your name?”
“Finnegan McDudle”, the butler replied unperturbed.
“Right, my dear Finnegan, she always says, Finnegan, she says, one day you’ll have drowned your brain in whisky. She has no idea! A little whisky does me no harm. But when I’m back home all the gossips are gone and I have my peace. But I’ve talked enough. Now do tell me who you are and what’s the name of that friend of yours over there.”
Frido McClown gave an audible groan. His glance fell on the suitcase with the hamsters who curiously looked out and seemed to feel very amused. Then he walked over to His Lordship, patted his shoulder and shouted:
“Sir, we have a visitor!” The so addressed lord slowly opened his eyes, stretched and gave the newcomer a bewildered glance.
“McClown, what about a nice cup of tea for me and our guest?”
“Sir, we have no tea.”
“No tea, what a pity”, His Lordship sighed and walked up to McDudle.
“My name is Lord McShredder of Killichonan, conqueror of the Loch Ness monster and Duke of Spain. With whom do I have to honour?”
“Dudle, Sir, Finnegan McDudle.”
“How do you dare to call me a noodle?” milord crowed.
“But that is his name, Sir”, the butler tried to explain.
“His name is Noodle, McClown? Very curious.”
“Not Noodle, Sir, but McDudle.”
“I see!”
Slowly His Lordship understood and turned to the graveyard keeper.
“Are you able to bring us away from this island, Mr. Dudle?”
McDudle grinned. “No problem, Sir, I’m going to Polloch. High time for me to take a little something, if you know what I mean.”
“The man is right, McClown. We will accompany him and also take a little something.”
“Sir, I don’t want any whisky…”
“Whisky? McClown, what’s the matter with you? Follow the example of this polite and intelligent man! And now stow our luggage in the boat!”
Half an hour later they all were sitting in Finnegan McDudle’s boat and left the island behind them.
Chapter 18
Polloch
As announced by Finnegan McDudle the boat was driven quickly by the wind.
“Over there to the left is the island of Camas Drollaman”, McDudle shouted and stopped rowing for a moment. “Now the wind will send us directly to Ceanna Garbh. Only two miles to walk from there to Polloch.”
“My good man”, His Lordship said, “are you telling me that we have to walk?”
“Would be better, Sir, er, what was your name?”
“Lord McShredder of Killichonan, conqueror of the Loch Ness Monster and Duke of Spain, my good man.”
“Well, Mr. Lord, my wife always says, well, Finnegan, she says, Finnegan, you’ve got to get some exercise. She’s fat like an old quail herself, if you know what I mean.”
He winked and grinned while Lord McShredder goggled at him.
“Er… so you get some extra ice - that’s most interesting”, he cautiously said. “But what has a rat with a cold tail to do with it?”
“Well, I do not really know, Mr. … er, what was your name?”
“Lord McShredder of Killichonan, conqueror of the Loch Ness Monster and Duke of Spain, my good man.”
“Well, Mr. Ness, so we have to walk. I won’t get the boat over the sandbanks. Well, my wife, who talks a lot, you know, always says, Finnegan, she says, we have to get more exercise. Well, and therefore I’m always on the move. Always to Polloch and back.”
His Lordship did not understand and shook his head.
“You dragged a toad over a clamp crank while your wife walks a lot? My good man, what are you talking about?”
“Er - no idea, how should I know, Mr. … what did you say was your name?”
“Lord McShredder of Killichonan, Mister.”
“Right”, Finnegan McDudle nodded. “But I think you said so already. Well, in Polloch I’ll broach a cask and you will be my guests, if you know what I mean, Mr. Killichonan.”
“Lord McShredder, Mister!” His Lordship roared furiously.
“O no, Sir, you’re mixing something up there. My name is Finnegan McDudle. I know that for certain because I have a very good memory for names. You know, Finnegan, my wife always says…”
There was a loud crash when suddenly the boat ran onto ground. McClown, who had been at the stern, fell onto the wheelchair. The wheelchair fell onto His Lordship and His Lordship fell onto McDudle. It took them some time to understand that they had arrived.
“Ceanna Gharb is this headland named. My wife always says…”
“Shut up, McDudle!” McShredder roared.
When Finnegan McDudle had dragged the boat ashore, the butler looked after the hamsters. Luckily they were well. Only one of them looked a little green around the nose and obviously had been seasick. However, the others curiously watched McClown getting the wheelchair ashore, then they all set off for Polloch. Silently they walked along a broad footpath until they approached a sign post.
“Here we are”, the graveyard keeper said. “Over there. By the by, way down there you’ll come to the old strontium mines. Did you know that? Strontium, er, Finnegan, my wife always says…”
“Shut up, McDudle!” both milord and his butler shouted.
A few steps to go and they were in the town centre.
“This is Polloch?” His Lordship asked in a baffled voice. “Two houses and a barn? Where are we to get something to eat here, McDudle?”
“O well”, Finnegan McDudle sniggered, “my pal McMoonshine has brewed up something, if you know what I mean, Mr. Shed.”
“McShredder”, milord corrected him. “Well, there is nothing to say against home made lunch, is there, McClown?”
He looked at his butler. “Sir”, the butler cautiously said, “if I understand this correctly, the McMoonshine pal will offer us no lunch.”
“Won’t he?” McShredded retorted. “But he invited us to lunch, didn’t you, McDudle?”
“Lunch, Mr. Shed? No, I said I’ll broach a cask, you know. However, my wife always says…”
“McClown, we’ll take our leave!”
Infuriated, milord turned and hastily walked into the opposite direction.
“Interesting, Sir, isn’t it?” the butler said when they passed the beautiful Loch Doilet.
“The name of the graveyard keeper’s pal, McMoonshine. You know, Sir, in former times the people who bootlegged were named “Moonshine-men.”
Chapter 19
Campfire
Their situation was all but happy. A few minutes ago they had been very glad to reach Kinlochan. However, when arriving there they discovered to their disappointment that there was as much as in the village of Polloch: nothing. No pub, no shop to buy supplies, nothing at all. At least they now possessed a few potatoes which the butler had got from a farmer.
"Sir, we should have asked whether we might sleep in the barn!"
"McClown, you don't think that a lord will sleep in a barn with the pigs, do you? No, we will spend the night under the starry sky."
The butler said nothing but silently agreed with His Lordship. He remembered his adventures with the hamsters when they had first landed in Bettyhill and afterwards in a pigsty. No, never again he wanted to sleep in a barn and followed Lord McShredder over a path along a narrow river. When the river bent rightwards, milord paused.
"We'll stay here, McClown. As an old scout I know that such a river is exactly the thing. It gives off the heat which it accumulated during the day. So after I have now taken care of everything you might make yourself useful, McClown. Build up a campfire and prepare the potatoes. I cannot do everything myself!"
Grumbling, McClown set to work while milord sat down and lit his pipe. Beside him in one of the trunks the hamsters were impatiently waiting for their dinner.
"I hope he gets this meal ready", Goldi growled. "The room service leaves something to ask for."
"And now that old crank starts to puff again", Flecki lamented. "I just began to feel better after the silly boat ride."
Dodo and Taty scrambled out of the suitcase, climbed down the wheelchair and looked about them. Nothing interesting except grass, trees and rocks was to be seen. A bramble-bush invited them to have a little snack but a short test showed that the fruits were extremely sour. They at least could nick a potato and scrambled back into the trunk with their prize. Raw potatoes, however, were not overmuch to their liking and so the hamsters sat at the open lid, looked out hungrily and waited for better times.
"If only we were at school", Taty wailed. "There would be something to eat!"
"I even would join the lessons of that daft Mrs. Fabsney",2 Flecki added and explained: "She always has this silly smile on her face and puts such stupid questions."
"But the idea with the glue had been first rate, hadn't it?" Goldi butt in.
"That was quite mean of you", Tuffy said. "However, thanks to you we did not have to write a test. It was really funny when she sat down on the desk and you had smeared it with glue before."
"Ha ha", Flecki now cackled, "when she wanted to get up, she stopped grinning at last. Then she panicked and shouted for the headmaster after she checked it that she was hanging at the desk and couldn't get off."
The hamsters all sniggered delightedly and Flecki continued: "And then she wanted to go to the headmaster and dragged the desk behind her. She got stuck in the door and shrieked like a silly gerbil."
"And then, ha ha", Goldi almost toppled over of laughter, "then the headmaster came and wanted to free her. Pity he also stuck to the glue and couldn't get off."
"But the limit was", Taty laughed, "that we all went home because we thought we now had the day off. Well, at least we informed HAMFI (Hamstertown Fire-Department)."
"You better hadn't", chief Botchy said. "These fools drowned half the school and tore down a load-bearing wall. My repair team and I needed a whole week to repair the damages."
In the meantime His Lordship watched how his butler tried to prepare a meal over the campfire.
"McClown, why don't we have a tent?"
"Well, Sir, the reason might be that none strayed to us up to now", the butler angrily replied and blew his hand which he just now had burnt at a hot stone. The potatoes were between the stones, which he had placed into the fire, for about an hour now.
"Sir, I think the potatoes are done and we could begin…"
Frido McClown stopped and turned around in surprise. Before he had said "to eat" the hamsters came running with light speed and now looked at him with big eyes. Also milord put down his pipe and sat himself closer to the fire. McClown took a clean stick and got one hot potato after the other out of the fire. Then he peeled them with his pocket knife. Some of them he took to the river and cooled them in the water so that the starved hamsters need not wait too long for their meal.
"McClown, I never ate more tasty potatoes in my life!" McShredder had speared a potato with the nosepiece of his pipe and enjoyed his meal.
"By the way, you now should begin to prepare a sleeping place for us."
"Er, Sir, how am I to do that without beds and mattresses?"
"Easy, McClown. Like an old scout. You look for a fitting spot. No tree roots should show and the ground must be dry. Then you clean the ground from stones and pick leaves and twigs. That will be the bolster. The more you pick the softer and cosier you'll sleep, McClown. Now do start, I will mind the campfire in the meantime."
Grumbling, the butler set out, while milord warmed himself at the fire and looked into the flames. The hamsters had eaten their fill, very much so, and some even had difficulties to scramble into the suitcase. Soon the butler had prepared two beds. Lord and butler lay down to sleep and each of them took a towel for cover. Then everything was quiet, except the loud snoring of Lord McShredder..
Chapter 20
Scotstown
After rather a cold night lord and butler woke up feeling completely knocked out. Not only the rustling of their mattresses had disturbed them during the night but also the many tiny insects had irritated them a lot.
"Sir, another night in the wood and I'll quit."
"What sort of rubbish is that, McClown? Your brother is knight Hood and quite fit? - Nonsense! Better prepare tea for us. That will put some life into us."
"Sir, we still do not have any tea, if I…"
"Look about you, McClown, it's blooming and growing all around us! Do you see the blackberry bush over there? Take some of the leaves, make a fire and boil water! Why does nothing function here without me?"
The butler set to work but had a new problem after a few minutes.
"Sir, here are the leaves and there is the fire. How am I to heat the water, Sir? Ha ha, we don't have any pot, in case Your Essentialship failed to notice."
"Stop that saucy grinning, McClown! An old scout knows the means for everything!"
He fished his tobacco box out of his trouser pocket and emptied it into a handkerchief. Then he handed the box to his butler, saying:
"Here it is, McClown!" After a few minutes and after burning his fingers several times, Frido McClown served the tea. While the hamsters refused to try any of this, lord and butler sipped from the tobacco box something smelling like rubbish and tasting like tea.
"Wonderful, McClown", His Lordship exclaimed. "Now we are refreshed and may set off for Scotstown."
"Scotstown, Sir?"
"Scotstown, McClown. Did I never tell you? Well, it is not long ago that I searched for silver and gold. After several failures I came to the river Strontian. There I made a find of some white, silvery metal."
"Silver, Sir?"
"So I thought at first, McClown. Then it showed that it was strontium, not that valuable, but anyhow. I founded the thriving town of Scotstown. It grew and grew, but after a while I was no longer able to pay the costs for energy. So I sold the town and left it. Scotstown is a big, prospering city with many shops and pubs. They certainly still remember me and will welcome us. So we can save the costs for a hotel."
The butler stowed away everything and had some difficulties to get the hamsters, who wanted their breakfast, into the suitcase. One of the animals even bit his finger, so that he ran after it, swearing.
"McClown, stop fooling around with the hamsters! We must be off!" Lord McShredder did not mind his butler's scolding and slowly walked ahead. After a while Frido McClown followed him with the wheelchair and the hamsters.
"Well, I showed him what's what", Goldi boasted. "Did you hear him wailing?"
"No need to cut up that rough", Taty said. "That was as mean as the time you caused all teachers to stay at home with a nervous breakdown."
"Poooh, that was nothing but a little joke", Goldi tried to defend himself.
"Joke?" Flecki said. "They were in the middle of the conference on the certificates and you threw jumping crackers through the window. They got into such a fuddle that they thought it was Easter and they were to search eggs."
"Well, you got grade C in maths because teacher no longer knew exactly who you are", Goldi told her with an innocent look.
"Hush, shut up, the old geezer's talking about meals!" Dodo shouted and they all stared ahead.
"Exactly, McClown, as I said: a prosperous town. Of course we'll fill our bellies there and have some fun. I'll even give you a day off. What do you say?"
The butler did not look very convinced and goggled at the sign saying 'Scotstown'. It was hanging askew and looked quite rotten. The road was so bumpy that he had to take care that the wheelchair did not topple over. Few trees were around and the choppy wind blew dust into the faces of lord and butler. Here and there decayed houses and destroyed huts were standing at the roadside. Neither man nor beast were to be seen. After walking a few minutes in solitude they came to another sign saying 'You are leaving Scotstown now - Good bye'.
"Prosperous town, Sir? Having fun, filling our bellies, Sir?" the butler croaked, took the wheelchair and thrust it towards His Lordship. McShredder turned and with a shriek ran from his wheelchair. Naturally, the hamsters just loved this mad race and forgot their hunger for a while.
"Lots of shops and pubs, Sir?" the butler roared after His fleeing Lordship. "They will welcome you, you said, Sir?"
"McClown", milord panted while he still was running, "I admit that the structure of the town might have changed slightly. But that is not my fault."
"Ha", the butler panted back, "a day off, Sir? All right. And do you know what I'm going to do with my day off? I'll go hunting - monsters!"
Milord shrieked and doubled his efforts to escape when the wheelchair touched him.
"McClown, do listen to reason", His Lordship exhaustedly croaked when they reached a small town. The inhabitants curiously watched what was going on there. The wild chase passed a camping site and went on to a big white house behind a sharp bend which had written 'Hotel' at the front. The butler had taken the bend slowly so that the vehicle with the hamsters did not topple over and this slight advance His Lordship used to escape into the hotel.
"Do come out, Sir!" the butler bawled, panting and sweating. After a while the entrance door opened and McShredder peeped out.
"McClown", he panted back, "get away from that wheelchair and I'll come out."
The butler left the wheelchair casually and stepped aside but kept his eyes at milord.
"This is still my day off", he threatened.
"Do listen to reason, McClown. It isn't my fault that Scotstown came down within such a short span of time. In 1927 it looked just swell."
"I don't care, Sir. I want to eat and to sleep and the hamsters are hungry, too!" Loud, approving squeaks were to be heard from the suitcase.
Chapter 21
At the Hotel - Part One
"Isn't this wonderful, Sir, staying at a real hotel? A roof over our heads, a soft bed? A warm meal and…" "… and paying for everything", His Lordship added in a downcast voice.
They were standing in the hotel lobby and looked about them. A long red carpet led to a broad staircase. Several pictures of Scottish landscapes and castles were hanging at a panelled wall to their left, a reception counter of polished wood was on the right side. Behind the counter was a uniformed man who at first did not take notice of them. The butler pushed the wheelchair with the suitcases and the hamsters to the left and looked at the pictures interestedly, while the little animals peeped out of their trunk curiously. The porter several times wrinkled his nose as if he noticed some bad smell. McShredder drummed with his fingers on the counter while the porter leafed through a book - obviously the guest book. Finally milord took his pipe and wanted to light it.
"Sir, no smoking in here!"
"Is that so?" McShredder croaked. "And no serving guests either?"
"Sir, have you made a booking?" the porter asked without looking up.
"Booking? My boy, Lord McShredder of Killichonan, conqueror of the Loch Ness monster and Duke of Spain needs no booking! All hotels of the world save their best suites for me!"
In the background the butler got a fit of coughing, while the porter now looked up.
"Begging pardon, Sir, but your appearance…"
"Never judge a man by his appearance, my boy. You hear me? I might easily buy this hotel and throw you out. Do you realize that?"
"Of course, Sir, certainly, Sir", the porter meekly replied. "Do you wish for a family room with bath and shower or a twin bed room?"
"You still do not understand, my boy. I'm Lord McShredder of Killichonan, Loch Ness monster and conqueror of the Duke of Spain. Er, no, the other way round. Do you realize that? We get your very best two single rooms. The bigger one for me, of course! In case this run-down house can boast of something like a kitchen, bring the menus to our rooms. We are not used to cheap meals!"
If His Lordship had turned round just now, he would have seen how his butler almost toppled over with laughter.
"Very good, Sir, Lord McShredder of Killichonan, conqueror of the Loch Ness monster and Duke of Spain, certainly. How am I to address your Serene Highness if this bold question is permitted?"
"I grant you the question and I furthermore grant you to address me Sir Lord of Killichonan."
"Certainly, Sir Lord of Killichonan. May I carry your luggage upstairs?" the porter asked with trembling voice.
He had completely discarded his haughty behaviour. Beads of sweat were visible on his reddened face.
"No. My servant will care for my luggage. It is me you'll carry to my room!"
"Certainly, Sir, at once, Sir Lord of Killichonan", the porter stammered, hurrying around the counter to milord.
One arm he put around McShredder's shoulders, the other behind his knees. When he held him firmly, he panted upstairs with him.
"Did you hear that?" chief engineer Botchy cheered. "We'll stay overnight!"
"Yes, and he said something about a menu", Goldi added.
"If only we need not sleep in the dirt. Now and then I want a clean loo!" Flecki said and held to the edge as now the butler took their suitcase and took it upstairs.
"Did you not learn any manners, my boy?" the hamsters heard a well known voice. "Do you want to let me stand in front of the door, you boor?!"
"But Sir Lord of Killichonan, I had no hand free to open the door. How am I to open the door when I'm carrying you?"
"A porter of class would have done that with his teeth or knee, you wimpy greenhorn!"
"Very well, Sir Lord of Killichonan, I'll do better in future."
Now they were in the room and milord looked about him critically. Slowly he walked over to the window, drew back the white curtain and threw a glance at the broad bed. His glance went on to a mahogany wardrobe and a gilded chandelier the soft light of which flooded the room.
"This is your best room?" His Lordship asked and looked at the porter sharply.
"Yes, Sir Lord of Killichonan. This is our deluxe suite. Is anything wrong with it?"
"Wrong? It is a disaster, you good for nothing. The curtains do not favour the chandelier! The carpet is worn out. Show me the bathroom!"
A few moments later they were in the adjoining bathroom. It was flooded with soft light, a fluffy mat decorated the tiles. The taps of the big tub were gilded.
"Porter", came the croaking voice of McShredder. "Tell me, don't you notice it?"
"S-Sir?"
"Soap! A second bar of soap is missing. Am I to use the same soap for bathing and for washing my hands? Out, you dud!"
The porter saw that he was off. In front of the door he paused the breathed deeply. Then he walked down the passage and knocked at the room of Frido McClown.
"Sir, this is the porter", he said in a low voice. The door opened and the butler beamed at him. "Do you require anything, Sir? Is everything to your satisfaction? How may I address you?"
For a moment McClown looked bewildered, not being used to be addressed 'Sir'.
"Well", he said, "if you would bring me a bowl of unsalted peanuts I would be quite satisfied. Just call me Frido."
The porter nodded, happy to be off.
"In a moment, Sir Frido."
Chapter 21
At the Hotel - Part One
"Isn't this wonderful, Sir, staying at a real hotel? A roof over our heads, a soft bed? A warm meal and…" "… and paying for everything", His Lordship added in a downcast voice.
They were standing in the hotel lobby and looked about them. A long red carpet led to a broad staircase. Several pictures of Scottish landscapes and castles were hanging at a panelled wall to their left, a reception counter of polished wood was on the right side. Behind the counter was a uniformed man who at first did not take notice of them. The butler pushed the wheelchair with the suitcases and the hamsters to the left and looked at the pictures interestedly, while the little animals peeped out of their trunk curiously. The porter several times wrinkled his nose as if he noticed some bad smell. McShredder drummed with his fingers on the counter while the porter leafed through a book - obviously the guest book. Finally milord took his pipe and wanted to light it.
"Sir, no smoking in here!"
"Is that so?" McShredder croaked. "And no serving guests either?"
"Sir, have you made a booking?" the porter asked without looking up.
"Booking? My boy, Lord McShredder of Killichonan, conqueror of the Loch Ness monster and Duke of Spain needs no booking! All hotels of the world save their best suites for me!"
In the background the butler got a fit of coughing, while the porter now looked up.
"Begging pardon, Sir, but your appearance…"
"Never judge a man by his appearance, my boy. You hear me? I might easily buy this hotel and throw you out. Do you realize that?"
"Of course, Sir, certainly, Sir", the porter meekly replied. "Do you wish for a family room with bath and shower or a twin bed room?"
"You still do not understand, my boy. I'm Lord McShredder of Killichonan, Loch Ness monster and conqueror of the Duke of Spain. Er, no, the other way round. Do you realize that? We get your very best two single rooms. The bigger one for me, of course! In case this run-down house can boast of something like a kitchen, bring the menus to our rooms. We are not used to cheap meals!"
If His Lordship had turned round just now, he would have seen how his butler almost toppled over with laughter.
"Very good, Sir, Lord McShredder of Killichonan, conqueror of the Loch Ness monster and Duke of Spain, certainly. How am I to address your Serene Highness if this bold question is permitted?"
"I grant you the question and I furthermore grant you to address me Sir Lord of Killichonan."
"Certainly, Sir Lord of Killichonan. May I carry your luggage upstairs?" the porter asked with trembling voice.
He had completely discarded his haughty behaviour. Beads of sweat were visible on his reddened face.
"No. My servant will care for my luggage. It is me you'll carry to my room!"
"Certainly, Sir, at once, Sir Lord of Killichonan", the porter stammered, hurrying around the counter to milord.
One arm he put around McShredder's shoulders, the other behind his knees. When he held him firmly, he panted upstairs with him.
"Did you hear that?" chief engineer Botchy cheered. "We'll stay overnight!"
"Yes, and he said something about a menu", Goldi added.
"If only we need not sleep in the dirt. Now and then I want a clean loo!" Flecki said and held to the edge as now the butler took their suitcase and took it upstairs.
"Did you not learn any manners, my boy?" the hamsters heard a well known voice. "Do you want to let me stand in front of the door, you boor?!"
"But Sir Lord of Killichonan, I had no hand free to open the door. How am I to open the door when I'm carrying you?"
"A porter of class would have done that with his teeth or knee, you wimpy greenhorn!"
"Very well, Sir Lord of Killichonan, I'll do better in future."
Now they were in the room and milord looked about him critically. Slowly he walked over to the window, drew back the white curtain and threw a glance at the broad bed. His glance went on to a mahogany wardrobe and a gilded chandelier the soft light of which flooded the room.
"This is your best room?" His Lordship asked and looked at the porter sharply.
"Yes, Sir Lord of Killichonan. This is our deluxe suite. Is anything wrong with it?"
"Wrong? It is a disaster, you good for nothing. The curtains do not favour the chandelier! The carpet is worn out. Show me the bathroom!"
A few moments later they were in the adjoining bathroom. It was flooded with soft light, a fluffy mat decorated the tiles. The taps of the big tub were gilded.
"Porter", came the croaking voice of McShredder. "Tell me, don't you notice it?"
"S-Sir?"
"Soap! A second bar of soap is missing. Am I to use the same soap for bathing and for washing my hands? Out, you dud!"
The porter saw that he was off. In front of the door he paused the breathed deeply. Then he walked down the passage and knocked at the room of Frido McClown.
"Sir, this is the porter", he said in a low voice. The door opened and the butler beamed at him. "Do you require anything, Sir? Is everything to your satisfaction? How may I address you?"
For a moment McClown looked bewildered, not being used to be addressed 'Sir'.
"Well", he said, "if you would bring me a bowl of unsalted peanuts I would be quite satisfied. Just call me Frido."
The porter nodded, happy to be off.
"In a moment, Sir Frido."
Chapter 22
At the Hotel - Part Two
It did not take the porter long to hand the menu to Lord McShredder and a bowl of unsalted peanuts to Frido McClown. Then he went back to the lobby and rang up a phone number he only used in cases of emergency. This was an emergency and he needed the help of the hotel manager. The manager was living close by in the little town of Liddesdale on the other end of Loch Sunart. The manager was amazed to hear from Lachlan MacFish, his porter, that a most noble guest was staying at the hotel.
"Lachlan", he said, out of breath, "utmost discretion and fulfil all wishes of the noble gentlemen, you get me? I'll be there early in the morning and assist you. Today the gentlemen certainly have to rest. And always remember, Lachlan, a lord is always in the right."
"Very well, Sir, but couldn't you come today?"
"Lachlan, don't be silly. You will manage that all right."
That's like him, the porter thought, I've got to do the work and he goes fishing. Well, I'll manage the matter until tomorrow.
"Hey, Mister - er, porter!" a voice interrupted his thoughts. "Bring me some washed salad and 25 wash rugs!"
"Very well, Sir Frido", he said. He scratched his ear in surprise. Nothing wrong with washed salad, but what would somebody use 25 wash rugs for? Of course he had no idea that the wash rugs were to be used as bathing towels for the hamsters. The little animals were so dirty after the long journey that they urgently needed a bath. So the obvious thing was to make a swimming pool of the tub. The butler could take the wash basin after all.
"Potter?"
"Ay, Sir Frido?"
"Do you have little slats?"
"Yes, Sir Frido, for serving snacks."
"Excellent, porter, bring 25 of them."
"25 slats, Sir?"
"25 slats, porter."
Lachlan MacFish, the porter, hastened to fulfil the wishes of this curious guest. The butler on the other hand quite enjoyed it to be served for once. When the porter had taken the salad, 25 wash rugs and 25 little slats to the butler's room, he heard a croaking voice:
"Hey, room service, is my meal prepared?"
The porter hurried to His Lordship's door.
"Sir Lord of Killichonan, did Your Highness call me?"
"My bypass? I don't have any bypass, Mister. I am hungry, where is my dinner?"
"Craving your pardon, the dinner, Sir Lord of Killichonan, is served in the lounge."
The door was opened with a dash and Lord McShredder faced the porter furiously.
"What do you mean by that impertinence? Which thinner Lord of Killichonan is swerving about to plunge? There is no Lord of Killichonan but me!"
By now Lachlan MacFish realized that milord was very deaf so that he repeated with raised voice: "Dinner, Sir, your dinner. Did Your Lordship already choose?"
"Salmon with chanterelles and wedges", His hungry Lordship replied and hardly could repress a smack. "Very well, Sir Lord of Killichonan", the porter said and walked back to the butler's room.
"Sir, what would you like for dinner?"
"Haggis and chips. I'll dine in my room", McClown's voice was to be heard.
"Er, in 25 little bowls, Sir Frido?"
"25 small ones and one big one, porter!"
The rest of the day was filled with peace and munching. That was, for the porter it was neither. It just was hell. Once McShredder asked for fresh tobacco or a newspaper which had to bought in the next town, then McClown urgently required sunflower seed which could only be got at the next farm. Poor Lachlan was standing behind his reception counter, trembling, close to a nervous breakdown, any time expecting calls for "Room service!" or "Porter!" And he heard them often, very often. Close to midnight he took a cup of tea and shortbread and another helping of haggis to His Lordship and a jar of milk with 25 eggcups and 50 biscuits to the butler. Then he fell asleep behind his counter, sobbing exhaustedly.
From milord's room nothing but snoring was audible. Apart from that the hotel seemed to be quiet. But if you listened at the butler's door, a lot of curious noises might be heard: splashing, gnawing, sounds like "Eippij!" and soft snoring from Frido McClown. The hamsters, however, had their party-time. Some of the rodents were sitting on the edge of the tub eating biscuits, others were surfing in the water. The mayor was standing in front of the large bathroom mirror and rehearsed a speech.
Beside the tub Flecki and Taty were busy covering the floor with toilet paper. Goldi had discovered a small pedal bin and invited one hamster friend after the other "to stand on the lid for a moment". Then he jumped onto the pedal and with a loud cry of "Pleh!"2 the corresponding hamster sailed through the air. In the best case he landed in the bathing tub.
Only when the sun sent her first rays, the small, elegant hotel was really silent. The porter was still lying behind his counter exhaustedly and rubbed his tired eyes. Now it was time for him to get up and prepare the breakfast. In a crabby mood he walked to the kitchen and quickly closed his eyes again when he saw the mounds of dirty dishes. His Lordship and the butler had been served with the best of the best and that in double and triple helpings. Add to this countless little dishes like eggcups, slats, tea spoons, and small plates the use of which Lachlan MacFish could not make head or tail of. It took him quite some time to tidy up the kitchen, then he laid the breakfast table. Now he went to wake up the guests.
Chapter 23
At the Hotel - Part 3
"Good morning, Sir Lord of Killichonan. Did Your Highness sleep well?"
The porter was standing very erect beside the breakfast table when Lord McShredder approached. A few steps behind him followed the yawning butler.
"Don't talk that posh, slave. Where is the caviar?"
"Er, Sir, you did not mention caviar…"
"I did not mention caviar, you boor? The Lord of Killichonan feeds on caviar! Get that into your head!"
"V-very well, Sir", the porter stammered and hurried to the kitchen to get some caviar.
"Er, Sir, what is the taste of this caviar?"
"No idea, McClown, but I always wanted to try it", milord replied and added: "I hope it is not too fatty. I'll only try a small helping, I think."
In came the porter with a small bowl of caviar and placed it in front of milord.
"The caviar, Sir Lord of Killichonan."
While the porter saw that he got back to his safe kitchen, His Lordship eyed the bowl and its black contents curiously. He took a small silver spoon and cautiously tasted a tiny bit. Then he spit the little black balls through the room and grumbled: "Inedible, McClown, much too much salt. Hand it down to the hamsters for toying around with it."
After this unpleasant experience they turned back to their breakfast and had their fill. In the meantime a man had entered the lobby and approached them.
"Good morning, gentlemen. I am very much pleased and honoured to welcome you here. I hope you are missing nothing and are satisfied with the service."
"No ice cream!" McShredder crowed.
"Sir?" the hotel manager asked in a bewildered voice.
"There is no ice cream! Make yourself useful and get us some raspberry ice cream and stop interrupting my breakfast!"
"And an extra helping of chips for me!" McClown called after the flabbergasted manager who really went into the kitchen to look for his porter. He found him beside the dish washer.
"Lachlan, are you all right?" he asked but when he saw the nervous tic in the face of his employee he knew that nothing was all right. He was quite beside himself, trembled and now put his head into the fridge.
"I can't go on, Sir", he wailed and hit his fist against the fridge door.
"Now, now, Lachlan, it can't be that bad!"
"No, Sir, it's worse! All the night I heard water running into the tub, the hotel is stinking all over of tobacco and they nagged around up to midnight! I'm taking my leave, Sir!"
"Lachlan, no, you can't do that, I'm quite done without you!" The hotel manager had blanched.
"No, Sir, I can't stand this. It's either them or me and that's my last word!"
The porter kicked the fridge door and walked to the counter to pack his things. The manager of this honourable hotel was in a difficult situation. If he sent the two guests packing, he would loose a lot of money. On the other hand, if the porter retired, the hotel service would break down. He arranged his tie and walked slowly to the breakfast table where Lord McShredder and McClown were sitting, elbows on the table and slurping their tea. Both had put their feet onto the next chairs. It did not look very elegant.
"Gentlemen", the hotel manager cautiously began, "there is a small problem."
"Don't talk about small", milord bawled, "it's a big problem! Where's my ice cream?"
"You will get your ice cream in a moment, Sir. But unfortunately a problem came up which requires your immediate attention."
"Are you telling me that there is rasp ice cream? Then bring strawberry, and presto!" milord crowed and emptied his pipe into the caviar bowl.
"Unfortunately it is much more than your ice cream, Sir. You will have to leave the hotel."
"Leave the hotel?" Milord took the pipe out of his mouth and pointed with it at the hotel manager. "See that you get yourself to the kitchen and fetch the ice cream or I will buy this lousy hotel and dismiss you."
"Very well, Sir", the manager calmly replied. "Which amount are we talking about?"
His Lordship paled and put his pipe onto the table.
"Well, er, a large one. I'm the Lord of Killichonan, regent of the Loch Ness monster, er, and I could offer you a castle which is just being, er, renovated."
"Thank you very much, Sir, that won't be necessary. Just pay me one night in the de luxe suite. Do you pay separately, gentlemen?"
He looked at Frido McClown. But the butler shook his head and pointed at milord.
"He invited us."
"Us, Sir?" the manager asked, surprised. "Whom else?"
"Er", the butler stammered, "what I mean is, me and the, er, suitcases."
"The suitcases, I see. Well, milord, than it will be your pleasure. My porter will bring the invoice in a moment. We'll take your suitcases down with pleasure. Do you have any other requirements?"
Lord and butler felt quite helpless and did say nothing. The hotel manager went to his porter who had listened to this from the distance with growing delight. He had already prepared an invoice form and started to write. "Sir, do you have enough money with you?" the butler asked the question of all questions.
"McClown, do I look like a mean chicken thief? A lord has always enough money with him, of course. Take along the remains of the breakfast, we have to economize."
"Economize, Sir? But I thought…"
"185 pound, Sir. Cash, if you please."
The hotel manager put the invoice down in front of Lord McShredder. Many words and even more numbers were written on it. The butler could almost see how the brain of the old rascal was working feverishly. He had no idea what was to come but he had the idea that it was something unpleasant.
"That all?" McShredder croaked and threw the invoice onto the table. "This ridiculous invoice is all? My good man, such a sum my postman gets as a tip! I'm used to quite other invoices! I'll pay this silly invoice when I honour you with my visit again. McClown, we are leaving!"
The manager put his hand on milord's shoulder.
"You will not leave, Sir. Unfortunately I have to ask you to pay immediately."
"You want to threaten a lord?" McShredded sounded shocked. "If I tell you that I'll pay next time, you may rely on that. You understand me, my boy?"
"Perfectly, Sir." The hotel manager turned to the porter. "Lachlan, please be kind enough to ring up the police."
For a moment the porter was frozen, but then he took up the receiver with a broad smile. Even milord now understood that the matter was serious und shouted: "Stop! I'll pay!"
Immediately all eyes were upon him. With a sigh he put his hand into his trouser pocket, rummaged in it for some time and made a surprised face. Then he looked under the breakfast table, under the chair, and finally he started to take up the carpet in the lobby.
"Sir, what are you doing there?" the manager wondered.
"Looking for my money. A few minutes ago it was in my pocket."
"Perhaps you left it in your room, Sir."
"No,no. I had it on me. It is gone."
The manager looked first at His Lordship, then at His Lordship's butler, then at his porter. Then he slowly paced the room. He turned the matter over in his mind for a while and finally said:
"Well, Sir, I would not like to accuse a lord of being a liar, and I would not like to see a lord in prison. But you will understand that I need money to survive. My employee of course has to get his wages. So I propose that some friends of yours send the money to you, or…" He paused and glared at milord. "Or you work it off!"
Lord McShredder sat on his chair rather embarrassed and played with his pipe. Friends to send him money? Forget it! He had no friends. So he stood up.
"No lord will beg at his friends, even if they would be delighted to help him. My butler and I will enjoy working off this ridiculous amount!"
Chapter 24
At the Hotel - Part 4
"Enjoy it?" Frido McClown grumbled. "You said we'll enjoy it? The last three days we've been slaving from dawn to dusk."
"McClown, you are never satisfied. We've got a roof over our heads and warm meals. A little work will not kill you."
Milord was sitting on an old bucket and watched his butler painting the last part of the hotel's back wall with white paint. The front wall they had painted yesterday and now the hotel shone in new splendour. However, McClown had no eye for all this beauty because by now His Lordship remembered his rheumatism and that he needed a long break. So McClown had to do the work all alone.
"Sir, if we are finished here, we have to repair the roof and paint all rooms. I can't go on!"
At this moment the porter came with a large bowl and placed it I front of milord.
"Potatoes, Sir. In spite of your rheumatism you should be able to peel these potatoes. Please do it accurately."
Milord took the knife the porter had given him and looked at it. When the porter had left the room he chucked it to the floor.
"You are right, McClown. This kind of work is unworthy for a lord. Contrary to you, however, I possess a lot of brain and worked out a plan of escape."
"Escape, Sir?"
"Escape, McClown. 7.47 tomorrow morning a bus is leaving for Corran. We will take it. From Corran we'll leave with the ferry." "But Sir, how are we to escape through the entrance hall without being noticed?"
"There, there, McClown", McShredder crowed, "you only think with your feet and not with your head. That's why you are a butler and not lord. See that our wheelchair unobtrusively stays outside overnight. Think of something. After breakfast we will escape."
The butler indeed did not find it difficult to think of something. After he had spilled a lot of paint over the wheelchair and worked on it with some stinking cleanser, he could leave it in front of the door for airing without arousing suspicion.
In the evening they sat together in the small chamber they had been given two days before. It was beside the kitchen and furnished sparsely. Two beds and an old wardrobe was all they had. Meals were meagre and McClown had the suspicion that they got the leftovers of the few hotel guests' meals. He was quite fed up with working here any longer. Certainly he was used to labour under milord's orders from morning to night, but it never was as bad as here. Yesterday he had to wash the dishes until deep into the night and when he had finished that the brushes had to be cleaned of paint. At this time His Highness had already been snoring as he was only willing to do the most necessary things - due to his rheumatism. The butler sighed and went to the suitcase with his little hamster friends.
"Don't worry, my little ones", he whispered. "Tomorrow morning we will be free again!" Then he lay down on his bed and soon was asleep.
"What does that mean now", Taty scolded. "Why does nobody care for us? All day long we are hanging around here and nobody minds us."
"And hardly anything to eat", Goldi protested. "We should see that we are off!"
"You didn't listen, silly", Flecki said. "The kind man just said that we'll be free tomorrow morning."
"So he said", the mayor confirmed. "Dear hamsters, tomorrow we will be free again. We'll belong to ourselves, as the old Celts used to say. Of course one or the other will ask: What does 'free' mean? Well, my dear friends, that means nothing but being free. As I mentioned above…"
"Who'll come to the kitchen with me?" Goldi interrupted the fluent speech of the mayor. "A little something now would be quite something, wouldn't it?"
When the mayor looked about him, he found himself alone in the room. That is, the only hamster in the room as McShredder and McClown were sweetly sleeping in their beds. With a shrug, the lonely mayor turned to the two sleeping men and tripped a few paces closer. When he was between the two beds, he stretched his arms and said:
"Gentlemen, you are certainly interested to know my opinion on the matters in detail and in general, me being a hamster occupying the responsible position of a mayor. I am delighted to see you so numerously gathered. Please be assured that you will not be sorry of coming, because I, as you certainly…"
So, while the mayor was really happy to talk to an audience not able to escape him, the other hamsters had reached the kitchen. With a cheering "Yarooh!" one hamster after the other skidded over the smooth surface into the sink. When the last one had arrived in the sink, they faced a problem.
"And what now?" Chief engineer Botchy was the first one to see the problem. "How do we get out of this?"
Silence and long faces was all the answer he got. Their own stupidity had imprisoned them. Desperately the hamsters tried to climb up the smooth walls of the sink. They did not succeed. Then they made another attempt by climbing upon each other, but the ground of the sink simply was too slippery. Every time the bottommost hamster slipped and they all toppled down. So they spent a boring night in a boring sink.
Chapter 25
Escape
It was just dawning when the butler woke up due to milord's loud snoring. He rubbed his eyes and suddenly remembered that today all slavery would be over. With some bewilderment he looked at the floor where one of the hamsters obviously was holding a speech. The butler shook his head, gripped the protesting hamster and put him into the suitcase. With a start he looked about him: Where were the other hamsters? He looked under the beds, ransacked the wardrobe, but the hamsters were not there. The clock said that it was 5.00 a.m. McClown decided to begin the breakfast preparations for the hotel guests. Nothing wrong to have a little time left for preparing the escape later on. Very cautiously, not to wake up His Lordship and start unfruitful discussions, he opened the door and went into the neighbouring kitchen. First of all he filled the water kettle, put it onto the stove and got tea and tea filter from the cupboard. He angrily noticed that the teapot was still dirty. So he walked over to the sink. Standing in front of it, he did not believe his eyes.
"Why, did your party go down the sink?" The butler almost toppled over with laughter. "Did you have some fun after all?" He took the frustrated hamsters and cautiously carried them to their chamber. Again and again he had to stifle a giggle. He opened the door and put the hamsters into the suitcase with the mayor who still was holding a speech. Then he walked back to the kitchen, giggling. "If he had said another word, I would have gone for him", Goldi roared and waved his tiny fist. "Let's not talk about it any more", Topple proposed. "We're really a shame for all hamsters." "That's it", Flecki yawned. "Let's have some sleep. Today we've made fools enough of ourselves." While the hamsters went to sleep, the butler prepared breakfast in the kitchen. He was glad that there were only few guests at the hotel just now. Only three guests were to be served breakfast, the butler thought, and made coffee for Room No. 4. That was the room of the funny professor who walked about in the surrounding landscape all day long or was reading books in his room. Then there was Room No. 8, holding a couple who always were out all the day and gave McClown no trouble. However, it was close to vacation time and he well knew that lots of people would be coming soon. No, they must be off, the earlier the better. The kitchen clock showed 6.00 a.m. by now. There was a prickling in his stomach and he wondered how he might take the suitcases outside without being noticed. He had no idea and that troubled him. And if they simply left the luggage behind? No, never, the butler thought with grim face, never he would leave the poor little hamsters behind. "You don't look very happy, Sir Frido - good morning", he heard the voice of the porter who had just entered the kitchen to check how things were going. Against McClown Lachlan McFish was quite polite because he regarded him as a kind of fellow sufferer. On the other hand he badgered Lord McShredder as much as possible. "Please remember to take the garbage out so that the collectors can take it away today." "I will", McClown mumbled and put the coffee powder he just had spilt into the filter. Suddenly he had an idea. The garbage! He went to the back part of the kitchen and found the two dustbins which were to be emptied today. He looked in and saw that there still was room enough - room enough for the suitcases.
As unobstrusively as possible he left the kitchen and made for the room where milord was still snoring loud and peacefully. Frido McClown took one suitcase after the other and carried it into the kitchen. The porter had left, and with pounding heart the butler stuffed the suitcases into the dustbins. Then he fetched the small green bucket which was filled with leftovers and distributed them in the bins so that the suitcases were no longer visible. When he looked at the clock again he saw with some shock that it was almost 7.00 a.m. He hurried to lay the breakfast tables, carried the dustbins out and finally woke up His Lordship and told him where he had left the trunks. "McClown, I see that you learned something from me", His Lordship whispered a short time later when they were sitting over their breakfast. He again and again looked about him to check if someone was listening. "It's 7.25 a.m. now. When we have finished our breakfast you'll quickly clean away the dishes and go back into the kitchen. It will take us 10 minutes to reach the bus stop where the bus for Corran is leaving at 7.47 a.m."
"Yes, Sir", the butler excitedly replied and stuffed the last piece of toast into his mouth. "I'm cleaning away the dishes now." "Very good, McClown", McShredder said. "I'm going to my room to put on my painter’s gear. Then I'll leave the house and wait for you." After the butler had taken the dishes to the kitchen, he threw another glance at the clock. It was 7.35 a.m. now, the time had come! He took the small green bucket and faked taking vegetable remains to the dustbins. The porter had just entered the kitchen, probably to check whether all ingredients for lunch were there, the butler thought and quickly went outdoors. His Lordship was standing there with a thoughtful face. The dustbins! Where were the dustbins with the suitcases? The suitcases were not that important, but where were the poor hamsters?
"Congratulations, McClown, the garbage collectors just fetched our luggage."
"Where to?" The butler was close to tears.
"Well, McClown, I guess they are taken to the incinerator near Glasgow."
"Can we overtake them, Sir?"
Lord McShredder pondered.
"Now, McClown, take the wheelchair and speed up. First of all we have to get the bus!"
His Lordship sat down in the wheelchair and the butler pushed. There was no question that milord had to be pushed along. First he was no longer very fast, second the road was quite steep so that they were very quick. With racing speed they took a right-hand bend and the centre of Strontian already came into sight. The butler panted while pushing over the uneven road and looked back again and again. Nobody followed them. A lord in painter's gear, a butler in cook's gear, racing through the town centre like hell. What a picture, the butler thought and saw with relief that the bus stop was only a few steps ahead. The bus was already waiting. His Lordship left the wheelchair and boarded the bus. Exhaustedly he fell into a seat. The driver helped the butler to get the wheelchair into the bus. Then he returned to his driver's seat and turned to McClown: "Need a ticket, Sir?" The butler shook his head. He needed no ticket, he needed the suitcase with the hamsters. Then the bus set moving..
Chapter 26
Corran
"Sir, I don't really like to repeat my question, but what about the bin lorry?"
"McClown, I told you they are going to Glasgow."
"So you said, Sir."
"And we now go to Corran, McClown."
"I know this, Sir."
"We have to take a ferry to get there."
"I know this as well, Sir."
"There is no other way to Glasgow."
"I didn't know that, Sir."
"You see, McClown, that is the fine difference between lord and butler. At the latest on the ferry we will meet the bin lorry and you can get back the suitcases."
"Why me, Sir? I'm feeling sick with the smell of garbage."
"Because of the fine difference, McClown. Fact is, you are only a butler, so it is you who will rummage the rubbish."
With a sour face the butler looked out of the window. Even the beautiful landscape along Glen Tarbert could not divert him. They reached Inversanda and the view over the bay was overwhelming. The butler, however, impatiently waited for the bus to be off again because up to now the bin lorry had not come into sight. With every halt we loose precious time, he thought. Every 20 minutes a ferry crossed Loch Linnhe, that much was certain. What if the bin lorry with the suitcases was already on the ferry and they would only get the next one? McClown started to sweat when he imagined that his darling hamster-friends should end in the incinerator. They reached Gearradh and to his horror the bus stopped for several minutes. But then they followed the loch in a timely manner and the butler took heart again. Another stop at a sign post which had written 'Sallachan' on it and he became aware of the fact that he was trembling all over. At last they were on the road again, but at the last stop in Clovullin he lost his nerves. In his mind he saw pictures of flames and hamsters.
"Nooo!" he yelled and dropped to the bus floor.
The driver turned round, horrified, and looked at the desperate butler and so did all other passengers. The driver said: "Are you ill, Sir? Do you need a doctor?"
"Drive on", McCown groaned. "Get to the ferry, it's a matter of life or death!"
Disbelievingly, driver and passengers goggled at him big-eyed.
"He needs the fresh air at the sea", Lord McShredder now crowed. "Then he'll feel much better."
The driver nodded and sped up.
"Thank you, Sir, fresh air at the sea is a good idea."
"You're welcome, McClown. Would you like to think the people that my butler is a complete fool?"
"No, Sir, certainly not."
McClown got up and was down again with a shriek for the driver had reached his goal and braked sharply. "Here we are, Sir!" he shouted and jumped up to help the two of them with the wheelchair. Then the butler pushed on the wheelchair with running speed until he saw a sign which had 'Ardgour Ferry' written on it. The ferry was moored at a long pier and the butler doubled his efforts but it was too late. The small ferry already set moving.
"Nooo!" the butler yelled, threw himself on the wooden planks of the peer and drummed with his fists.
"We had this situation before, McClown. You are a quite cranky. You have to learn to control yourself, McClown."
"But, Sir, the hamsters, the hamsters…"
"So what, McClown? They are in the bin lorry and the bin lorry is on the ferry. Do I make a fuss because of that, McClown?"
"Nooo!" he yelled again and once more threw himself to the planks of the peer with a sob. "McClown, this is boring, you're repeating yourself. Get up and control yourself, the next ferry is here!" At this spot the transfer took no more than a few minutes. The small ferry landed, a ramp was lowered and they boarded. While the butler mournfully stared into the water, Lord McShredder argued about the fare with one of the officials. Only after milord had threatened to buy the ferry and turn out everybody, they were left in peace. After leaving the ferry they sat down on a bench beside the sign 'Corran Ferry'. But His Lordship had not calmed down. "He wanted money, McClown, do you hear? This cutthroat! Pedestrians and bikes go free, I know that. And what does this pirate say? A wheelchair has got four wheels and is no bike, he said, McClown! I told him something!" "You are quite cranky, you must learn to control yourself, Sir", McClown mumbled. "I am - manky, McClown?! That is most impertinent, and you know it!" "By no means I said so, Sir, I only thought of the hamsters." Frido McClown ignored His Lordship's look of distrust and mournfully watched the landscape. Suddenly his face cleared. He jumped up. "Which day is it, Sir?" "McClown, I know you are down and need a holiday, but…" "Saturday, Sir, it is Saturday!" McShredder gave his butler a bewildered look but then the meaning of this dawned to him. "You are right, McClown. So the hamsters won't go into the fire before Monday for everything is closed on weekends."
"You put that nicely, Sir", the butler gnarled and continued: "So the bin lorry will certainly take a break on his way. Sir, we have to go on towards Glasgow!" He gripped the wheelchair and pushed as fast as possible. Suddenly he heard a far off and well known voice: "McClown! You forgot me!"
Chapter 27
The Inn
On their southern road along the A82 they had just passed a narrow river when the butler paused and panted:
"I wonder whether the police are following us, Sir. What I mean, if the hotel manager notices that we are gone, he certainly will call in the police."
"Typical for you, McClown, you just don't think!"
"Sir?"
"The police will of course look for us towards Killichonan, McClown. So what? We are heading towards Glasgow, aren't we? Moreover, McClown, I do not think that this hotel manager will report a lord to the police."
The butler was satisfied. If the police were to take hold of them, that would have meant the end of the hamsters. One mile later they reached the little town of Onich. The town would not have differed from others if there had not been something which made them freeze. At the end of the town there was an inn where obviously it was also possible to stay overnight - or so a sign said. Some letters in the sign had faded in the course of the years, but it was not the sign which struck lord and butler dumb. Beside the sign post a big car was standing - the bin lorry!
With a coarse cry the butler ran to the bin lorry and tried to open the back hatch.
"Locked, Sir", he disappointedly moaned. "We've got to find the binmen. They certainly will be in the inn."
"Just a minute, McClown", His Lordship said. "Don’t be too hasty. Why should anybody lock the hatch of a bin lorry? There's a snag to it. We have to proceed cautiously."
They cautiously approached the inn. It was a flat building and the walls were cracked here and there. The windows had not been washed for a long time, the curtains were yellowish. A few old, half torn notes were hanging at the door - a long time ago they certainly had been of some meaning. Slowly the butler pushed down the handle and opened the heavy front door. Lord McShredder followed him. They entered a dark room with several round tables. At one of the tables the binmen were sitting, talking loudly. Nobody was behind the counter and no further guests were in his unpleasant room. Knives and forks were laid out for the two men, so the landlord might be in the kitchen preparing a meal for them. Just when lord and butler were sitting down at one of the tables they had to listen what the two men were talking about. The first words shocked them.
"Ye know, I got really pissed, I tell ye. A pretty kick I gave it so it slapped at the post full power. Down it came, I tell ye. Then I kicked it again and that was that."
He slammed his big fist onto the table and shouted: "I'm pissed, if I'm played off, I tell ye. Somebody fooling me and I forget mesel'!"
"So ye do", his pal agreed.
"Ye should hae heard that slam when it smashed the post! I thought it'd burst like a ripe melon, I tell ye."
Lord and butler looked at each other with white faces.
"Out, McClown", McShredder panted and ran out.
The butler glanced at the two men one more time and saw that one of them looked at him. The one with the big fist.
"Hey, you!" he shouted through the room. "Shall I tell ye, too…"
But the butler had rushed after Lord McShredder and did not hear the end of the sentence. The binman with the big first turned to his pal and said: "Pity, I'd loved to tell him how last weekend I made the winning goal, I tell ye."
While in the inn the chat about soccer went on, in front of the inn two men were looking absolutely horrified.
"They are brutes, Sir! If we ask them whether we may search their lorry, they'll kill us!"
"You are right, McClown, those two are brutal chaps. I'm afraid we have to give up the suitcases."
"No, Sir, no. Do think about the poor little innocent hamsters. Are they to die in the flames?"
"McClown, you do not think clearly. Think about, perhaps they hamsters have already suffocated."
The butler looked at the bin lorry and saw that the window on the driver's side was open. He cautiously approached the door although the inn was on the other side of the lorry now and there was no danger to be seen by the two binmen. McClown mounted onto the running-board and looked in, then he rejoiced: the key was in the ignition lock!
"Sir, do come quickly!" he called Lord McShredder in a low voice and milord curiously came closer. The butler showed him what he had found and whispered that milord should get into the lorry.
"McClown, I won't go without my wheelchair! The perfect butler does not leave his master's belongings behind. So think of something or we won't go."
The butler thought feverishly. There was not enough room in the driver's cab and the back hatch was still locked. McClown did no make much ado but pushed the wheelchair to the back of the lorry, lifted it and hitched it to the handle of the hatch.
"This should do. Please get in, Sir."
Lord McShredder did so, but hesitatingly, for he did not think this procedure correct. Hijacking a bin lorry was not worthy a lord. But neither it would be worthy to be arrested for evading the payment of a bill. This vehicle gave him the chance to leave the area before the police could find him. It would certainly take the two binmen a while to discover that their lorry was gone. Perhaps they would only notice it the other day in case they stayed here overnight.
"Drive on, McClown!"
Cautiously the butler set back the heavy lorry into the street, then he followed the sign towards Glencoe.
Chapter 28
Glencoe
"I can't stand it any longer. I want to get out here!" Flecki had sulkily retreated into a corner of the suitcase and drawn a sock over her delicate nose.
"It's a shame", Taty agreed. "After the bath we had been so beautifully clean and shining. Now we are looking like pigs!" "Indeed, dear hamster friends, we should send a delegation to the guide. Only immediate discussion will better the situation because as I several times indicated…"
"Ey, this banana is quite fresh", Goldi interrupted the mayor. "Anybody take a bite?"
Nobody replied and the reason was obvious. Rubbish of all kind can be found in a bin lorry and many a hamster saw his chance. All over the place small booths had been installed and a variety of things was offered. Beside a stall with spare parts there was one with antiques and in a little distance a snack-stall offering leftovers of meals. But this small market unfortunately ended soon. When the lorry set moving, all booths tumbled about. Now of course everybody fought with everybody about the question of ownership. Chief Botchy tried to reconcile them but gave this up when a lemon peel hit his head. This was the mayor's hour! He climbed onto the highest rubbish heap and shouted:
"Dear hamster-friends, I think it is time to pause and reflect. Tolerance and charity, dear friends, are not only the yardstick of life but also…"
He did not get further. When he started to speak a coffee filter had missed him, but now a foul tomato hit him right in the face. Bravely he got up again and tried to continue his speech but a well aimed apple brought him down for good. Now there was no stopping, a real battle started. Groceries came flying, small furniture and everything which could be thrown. All hamsters were completely beside themselves, except of course Flecki and Taty who were still sitting in their suitcase and watching the matter, shaking their heads.
"Incredible, outrageous", Flecki cried. "Look", she said to Taty, "even the mayor takes part. It's a shame!"
She turned to Taty but Taty was no longer there. Then Flecki could see how Taty threw a foul carrot at chief Botchy’s head so that he rolled down the rubbish heap. Flecki was shocked, stuck her head out of the suitcase and yelled: “You should be ashamed! That’s no behaviour for a hamster!”
Next moment a banana peel hit her face and she fell headlong out of the suitcase. That had been Goldi’s missile! Full of revenge, she took an old pen and tried to prick Goldi’s bum. But suddenly the lorry braked sharply, all hamsters tumbled over each other and the battle was over.
“McClown, you are braking like a fool. Do you want my denture to fall out of my face?”
“I’m sorry, Sir, but I don’t know the way.”
A few minutes earlier they had crossed Loch Leven and after a long left turn of the A82 they were reaching the town of Glencoe. “To the left, the right, or straight on, Sir?” the butler asked.
McShredder thought.
“Keep to the left, McClown. The police will think us to be on the main road to be quicker.”
“Which police?” the butler grinned. “Those following us for bill-dodging or those following us for car theft?”
Lord McShredder did not think it necessary to answer this question. They now had reached a small side road with Loch Leven to their left.
“Sir, a while ago I saw a sign which said: Dogs and Campbells - keep out. What is a Campbell, Sir?”
His Lordship looked at the butler as if he had said something very, very silly.
“McClown, you do not know the Campbells?”
“No, Sir, should I do so?”
“McClown, you are a boor and will always be. Well, a short time ago, it was in 1692, the famous ‘Glencoe Massacre’ took place. Every second traditional in Scotland deals with it. The Campell Clan murdered half the McDonald Clan when they enjoyed the hospitality of the McDonalds. You never heard about that, McClown?”
“No, Sir, at that time I had not been born into the world, Sir.”
Suddenly the butler stopped and glared out to the road.
“Sir, if we follow this road, we’ll go back along the other bank of the lake.”
Milord pondered and took out his pipe. While he lit it he pointed to a nearby forest road and ordered the butler to park the lorry there. Then both got off and looked at the lorry’s hatch. How were they to open the heavy hatch without a tool? They had found a tool kit under the passenger seat but it was locked.
Helpless and downcast they climbed back into the driver’s cab. Slowly dusk fell and while Lord McShredder took off his shoes to prepare for the night, McClown’s glance fell to the keys which were still in the ignition. All of a sudden he realized that they would have spared themselves a lot of trouble if they had been a little clever.
Chapter 29
Kinlochleven
While Lord McShredder put on his shoes again, his butler had taken the keys and ran to the hatch of the bin lorry. He was so excited that he had to make several trials with the keys. He emitted a coarse cry of joy when one of the keys fitted into the lock without problems. Heart pounding, he turned the handle and pulled the hatch upwards. Lots of rubbish fell out and when the hatch was open, he kept his breath and looked in. As not otherwise to be expected it was full of rubbish.
Nervously his eyes wandered to and fro, then came a breath of relief when he saw his little hamster-friends. They blinked into the light and looked rather the worse for wear, their furs being dirty and clotty. He also saw the suitcases which had sprung open during the drive. Their contents had well mingled with the rubbish. First of all the butler took the hamster-trunk and examined it. It seemed to be intact so that he took a handkerchief and cleaned the trunk as well as possible. Then he put it down, fished one hamster after the other out of the rubbish and put them into their domicile.
All the time he did not notice Lord McShredder who stood close to him and craned his neck as if looking for something in the rubbish. He only noticed him when His Lordship held to the hatch lid with a curse because he almost fell into the dirt.
“Sir, are you all right?”
“Certainly, McClown, certainly. Everything all right.”
The butler turned back to the hamsters and tried to clean their furs. He was just trying to extract an old chewing gum from the fur of a hamster when a damaged box fell out of the lorry. He turned and saw milord rummaging the rubbish.
“Sir, may I be of assistance?”
“No, no, McClown, I’m - er - just looking about.”
The butler shook his head and turned back to the struggling hamster to free him from the sticky mess. Satisfied, he put the suitcase aside. Then he heard creeping steps. He looked about him in wonder. Where was milord? McClown got up and to the right side of the bin lorry. There he saw McShredder kneeling at one of the other suitcases. Slowly the butler tiptoed closer and looked over milord’s shoulder. There was the wallet which His Lordship had claimed to be lost at the hotel!
“Sir, you’re a damned shark!” McClown roared and wanted to get at the old man.
Unfortunately the open suitcase was in his way and the butler fell headlong at His Lordship’s feet. Infuriated, he bit McShredder’s foot and milord started to howl.
All this noise had made the hamsters curious. They came closer and whooped the butler as usual.
Wailing, milord hopped around on one leg and tried to escape, but Frido McClown was quicker. He jumped after His Lordship, gripped his foot and bit him a second time. Whimpering, the old rascal broke down, while the hamsters merrily asked for more show of this kind.
“McClown”, McShredder lamented, “it is not as you believe it to be!”
“Sir, what do you think I’m believing? That we had to starve and suffer because you were too close-fisted to buy us a meal? That we had to labour at the hotel so you could save your money? That the police are following us because you only think of your money? If it wasn’t for you, the poor, innocent hamsters had been almost given to the flames!”
The butler sidled around His Lordship like a tiger around his prey, prepared to attack any moment.
“McClown, I saved the money for an emergency case - for all of us!”
“Funeral service for the hamsters perhaps, Sir, cremation as it is, Sir?”
“Dear McClown, I promise that we’ll always stay at hotels from now on. Or Bed & Breakfast, which might be cheaper”, he quickly added.
“Very well, Sir”, McClown snarled, “and what about the lorry? Those two guys will kill us if not the police gets us.”
Milord shrugged.
“I’ll tell you what do, Sir. I don’t like to be at the mercy of those brutal guys. Put enough money under the seat, that will calm them down - and ring up the inn.”
“Er, McClown, they will know my voice and kill all of us!”
“Your voice, Sir? They never heard it! By chance I’ve been in Kinlochleven before and know that there is a phone box at the entrance of the town. I’ll park the lorry there and we pick out the number of the inn at Onich. We’ll tell them something about an emergency. The money under the seat will sooth those two brutes.”
“Very well, McClown, but what if the police are already waiting for us?”
“There is no police station at Kinlochleven, Sir. It’s a quiet little town at the end of Loch Leven and is therefore called ‘Loch Leven’s Head’. By the way, did you know that the opening scene of the film ‘Rob Roy’ had been taken here? And that Kind Edward VII spent a night there at the Marmore Lodge?”
Lord McShredder shook his head. He looked rather downcast but his butler did not mind that. They walked back to the bin lorry, His Lordship limping in a most snivelling style, and looked for their luggage. Everything except the hamsters’ suitcase was so dirty that they could no longer make any use of it. When they had finished their rummaging, they drove to the town entrance of Kinlochleven, found the aforementioned phone box and parked the lorry there. They were lucky to find the phone number of the Onich-inn quickly and McShredder rang up to tell the landlord an outrageous story. The butler had some difficulty not to burst out laughing when His Lordship talked about the bin lorry being hijacked by the secret service in the interest of national safety. This was, he said, a top secret matter which he could and must not discuss over the phone. Furthermore he told the most bewildered landlord that he was to inform the two drivers accordingly and also inform them where they would get their vehicle back against some compensation.
McClown was quite certain that the binmen no longer were a danger and so they set off again.
Chapter 30
Devil’s Staircase
The phone box lay quite a distance behind them when they reached a tourist information. It was closed but a poster saying ‘West Highland Way’ drew Lord McShredder’s attention.
“McClown, don’t dawdle, we have to go this way!”
The butler cursed because the wheels of the wheelchair were twisted and it was hard to push. The ride with the lorry bin had not agreed with it.
“Sir, this silly vehicle can’t be moved any longer!”
“Nonsense, McClown, just make a little effort, then it rolls again.”
Swearing, the butler tried to push on the mulish wheelchair along a narrow road, when His Lordship suddenly paused and pointed ahead.
“McClown, may I present the famous West Highland Way to you?”
Panting, Frido McClown stopped and looked at the broad rocky hiking trail.
“Famous?” the butler puffed. “This beaten track?”
“History, McClown, this path is history. It’s an old trading road. Was of course also used for military transports.” “The usual brawls between the clans, I guess, Sir?”
“McClown, you’re talking to your meagre knowledge! This path has a length of 152 kilometres and leads from Fort William to Glasgow. The film ‘Braveheart’ has also been shot here. Every year in June they hold the West-Highland-Race. The whole distance has to be done in a given time.”
“And what is the record, Sir?” McClowan languidly asked.
“16 and a half hours. Did you know, McClown, that torch, compass, map, whistle, and raincoat have to taken along? Only who is such equipped, is allowed to participate. It is, of course, recommendable to take along toilet paper.”
“Certainly, Sir, and something to eat and to drink?”
“Yes, McClown, but a good sportsman does not stuff his belly on the road. However, the rules say that the distance has to be done within 35 hours, no matter whether you run or walk or hop along. You even might crawl.”
“Great”, the butler grinned. “That would be something for you!”
His Lordship turned aside, deeply offended, and looked at the majestic Glencoe.
“Sir, I can’t move the wheelchair on this bumpy path any longer. I’m afraid we have to leave it behind.”
As milord still was offended and did not answer, Frido McClown pushed the wheelchair close to the West Highland Way and imagined the faces of the people who would discover it. A wheelchair user who had walked over such a distance! Grinning, he followed His Lordship into the setting sun, while the hamsters in the suitcase he carried now were soundly asleep. They walked through a wonderful landscape, perhaps the most beautiful part of their journey. Almost for two hours they walked until the sun slowly set behind the high mountains. Suddenly the road became steep. The two of them climbed while the mountains looked rather sinister in the breaking night.
“This, McClown”, Lord McShredder panted, “is ‘Devil’s Staircase’. Perhaps you notice that no birds are singing her. It’s a spooky place and nobody stays here for long.”
“Now, now”, the butler laughed, “I can see some birds flying about. Perhaps they have only forgotten their tune.”
“McClown, that are not birds, that are bats.”
“Sir, the hamsters don’t like bats.”
“Well, then there will be a curfew for the animals, McClown. We, however, should look for a safe place to sleep.”
The butler looked about him. Naked rock everywhere. The mountains looked spooky and even the sky appeared threatening. Wind had sprung up which was unusual. Even the hamsters were very quiet, no scratching at the lid of the trunk and no impatient squeaking. Lord McShredder seemed to be worried and constantly looked left and right as if he expected something to come down on them from the rock face. There! Some noise, directly in front of them! Lord and butler were standing close together.
“C-calm down, McClown, only a s-stone rolling down in the rock face.”
“C-certainly, Sir, it’s all r-right.”
“D-don’t p-panic, McClown.”
At the same instant something big, black whizzed over their heads.
“Aaaaargh, McClown, the devil comes to fetch us. Run!” milord shrieked and started running with a speed which the butler had not thought him capable of.
“Wait, Sir”, McClown yelled, “don’t leave me alone with this monster!”
Shrieking, the two men ran up to the mountain’s peak, raced down on the other side and only stopped exhaustedly when they reached a parking lot. In a few metres distance was a broad road, the A82.
“Sir”, the butler panted, “what if that was no monster at all?”
“A bat”, McShredder panted, “a damned bat, that’s what it was, McClown!”
Chapter 31
Kings House Hotel Part I
For about half an hour they did not say anything. They just felt awkward because they had panicked over a small bat. Now they walked on along the foot of a mountain which rose high above them. To their left was the road, another high mountain facing it. Some time the path bent left and they left the road behind them.
“Sir, perhaps we should have stopped a car”, the butler said.
“A police car for instance, McClown?”
“Of course not, Sir, I only thought…”
“Wrong, McClown, you do not think. You only think of your next dinner and nothing else. You are thinking from one full plate to the next.”
The butler’s fingers tightened around the suitcase handle. While he wondered if the suitcase would go bust if he threw it at His Lordship’s head, McShredder continued:
“You see, McClown, I am foresighted and thinking strategically. My noble birth helps me because a simple farmer never would be able to think this way.”
The butler looked up and down the wayside. Perhaps he could find a stone or, better still, a cudgel.
“Anyhow, McClown, thanks to my foresight we will spend the night in soft beds after a right royal meal.”
The butler let fall the big stone he just had picked up.
“Sir?”
“Surprised, McClown? I didn’t expect otherwise. It will take us about a mile to King’s House, a hotel, were even kings stayed overnight. I’m remembering King James VI or Bonnie Prince Charly, McClown. You certainly know them, don’t you?”
“Not personally, Sir.”
“Now don’t be silly, McClown! Ah, you see, over there is the hotel.”
A long white building with black roof came into sight. Eagerly they turned into a sidetrack, crossed a small bridge and could see the big wooden sign of the hotel.
“Sir, may I ask you to mind your money?” Frido McClown jeered. “It would be a pity if it were lost again.”
Milord did not answer this cheek of his butler but entered the lobby. Nobody was there. When they looked at the large clock over the counter they saw that it was past midnight.
“Hullo! Porter!” Lord McShredder croaked.
Some rumbling and clattering in the distance, then a door opened at the foot of a broad staircase which obviously led to the guest rooms. A young woman entered and approached the newcomers, looking at them nonplussed.
“Good evening, gentlemen”, she welcomed them and smoothed her apron. “My name is Liza McGyer, what can I do for you?”
“A double bedroom, my good woman”, milord replied.
“Pleasure, Sir”, Liza McGyer said and picked up the ball pen she had dropped. “Will you please give me your name, Sir?” she added and held her head which she bumped when stooping.
“Sir Lord McShredder of Killichonan, Duke of Spain and conqueror…”
“Excuse me, Sir, shredding what?” the young woman asked, smiling bashfully.
“Of Killichonan”, His Lordship calmly replied. “Duke of Spain and conqueror of the Loch…”
“Sorry, Sir”, Liza McGyer interrupted him again and stooped because the ball pen had fallen from her hand. She started writing again and smiled at him once more bashfully. “Spain, and then?”
“Conqueror of the Loch Ness Monster.”
“O my God!” the young woman exclaimed, made a step back and knocked over a flower vase. “The monster? And you survived it, Mr. Shredder?”
“McShredder, young lady, McShredder of Killichonan. This - er - gentleman is my butler, Frido McClown.”
She gave the butler her most beautiful smile and looked at him for a long time.
“Frido”, she said and did not avert her eyes from his face. “That is a charming name. My name is Liza and I’m the daughter of the hotel-keeper.”
“It’s a beautiful hotel”, the butler stammered and shyly returned her look.
“Thank you, Mr. Frido”, Liza McGyer whispered and took up the guestbook she accidentally had knocked off. “And you also will have a very beautiful view. That is, in the day, at the moments it’s quite dark.”
“Ehem!” His Lordship cleared his throat impatiently. “We would like to eat something after you’ve shown us the rooms, my good woman.”
“Certainly, Mr. Shredder, please follow me.”
She came around the counter and stumbled over the suitcase with the hamsters which the butler had placed there. McClown was at her side immediately and helped her up.
“Thank you, Sir Frido”, she smiled and smoothed her tousled hair. “How clumsy I am!”
“No, no, Miss Liza, it was my fault. I put the suitcase there.”
In the meantime Lord McShredder was waiting at the stairs and impatiently tapped the polished floor with his foot. It took a while until the two others noticed him at all and finally walked up the stairs. At the last step Liza McGyre stumbled and the butler helped her up. Then they walked down a dimly lit passage to the left. The young woman rattled at the door and turned to McClown with a smile.
“I’m sorry, I forgot the key. Please wait a moment, Sir Frido.”
She hurried back to the staircase, still looking at the butler and smiling. There was a crash and McClown made a face because the young women had banged against a post at the stairs. However, a few minutes later she came limping back with the key and when it had fallen out of her hand twice, she finally succeeded in locking up the room so that lord and butler were able to enter.
Chapter 32
Kings House Hotel Part II
“Supper, young woman, what about supper?” Lord McShredder croaked when he had taken a look at the comfortable room.
“The kitchen unfortunately is closed, Mr. Shredder, I’m very sorry. Would you perhaps like a bag of chips?”
“Did you hear that, McClown? In every hotel of the world every cook would be glad to serve me in the middle of the night…”
“Don’t you have just a very little something for us, Miss Liza?” McClown asked and smiled at the young woman charmingly. “We have walked so far and my hamsters are almost starved…”
He bit his tongue and damned the words which had slipped out without thinking. How could he disclose the presence of the hamsters in the suitcase? He knew that hotels did not allow animals.
The young woman looked at him with big eyes and breathed: “Hamsters? How cute! Are they in your suitcase? Yes? I won’t tell. I always have something to eat for somebody who loves hamsters. How about haggis and fries?”
“That would be just great, Miss Liza. And if you can spare some biscuits for the hamsters…”
“Salmon with new potatoes for me”, His Lordship crowed, but Liza only looked at him in surprise.
“Sorry, Sir. There are only some fries for you. Haggis has been booked by Sir Frido”, she replied and ran down the stairs. When she rose from her fall at the last step, she turned round once more and said: “Supper in a few minutes in the dining room at the end of the passage!”
The two of them went back into their room and while the butler cautiously placed the hamster suitcase into a corner, milord got out his wallet and counted the money. Then they went to the end of the passage and found a big, long room with several small, round tables. Awed, they looked over to the giant window which would grant them a gorgeous view to the landscape in daytime. Rumbling and a cry of pain announced the arrival of the hotelier’s daughter. She rubbed her aching knee and brought the cutlery.
“Just a moment, Sir Frido, supper will be in a minute”, she whispered and was off again.
A few minutes later they heard some clinking and Lord McShredder who was playing with the salt cellars, raised his head and said: “Did you hear that, McClown? Didn’t it ring at the door?”
But the butler did not answer. He looked to the door expectantly. The young woman entered, panting, and smiled bashfully: “I’m sorry, Sir Frido, supper will take a moment still.” She turned, ran into the door post, smiled again into the butler’s direction and left. Frido McClown lifted his head and counted under his breath: “One, two, three, four, five.” Then he turned to the door. In the distance some rumbling was audible.
“She just reached the last step, Sir.”
Milord continued playing with the salt cellars, while Frido McClown listened to the growing noises of his stomach. These noises were now drowned by a clatter at the door. Miss McGyer entered the room.
“Your haggis, Sir Frido”, she announced with a broad smile, leaving behind her a trail of brown sauce which made a pattern on the floor. His Lordship received a bag of chips which he accepted dourly. “I’ll put the biscuits in front of your door, Sir Frido. Leave everything on the table if you’re finished, I’ll clear it away later on”, she smiled and went out.
"Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs," zählte McClown mit vollem Mund. Er hob verwundert den Kopf.
“One, two, three, four five, six”, McClown counted, his mouth full. Then he lifted his head in surprise.
“Perhaps she caught at the door handle when she put the biscuits down at our door”, milord mumbled.
McClown sighed with relief when a moment later he heard the well known rumbling and cry of pain.
“She arrived downstairs, Sir”, he said and attended his supper again. He faked not noticing His Lordship’s hungry eyes and filled his belly.
Lord McShredder got up.
“I - er - will go off to sleep.”
“Just a minute, Sir”, the butler exclaimed and stuffed the last bite of haggis into his mouth. “I’d prefer to join you. Otherwise it’s possible that nothing will be left for the hamsters.”
As promised, a big bag of biscuits stood in front of their room. McClown took it and walked in behind milord. Lord McShredder did not bother with washing and suchlike but immediately went to bed comfortably. At least he put off his shoes, McClow thought, while he fed the hamsters. Greedily his little friends snatched the biscuits from him and ran back to their trunk. Now also the butler became very sleepy and he just wanted to go to bed when it knocked at the door. Surprised, he got up again, opened and Liza McGyer stood there, smiling and with big eyes.
“I’m sorry for disturbing you, dear Sir Frido. I hope you have not been sleeping already.”
“No, no, Miss Liza”, McClown mumbled. “What may I do for you?”
“Oh, I only wanted to ask what you would like to have for breakfast.”
“Baked beans with sausages”, he yawned.
“Very well, Sir Frido. Good night to you.”
McClown sat down on the inviting bed and looked at the white cloth which decorated the headbord. He just put off his left shoe when it knocked again. This time Liza McGyre wanted to know whether the butler preferred tea of coffee. She wished him good night again, he put off his right shoe, and once more she knocked at the door.
“Do you wish for anything else, Sir Frido?”
"Danke, Miss Lisa, einen Wunsch habe ich noch."
“Thanks, Miss Liza, I do indeed.”
“Yes?” she breathed and smiled.
“Let me sleep now, Miss Liza, I’m very tired.”
“All right, Sir Frido. Do just call me if you need anything.”
At long last the butler was allowed to sleep. Nothing disturbed him, neither milord’s snoring nor the gnawing noises of the hamsters. He had no idea how long he had been sleeping when it knocked again. Angrily he wanted to jump from his bed when he saw that the sun was already shining into the room.
“Who is it?” he called and at the same time realized that this was a silly question.
“It’s Liza, Sir Frido. Breakfast’s waiting for you. Would you like to come?”
“I’ll be in a moment, Miss Liza”, he shouted. Then he got up and kicked the sleeping lord’s bum, so that he almost fell out of the bed.
“Did Your Lordship sleep well?” he politely asked and waited until milord had crept out of the bed. “Sir, breakfast is waiting for us.”
With a jump McShredder was at the door and out of the room. McClown hurried after him and when he came into the passage he already saw Miss Liza standing by the table and waiting for them. His Lordship arrived first and sat down at the well-laid place which was decorated with a small vase and a flower in it.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Shredder, this is Mr. Frido’s place. You are sitting opposite.”
Grumpily milord stood up and sat down on the opposite chair while his butler sniffed the flower and enjoyed his breakfast. The young woman watched him with a smile.
“Ehem”, milord said. “Perhaps I also might get some breakfast…”
“Oh, certainly, Mr. Shredder, I’m sorry! Wait a minute, I’ll go to see if it is ready.”
She walked out, leaving behind a hungry and downcast lord.
Chapter 33
Milord’s Breakfast
“McClown, could you spare a roll?” the hungry lord begged and goggled at the rich breakfast.
“Sorry, Sir, the rolls are limited. Miss McGyre certainly will be back in a moment.”
Indeed the young woman entered the room this very moment, carrying a laden tray. However, she stumbled over the edge of the carpet and His Lordship’s breakfast was distributed on the floor.
“Oh, how clumsy of me!” She looked at McClown, embarrassed. “Do you have everything you need, Sir Frido? Do you wish for anything else?”
“If you had some more coffee…”
“In a minute, Sir Frido”, she replied and gave him her most beautiful smile. “And your breakfast, too, Mr. Shredder.”
She picked up the tray, collected everything and left the room under the hungry eyes of milord.
“May I have a bite from your roll, dear McClown?” the starving lord begged anew. “One tiny bite only!”
“Be patient, Sir, the young lady does her utmost.”
“I’m afraid so”, came the grudging answer.
Heralding herself by rumbling and clattering, the aforesaid young lady came in and brought coffee for the butler.
“Enjoy your meal, Sir Frido. How about some dessert?”
“Is there some ice cream perhaps, Miss Liza?”
“Certainly, Sir Frido. Vanilla, strawberry, or chocolate?”
“Later perhaps, Miss Liza.”
“Ehem - my breakfast…”
“In a minute, Mr. Shredder”, Liza McGyre replied and hurried out with the tray. Some clattering announced her arrival in the passage.
“McClown, the crumbs on your plate…”
“No, Sir, they are for the hamsters. And take your hands off the flower, it’s not for eating.”
Renewed clanking, accompanied by a curse, and suddenly milord nourished new hope. This time she entered the room carefully, elegantly avoided the door handle but her apron-string caught in the handle. Again the breakfast tray crashed to the floor and McShredder shrieked. Then there was a leaden silence in the room. But finally His Lordship dived down to the breakfast on the floor with a coarse cry and stuffed himself greedily. The few guests glared at the events with big eyes - it was most embarrassing. Miss McGyre needed a while to compose herself.
“Mr. Shredder, what are you doing there?”
“Breakfasting”, milord mumbled with his mouth full and stuffed himself with some porridge. He raised his head for a moment, saw that everybody was goggling at him and added: “Delicious. Anybody want to try some?”
“No, thank you, Sir. If you don’t mind, I will take care of - er - the suitcase.”
The butler took milord’s grunt as an affirmative and walked down the passage. The young woman followed him.
“Sir Frido, are you staying with us for a while?”
“No, Miss Liza, I’m sorry. We are quite late and a long way to Killichonan Castle is ahead of us.”
“What a pity, Sir Frido. Perhaps we will meet again some time”, she smiled, turned and banged her head at the doorpost. Then she hurried up the staircase and her rumbling and shrieking told the butler when she was upstairs. Completely lost in thoughts he was standing in the passage and did not notice that by now McShredder was at his side.
“Ready to go, McClown?”
“Sir, may we not stay here for a few days?”
“McClown, wake up! No more than 20 miles from home - we are almost there!”
“But Sir…”
“No but Sir, McClown, do come now!” When the butler still did not move to fetch the suitcase with their few belongings, Lord McShredder whispered into his ear: “20 miles, McClown. That’s nothing for a whippersnapper like you. If I give you a day off…” With a jump the butler was in the room, fetched the trunk with the hamsters and was back, beaming broadly at milord. “Sir, what are we waiting for?”
Chapter 34
Black Corries Lodge
By now the hotel lay behind them and they proceeded in northern direction.
For both of them it had been hard to leave King’s House Hotel. For His Lordship because under the sharp eyes of McClown he had to part with his money when paying the bill - for the butler because he did not get the clumsy daughter of the hotelier out of his mind.
“Sir, we are walking the direction we came”, the butler said.
“Correct, McClown, I see that you are noticing things. You also notice this narrow path ahead of us? It’s the way to Black Corries Lodge and we will take it.”
“B-but Sir, then we are walking right into the moor!”
“Rannoch Moor, McClown, so what?”
“It’s dangerous, Sir, there are stories that it’s haunted by the ghost of Sir Malcolm. After he lost a battle he walked into the moor and never came back!”
“Probably drowned, McClown.”
“B-but Sir, when you walk the moor at night you c-can see the lights of the dead.”
“Fen fires, McClown, absolutely harmless. What troubles me, is old McPomm.”
“McPomm, Sir?”
“McPomm, McClown, the mad Fraser McPomm. Nobody can live at peace with him.”
“So you know him, Sir.”
“For ages. A bad guy through and through. At school he never allowed me to crib.”
The butler did not answer, only grinned. Silently they walked on while the ground under their feet became muddier. The narrow river they had been following during the last hours bent to the left. They crossed the river, which now was only a trickle, over a tiny, half decayed footbridge. McClown grasped the suitcase with the hamsters firmly and was glad to make the crossing safely. Milord was already waiting for him. The muddy path became even narrower, a small hut was ahead of them. The silence was disquieting. Only their squelching shoes in the grass were audible. Suddenly a deafening bang disturbed the silence. Quick as lightning the butler was lying on the ground, while His Lordship stood unperturbed.
“Get up, McClown, and don’t make a fool of yourself”, McShredder hissed.
Trembling, Frido McClown rose, his eyes on a man approaching from the hut. He looked quite squalid in his tatty overcoat. His long, unkempt hair was halfway controlled by an old floppy hat and his long, tousled beard held the remains of his last lunch. The man aimed at them with a rifle.
“Freeze!” he ordered with a firm voice. “What do you want?”
“Passage”, milord calmly replied.
The man came closer and first took a look at the butler who was all over covered with mud. Then his glance fell on His Lordship and his eyes widened.
“McShredder, you rascal, another step and you’re a dead man. Piss off or I’ll make you!”
He turned and walked back to the hut.
“W-we should return, Sir, the path through the moor is much too dangerous.”
“Nonsense, McClown, we just have to think how we can pass McPomm. The best thing would be to wait until darkness and then sneak past his hut. Unfortunately the Scottish way-leave is valid here and nobody can force him and let anybody cross his ground.”
The butler sighed disappointedly and walked a few steps back where a huge tree trunk was lying. He sat down on it and opened the suitcase with the hamsters. He could hear the scratching of his little friends who were quite fed up with being locked in. Frido McClown opened the lid a bit and immediately many little pink noses showed and scented the air. What was he to do? He could not permit his little friends to roam around in the moor, not with that trigger-happy moron close by. While he still pondered, the hamsters relieved him of the decision. One after the other they climbed out, down his trouser legs into the high grass. McClown shrugged and put the suitcase into the grass.
“If you feel cold or wet, my little ones, you can go back into the suitcase. But don’t say I didn’t warn you! The moor is dangerous. So take care because that bad man in the hut over there has got a rifle. Keep close and don’t run off and remember…”
“Whom are you talking to, McClown?” Lord McShredder asked and came closer curiously.
“Er - to the hamsters. They need some fresh air. Please mind your steps, Sir.”
“We’ll try to get some sleep, McClown. By the way, you should have a wash. A good butler does not look like a pig.”
“Yes, Sir, I will”, Frido McClown grumped and cleaned his face with his handkerchief as well as possible. Then he lay down on the tree trunk - like milord - and closed his eyes.
Kapitel 35
Hamster-Party
“Say, are we to eat grass now?” Flecki protested loudly.
“Isn’t that bad”, Goldi replied, chewing, and pointed at the hut of Fraser McPomm. “Over there will be the supply station.”
In the meantime chief engineer Botchy had examined the surroundings and decided that it was too wet and muddy for a party. They mayor tried to climb a small mound to hold a speech to the hamster population but gave up after several glissades. By now Taty, Tuffy, and Tealeafy were approaching the wooden hut, closely followed by Goldi, Dodo, and Trample. They looked about them cautiously. There were three windows and a door - the door shut, the windows too high up for hamsters. Chief Botchy now joined them and checked the timber of the outer walls.
“What a pity that we don’t have a plunger”, he whispered.
“Why would we need a plunger?” Tealeafy wondered.
“Because we always do it like that”, Botchy replied.
Then he continued his expertly check of the hut until suddenly he paused and kicked the wall. The wood crumbled away and he shouted:
“I need a fat, strong hamster!”
Dodo came closer.
“Come on”, chief Botchy urged him on. “Run against the wall - and again - and again!”
Many hours and bruises later Dodo had made it: a small piece of the wall had splintered off. One hamster after the other scrambled into the hut. It was dark by now and they looked about them. Beside an ancient iron stove stood a bed, and someone was snoring there loudly. Beside the bed stood a rifle and beside the rifle a big box with ammunition. The opposite side held a table, packed with leftovers of any number of meals and further ammunition. A neighbouring wardrobe made the hamsters curious. They pushed and pulled at the door until it opened with a squeal.
“Socks with tartan design”, Flecki exclaimed with delight. “We’ll make modish cloaks of them and hold Hamster-Highland-Games!” Happily Taty, Tuffy, and Tealeafy joined her and set to work.
Their friends had found a box with groceries in the meantime and prepared their dinner. It was not much but they all thought it would be enough to have a party.
Goldi and chief Botchy examined the ammunition because, as Goldi explained, a good party needs good fireworks. Chief engineer Botchy had some scruples concerning the Hamstian Regulations on Ammunition. He did not know this kind of ammunition, but Goldi convinced him that one cartridge was like the other and so they set to work. A knife was lying under the bed and it fitted their purpose perfectly. The cartridges were cut open expertly and the gunpowder distributed on the floor. Trample got the order to collect cups and glasses into which the gunpowder could be filled. Chief Botchy checked again on all safety regulations.
“The ammunition boxes are too close to the firecrackers”, he told Goldi and Dodo. “Take the ammunition somewhere else!”
“No problem”, Goldi said. “Shall we put the boxes onto the round table in the corner?”
“Yes”, chief Botchy said and checked the old stove, “this iron table is incombustible, nothing can happen there.”
Flecki, Tealeafy, Taty, and Tuffy had made charming cloaks out of the socks and handed them to the others. The hamsters were delighted and the party could start. Meals were served in little cardboard boxes. The mayor placed himself in front of them and said: “Dear hamster-friends, I am happy to open this banquet and would like to take the opportunity…”
This was all he could say for after the word ‘banquet’ everybody fell over the food and the mayor was knocked over. He pulled himself up with a groan and escaped into safety from the hungry mob. Noisy champing was audible everywhere and somebody shouted:
“What about music? Dodo, go to open and close that wardrobe door!”
Dodo quickly stuffed himself with some more food, hurried to the wardrobe and moved the door back and forth. It made a horribly squeaking noise, but the hamsters cheerfully started a dance contest. Goldi now saw it fit to start the fireworks. With some matches, which he found beside the stove, he lit the gunpowder in the cups and glasses. He stepped back quickly and together with his friends watched admiringly how the powder changed to flames with a whoosh.
It was this moment Fraser McPomm chose to wake up. Still a little befuddled from his sleep he turned around. There his socks were dancing on the table and sparks sprayed from the floor! Yelling loudly, he hopped out of the bed and his naked feet landed right in Goldi’s fireworks. It was the hell of a pain and he staggered across the room. Completely dazed, he embraced to the hot stove, which tumbled down with a crash and set the ammunition on fire. All around him it banged, missiles swished past him, he saw wardrobe doors opening and closing, dancing little animals on the floor and dancing socks on the table. In despair he shook his head, held his hands to his eyes and squinted through his fingers. But they still were there, all those terrifying things! Then a missile touched the tip of his nose and Fraser McPomm lost his nerves. Shrieking, he darted out of the door and ran for his life.
Chapter 36
The Moor
“Did you hear and see this, Sir?” the butler asked and his eyes followed the shrieking McPomm.
“Certainly, McClown, I am not deaf and blind.” Lord McShredder sat straight on the tree trunk and watched how the fleeing man vanished somewhere in the far distance. “Whatever happened, he runs northwards. That is good for it is not our direction.”
“Sir, the hamsters are gone!” Frido McClown pointed at the empty suitcase and looked at His Lordship, terrified.
They both looked big-eyed at the hut which Fraser McPomm had left. It looked like a Swiss cheese emitting smoke through its holes.
“Well, McClown”, milord said and pointed at the hut, “I guess your little friends are behind this. Collect our things and follow me. We will check that.”
Hastily the butler picked up their few belongings. McShredder had already reached the door and peeped in. His glance fell on the empty, rumpled bed. Smoking cups and glasses were on the floor, walls and roof looked like sieved by missiles. He looked at the open wardrobe. A hamster was hanging at the handle and shyly looked at milord. Glancing at the table, McShredder lifted his eyebrows and could not really believe what he saw.
“Sir”, said his butler who showed up now, “I think we are just witnesses to the end of a hamster-party.”
“Very nice, McClown, but why are they wearing socks over their furs?”
“That - er - certainly goes with the party. Some hamstian tradition.”
“Hamstian tradition, McClown? And the bullet holes?”
“Well, Sir, there certainly is some explanation.”
“And why is a hamster hanging at the wardrobe door?”
“I’m sure it’s a hamster-game, Sir!”
“And why, McClown, does that hamster over there drag along a cartridge?”
“He’s just toying around with it, Sir.”
“Toying, McClown? Did he also toy around with McPomm?” His Lordship looked at the hamster thoughtfully and added with a broad grin: “Then I congratulate him. Brave little fellow!”
The butler sighed, relieved. It would have been terrible if milord had been furious and left the hamsters back because of this little incident.
So Frido McClown hurried to put the suitcase onto the table and collected the hamsters. By now the sun was up and the little nocturnal animals did not mind being collected. Some sleep would be all right.
“McClown, see that you find some food in this ramshackle hut”, milord croaked and walked out.
However, he returned when the butler was stowing away sandwiches, and put some coins onto the table.
“I won’t take anything free from that rascal McPomm!” he grumped and ran out again.
Grinning, the butler followed him over the bumpy, muddy path. Like miles earlier they again and again had to cross creeks. That was not easy because sometimes nothing but a slippery plank served as a bridge.
“How long will there be only such planks over creeks?” the butler lamented who more than once had difficulties to hold the suitcase with the hamsters.
“Not for long, McClown.”
“I like to hear that, Sir. The path then will be more comfortable?”
“No, McClown, then there will be no path at all.”
“But, Sir, that will not be better.”
“I did not say so, McClown. You only asked how long there will be planks over creeks.” Milord paused for a moment, stared ahead and added: “Soon we’ll have to wade through the creeks or jump.”
The butler did not answer. He no longer minded that they were walking muddy, slippery paths and that his clothing was dirty all over. His thoughts were far off at King’s House Hotel and he thought of Liza McGyre. Grinning, he imagined what would have happened had she come along with them. How often would they have to drag her out of some river or mud puddle? Suddenly the drift of his thoughts was roughly interrupted by a shot.
“Sir, is that McPomm?” he exclaimed, alarmed.
“Did I already advise you to think before you blab, McClown?” His Lordship retorted angrily.
“Why that, Sir? What if he walked back to his hut and fetched his rifle?”
“Then, McClown, he would fire all over the place somewhere behind us. These shots are coming from the direction we are taking, from the moor.”
“But what might that mean, Sir?” Milord looked at his butler as if he had said something very, very silly.
“McClown, did you ever hear anything about hunting parties?”
“S-sir, you don’t mean these mean people who shoot animals? Defenceless animals?”
“Well, McClown, usually rabbits, pheasants and suchlike do not carry weapons.”
Again they heard shooting in the distance. Now they had to walk very cautiously in the moor if they did not want to be hit by a stray bullet.
Chapter 37
The Peer of the Realm
Cautiously the two of them crept through the moor. It was heavy-going because with every step the feet sank into the boggy soil. While proceeding slowly they again and again could hear shooting. Soon two figures appeared in the distance. Lord and butler walked towards them, always taking care to be on more solid ground. McShredder was surprisingly fast and the first one to reach the man who was responsible for all this shoot-up. With his suitcase, the butler faced some problems to keep his balance and when he came closer he could hear the angry words of the man with the rifle.
“Sir, you are disturbing my hunt. Please absent yourself!”
From His Lordship’s face McClown could read that McShredder did not like this kind of welcome at all. He flushed a little but answered with outward calm: “Your hunt? Now listen, my boy, if you talk with me, you better take off your ear-phones first.”
“That are no ear-phones, Sir, that are my ears”, the man angrily replied. “And now do leave so that we can continue the shooting.”
Lord McShredder had no mind to leave. He pointed at the figure beside the man and asked: “Say, why did you dress up your horse this way?”
The big ears of the man twitched, his face reddened and he shouted: “Sir, this is no horse, this is my wife!”
“Oh, is she”, milord jeered. “And you are Dumbo, aren’t you?”
“Dumbo? Let me tell you that I’m neither a big-eared elephant nor the village fool. I’m a peer of the realm and will complain about you to my noble parents.”
He had put down his rifle and stood right in front of McShredder who calmly said: “What kind of peer of the realm are you - what kind of man are you if you have to run to Mummy about every trifle? If you are grown up enough to shoot defenceless animals you should be grown up enough to speak out for yourself, shouldn’t you, Dumbo?”
While in the background the peer of the realm made a fuss about his name not being Dumbo, McClown watched the hamsters who scrambled out of the suitcase, awakened by the noise. The rifle of the fuss-making peer seemed to draw some of them and the butler heard some low, excited squeaking.
“Goldi, are you sure it’s the same ammunition?”
“For sure! Dodo, open the box with the cartridges and hand me some!”
Trample and chief Botchy came and helped Dodo.
“What will that be when it’s finished?” Botchy asked and handed a cartridge to Goldi.
“That’s Goldi’s prototype, I always wanted to try something like that. Up to now I didn’t have the time.”
A short distance away, Frido McClown saw one cartridge after the other disappear in the barrel. He got some idea what the hamsters were planning.
“That’s a prototype for an emergency signal”, Goldi explained to his hamster-friends, when the barrel was stuffed with ammunition. “A brilliant idea, we have, after all, to think of the tomorrow following the today”, the mayor sounded. “The true hamster is distinguished…”
“Perhaps we should hide in the trunk”, Flecki proposed. “I think we’d better be in safety if we want to see the tomorrow following the today.”
Also chief engineer Botchy thought it necessary to keep a safety distance and so the hamsters marched back to their suitcase. Shaking his head, the butler closed the lid and took up the suitcase again. Then he walked over to the loud noise, i.e. where Lord McShredder and the peer of the realm where quarrelling.
“However, you will not restrain me from hunting, Sir”, the nobleman shouted and with very red head took up his rifle again.
“Sir”, the butler whispered into milord’s ear, “I think it is useless to discuss with him. I somewhere read that these peers would rather leave the realm before they stop hunting!”
Together with McShredder he watched how the peer lifted the rifle to his cheek and aimed at something in the distance. Then there was a bang, no, it was more like an explosion. Out of the barrel came something like the jet of a rocket. The peer of the realm shrieked and lifted off. Higher and higher he went, rotated in the air and disappeared in the distance, still shrieking.
“You are right, McClown, he really leaves the realm!”
Lord and butler grinned at each other. The peer’s wife took up the pursuit and ran through the moor, shouting: “Darling! Darling!” Again and again she got stuck in the mud, tumbled down, crawled on all fours, got up and tumbled down again.
“Sir, I guess a mud bath will do her well.”
“Right, McClown, she’s already looking much better than before.”
There was nothing left to do for them and so they set off for the last part of their journey.
Chapter 38
The Tearoom
To their great relief the ground became more solid. They were walking along the foot of a mountain and a lake was ahead of them.
“Loch Laidon, McClown! It has a length of almost 10 miles. A nice cup of tea is waiting for us at the end of it.”
“You mean the tearoom at the little Rannoch Station, Sir?” the butler excitedly asked.
“That’s exactly what I mean, McClown. And it would not be bad to reach the castle today so that we can change and take a bath.”
Silently they walked on and the butler wondered whether there was a chance of warm water in the castle or if they had to take their bath in the icy waters of Loch Rannoch. By now they had reached a pine forest and no longer could see Loch Laidon. After all their plagues and labours it was wonderful to smell the air of the home forest. They came to a hiking trail and could walk faster. Now they could see Loch Laidon again and in the far distance there was a railway bridge with a steaming train crossing it.
“That would be the train to Fort William, Sir. Wouldn’t it be nice if the dear little hamsters could go with it?”
“Don’t talk nonsense, McClown. Hamsters never would use the railway.”
“But how might they have reached Sanna Bay, Sir? I’ve been wondering for quite some time.”
“By ship of course, McClown, how else?”
The butler thoughtfully looked at the pine trees. Somehow he could not imagine his little friends going by ship all the way from Hamsterton to the west coast of Scotland. What for, what should they want there? No, there must be some other explanation for their appearance.
“Sir, are you sure that there were no more hamsters in the castle when we left for Spain?”
“How the devil should I know, McClown? You are the butler, tidying up is your job!”
Now it was milord who looked at the pine trees thoughtfully. He did not like what his butler just had said. What if these little criminal minded hamsters had been alone in the castle while he and McClown had been staying in Spain? He did not dare to imagine what sorts of catastrophes might have happened. They had not been here for more than one year, after all. Enough time for the short-legged hamsters to reach the western coast.
“Well, McClown, did you search the castle for hamsters thoroughly before we left?”
“B-but Sir, how could I? I had to take care of everything and I had to buy tobacco and then…”
“Excuses, McClown, lame excuses. The perfect butler can do everything at the same time, it’s only a matter of condition.”
“Craving pardon, Sir, but the perfect butler receives a regular salary.”
McShredder did not answer but interestedly looked at something in the distance. Suddenly Frido McClown’s face lit up. “Sir, in Chapter 16 you promised to pay my salary as soon as we are back home!”
“Er - yes, I did.”
“Well, Sir? Will you do so?”
“I can’t, McClown.”
The butler paused, eyes wide. While he looked where to find a nice strong cudgel, he slowly walked towards McShredder.
“You can’t, Sir? How am I to take that, Sir?”
“We hardly have any money left, but it will be enough for a nice cup of tea and coffee cake. So you may look forward to some cake, McClown.”
“B-but where is all the money, Sir?”
“Hotels are expensive, McClown. May I remind you that you forced me to book rooms at King’s House Hotel?”
Frido McClown war silenced. Gone bust again! So he could give up on all his plans. Without money he could not take the hamsters back to Hamsterton. Without money he could not invite Liza McGyre, except she brought along her own lunch. He did not waste his time thinking about the reconstruction of the castle or how they should fare.
While he brooded over all this, he had not noticed that they left the forest. Only milord’s voice jolted him out of his thoughts.
“Over there it is, McClown. May I buy you some tea and cake? Take it as extra salary.”
Sadly the butler raised his head but when he recognized the lonely railway station, there was a small, happy pricking in his stomach.
A few minutes later they entered the tearoom.
Chapter 39
George
Lord and butler sat down at one of the five tables in the tearoom. They chose the table near the counter, close to the window. In the back of the room, beside the door, a man was sitting. He had his head on his arms and seemed to be sleeping. Nothing unusual because trains were rare here and to wait for a train might take long. So Lord McShredder and Frido McClown did not mind the man but hungrily looked at the display in the counter. There were bakeries of different colours and tastes. They decided on shortbread.
“One tea, 3 shortbreads and one coffee”, milord croaked.
“Immediately, Sir. Oh, Lord McShredder, you’re home again”, the young man behind the counter exclaimed in a pleased voice when he recognized His Lordship.
“Obviously, my boy. Any news?”
“O yes, Sir, lots”, the young man beamed. “Last summer we hardly had any rain, a new public toilet has been built, and a new road sign was erected.”
“Fine, fine, the town thrives and prospers”, milord crowed and took the teabag out of the cup which had been served in the meantime.
The butler had placed the suitcase with the hamsters on his lap and opened the lid. Curious pink noses showed up and sniffed excitedly. The smell of the shortbread had made the animals wake up. McClown crumbled one of the cookies and gave it to the hamsters. Loud rumbling and squeaking was audible and nobody needed to understand Hamstish to realize what was going on. All the upset did not take long as they finished the shortbread quickly. When they saw that there was no more food, the little animals went back to sleep and the lid was closed again.
Milord slurped his tea, the butler drank his coffee and both looked out of the window. A good distance behind the rails they could see the forest they had passed short time ago. Far off and dimly lay the mountains and far, far behind them was the peninsula of Ardnamurchan where everything had begun. They had travelled far and much had happened. Now, close to their goal, they knew that it had been worth everything. No Spanish sunshine could replace home to them.
“McClown, time to take the last miles under our feet”, milord announced.
“Very well, Sir. Will you permit me a question?”
“Permitted, McClown.”
“Don’t you miss your wheelchair, Sir?”
“O yes, I do”, milord croaked and gave a moan. “But a tough lord does not lament!”
“What do I hear?” suddenly a voice from the back part of the tearoom sounded. “The Lord of Killichonan walks on his own two feet? All Celtic saints, I’ve longed to see this day!”
Surprised, the two of them turned round. The man, who had been sleeping at the table, got now up and came closer. He was short, thickish, very bald and limped.
“George, the bus driver”, Frido McClown delightedly exclaimed.
He knew the old mail bus driver well. More then once when milord had run out of tobacco or the household out of supplies, George had given the butler a lift to the next town when he had seen him walking along the road. George had never accepted money and the butler always had been glad for the lift.
“Frido, where have you been these days?”
“Why, George, that is a long story. Let me tell it some other time. Now we only want to get home.”
“Home!” George nodded. “I would not like to shock you, but your home is nothing but a ruin by now.”
Lord and butler paled. They knew that the old castle had not been in a good condition when they left for Spain - but a ruin? With difficulty they regained their composure and McShredder croaked: “Well, then we’ll rebuild the ruin, won’t we, McClown?”
He turned to the bus driver: “When is your bus scheduled?”
“I don’t work any longer, Milord, have retired since long and enjoy my leisure time. However, I feel a little bored and so now and then I still make the tour between Kinloch Rannoch and the station. You are my passengers today, of course.”
“Free ride, of course, George”, McShredder crowed.
George laughed. “Free ride, Milord.”
When the young man at the counter also did not want any money for tea, coffee, and shortbread, McShredder and his butler delightedly left the tearoom together with George.
“That’s coming home, McClown, isn’t it?”
“It is, Sir, but do we have a roof over our heads?”
The old mail bus set moving and George sped up. To their left they saw the ruins of Doire na h-innes, then they passed the big hydropower station of Gaur, and the hearts of the two homecomers throbbed happily. When Loch Rannoch came into view they both got up and looked out of the window excitedly. In the middle of the loch they could see Eilean nam Faoileag, the gull island. The last mile seemed to take ages but finally they had made it. George turned to the left and they had reached the castle.
Chapter 40
Back in the Castle
His Lordship was the first one to get out of the bus and slowly approached what once had been his castle. There were no walls any longer and a big heap of debris indicated the place of the entrance hall. The only upright things were the two door posts, the door hanging in the loose hinges. McShredder paused in front of the door relicts.
“McClown, you lazy chap, come and open the door for your master!”
The butler only goggled at milord while George laughed and waved to them.
“You’ll get along. Tell me if you need me!”
He drove back to the road and the butler cautiously opened the door. He hardly had pulled at it a little when it crashed down and overturned the door posts.
“Thank you, McClown”, milord said after the dust had settled. “Go and find my armchair and then I would be grateful if you would tidy up a little.”
With a loud sigh Frido McClown set down the hamster-trunk between some bricks and opened the lid. Then he went searching for the armchair while His Lordship filled his pipe.
“Hey, guys, we’re back in the castle”, chief engineer Botchy exclaimed and scrambled out of the suitcase. “That’s the pits”, Flecki groaned. “We’ve really come far.”
“Anyhow, we’ve been at the beach”, Tuffy said. “That was quite nice.”
By now the mayor had climbed a heap of debris and thought it time to cheer up the hamsters with a little speech.
“Dear friends”, he began, “it was a long way, and I am proud to say that…”
Nobody ever learned what he was proud on because the debris heap collapsed.
“I’m sorry, little hamster”, they heard the voice of Frido McClown, “but I’m looking for milord’s armchair. What need you scramble about in all this debris?”
He set the scolding mayor down between the other hamsters and continued his search. Suddenly it crashed and where the butler had been standing was nothing but a cloud of dust.
“McClown, did you find my armchair?”
No answer. Slowly the dust settled but the butler still was gone. The hamsters curiously craned their necks when McShredder cautiously approached the place where Frido McClown just had been standing. He was looking at a large hole in the floor.
“McClown, stop this hide and seek. Back to your work! I can’t do everything myself.”
Still no answer and now he desperately turned to the hamsters. Goldi was right in front of him and McShredder pointed at him.
“How about doing some work for your food? I have been feeding you all the time, after all!”
"Dos, ssik ym ruf !1 was the prompt answer.
“Eh? Toss something rough? What do you mean?” Lord McShredder looked about him, quite at a loss. Then his face lit up. “Ah, no bad idea, little rodent.”
He took up a brick and tossed it into the hole. A loud outcry confirmed he had hit a target.
“McClown, will you now stop fooling around and busy yourself with tidying up, please.”
“Sir”, the muffled voice of the butler could be heard, “I’ve touched down on old dishes.”
“Old dishes, McClown? How am I to take that? Did you hide dirty dishes in the cellar?”
“But, Sir, we never had a cellar.”
“You are quite right, McClown, so where the hell have you landed and how the devil am I to get you out of there?”
Chief Botchy, Flecki, and Goldi in the meantime had scrambled down the hole to check the matter because they very well knew that with the butler they would get food. So they were most disappointed when all around they found nothing by useless scrap. Dirty over and over, they reappeared out of the darkness and with a hoarse cry Lord McShredder darted at Flecki. As Flecki was quick, His Lordship only landed in the debris and excitedly shouted:
“What did you find, little rodent? Come to Uncle Lord, show him!”
But Flecki saw that she was off and hid behind some bricks.
“What’s all that fuss about?” Tuffy inquired after she found the panting Flecki.
“That’s my brooch, I found it! I always wanted to have jewellery like this. Just look!”
With big, shining eyes Tuffy looked at the brooch. It was ornamented artfully and though it was dirty, nothing could take off its golden shine. Without doubt it was very valuable and the old lord had seen that at a glance. He in the meantime had found the long curtain of the former living room and thrown down one end of it into the hole where his butler was sitting. The other end he fastened at the frame of the former kitchen door. Huffing and puffing, he dragged at the curtain while his butler was clinging to the other end.
“McClown”, His Lordship groaned, while he dragged up the butler inch by inch, “have you taken along something of the - er - dishes?”
“N-no, Sir, I haven’t”, was the short reply.
Milord nodded slowly. Then he let the curtain go and the butler fell back with a shriek. A loud clatter indicated his arrival at the ground.
“Sorry, McClown, the curtain - er - slipped out of my hands. But if you are down there anyhow, pocket some of the - er - dishes and bring them up.”
“I will, Sir, but please get me out of here!”
“Without fail, McClown”, McShredder purred and again dragged up the curtain.
This time it did not take long until the panting butler was out of the hole and in front of his master.
1(Hamstish: Kiss my fur, Idiot)
Chapter 41
The Treasure
“Sir, what sort of cellar is that?” the butler asked when he could breathe again.
“Your pockets, McClown, empty your pockets!” His Lordship shrieked in excitement.
Frido McClown put his hands into his trouser pockets and got out something glittering. He put down everything on the dusty floor and sat down beside it, mouth open. The old lord’s eyes seemed to bulge out of their sockets. Nobody said a word, only after a few minutes McShredder gasped: “McClown, how much of this is in the cellar?”
“Lots and lots, Sir. Several bathtubs, I guess.”
“The old crook!”
“Which crook, Sir?”
“McGregor of course, McClown. He, a man of the cloth, treasured up all worldly goods for himself and hid them in this cellar.”
“But, Sir, why did he leave all this to you?”
“Not only because I conquered the Loch Ness monster, McClown.” Milord paused and thoughtfully stared into the sky. “His guilty conscience troubled him. He always had preached poverty and was no longer able to live with the heavy burden of wealth and wanted to get rid of it.”
“Sir, will we be in trouble with this heavy burden?”
“Not me, McClown. After all, it’s your job to tidy up here.”
“I claim reinforcements. Lately my back has gone weak and I don’t like cooking very much any longer.”
“Granted, McClown, I never liked your muck overmuch. Whom are you thinking about?”
“Well, Sir, I know a charming young lady who would love to come here.”
“No problem, McClown. However, you should clear up the castle first, otherwise the young lady does not find anything she may shatter!”
For the first time Lord McShredder and his butler Frido McClown laughed jointly. They sat together on the old curtain and laughed for minutes.
During the next hours lord and butler were busy transporting all the valuables out of the cellar. There was no doubt: the days of their poverty had ended. Finally McClown even found the armchair and cleaned it so that His Lordship sat down in it comfortably and took over the further planning.
“Sir, it will take a while until we can live in here. How and where are we to sleep at night?”
Lord McShredder did not answer but stared ahead, lost in thoughts.
“Sir?”
“Er - yes, McClown?”
“Where are we to sleep tonight?”
His Lordship leant back in is armchair and folded his hands.
“Do you know what I am thinking, McClown?”
“I often wondered, Sir!”
“Well, McClown, I would like to live at the seaside, close to some beach.”
“Sanna Bay, Sir?”
“You simply do not think strategically, McClown. First: there are no castles. Second: we should not show up there in the near future. No, my good McClown, there is a better possibility.”
“Sir?”
“Dunollie Castle, McClown, will be our new home.”
“I never heard about it, Sir.”
“I would have been surprised, McClown! Dunollie Castle has been built in the 12th century, probably by MacDougall. It’s situated on a hill north of Oban and offers a wonderful view to the sea. Take a look at this old map.”
“And what about this, Sir? What will become of this castle?”
“Perhaps a holiday domicile, McClown, or a house for the weekend - some time.”
“And Miss Liza, Sir?”
“She will love to join us, McClown. Lots of shops in Oban. Women do like that.”
Milord was silent as long as he filled his pipe.
“Well, McClown”, he continued, “now you’ll go into the town and look for George. I will sit here to recover from all the stress.”
“George, Sir?”
“George, McClown. We’ll need a driver, after all.”
The butler saw that he was off. Hours later he and the retired mail bus driver came back to the ruin of Killichonan Castle, where milord was still sitting and waiting in his armchair.
In the middle of all the debris Frido McClown made a camp fire and the three men sat together for a long time to discuss the items which had to be managed. Lord and butler decided to move to a close by hunting lodge for the next days. Frido McClown was to relax a little before travelling to King’s House Hotel to fetch Liza McGyre. George was beside himself with joy. Not only was he to be milord’s driver in future and to stay with his friend Frido. No, within the next days George was to undertake quite a journey. His order was to take the hamsters back to Hamsterton.
While the butler took an extensive farewell from each single hamster and promised to pay them a visit soon, George prepared the old mail bus. The rear seats were dismantled and rugs laid out. They even thought of food and toys for the hamsters and when Frido McClown had given his friend George some hints how to handle the hamsters, George set out for Hamsterton.
“If I understand all this fuss correctly, we’re going home now”, Flecki said and eyed the new rugs. “They might have given us some prettier rugs, you know. Look at these ugly colours, they don’t agree with anything!”
“Doesn’t matter”, Goldi grumbled. “If only they give us enough food.”
“I wonder if everything is okay at home. What I mean, nobody’s there to repair any damages…” chief Botchy reminded them.
“That’s it”, Tuffy interrupted him, “if nobody makes wreck repairs, they all must be completely bored.”
“Swell!” Goldi grinned. “That will be taken care of when we’re back.”
The mayor cleared his throat and raised his voice: “Dear hamster-friends! A long way lies behind us and we all know the price we paid for the exertions so that I would like to make it perfectly clear…”
And that was that. George had crossed the River Gary bridge and sharply turned to the left. The mayor was hurled to the rear of the bus and dizzily stayed lying on a spare tyre. The other hamsters helped him up but it took some time until he opened his eyes.
“Gosh, look at that!” Flecki cried and stared at the mayor. “He’s got that silly grin on his face again!"